Resolution.

"For me to live is Christ; to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

If for me to live - ACTUALLY is Christ.... SHEWWWEEEE! giddy up with that thought! Ready for this? If for me to live is Christ - and this means YOU and ME, Believers in The Savior...then consider the miracle of our purpose in God before the foundations of the world began. Oh my heart! Consider the miracle of OUR birth and the miracle of our baptism, and consider that OUR Heavenly Father looked on and affirmed our calling! I can't take it! It's too good! And consider that our flesh and blood were purposed to bring God glory, and purposed to be a temple that would indeed be destroyed, raised up, and filled with the Spirit of God. Consider that we were given everything we need to do and accomplish His good and perfect will. WE were purposed to bring light to those who are in darkness, to bring healing to the sick, food to the poor and the widows, hope to the destitute, and the good news to those who are in bondage - so that they can be free. WE were purposed TO KNOW sorrow and suffering. WE were purposed to ENDURE temptation. WE were purposed to be VICTORIOUS over sin and futile thinking that destroys and tears down. WE were purposed to build up and restore that which evil has annihilated. Consider that our life is directed with precision by the God who gave it. The purpose of our life is sacrifice and IN THAT we are purposed to have joy and joy that is complete.

If for me and you, believer - to die is gain. Than we do not consider what we do not have or what we surrender more than who we are because of God the Father. If for me and you to die is actually gain, than every painful sacrifice is not for us alone, but for those we do not even see face to face - but for those who have gone before and those that come after - who one day we will know and embrace and dine with at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. If for us to die is gain, than we will not mourn as those who have no hope. We will rejoice with every cost and expense that leads us closer to our King and His riches - His treasures that we cannot comprehend or hold in flesh. By faith - we surrender in death our Spirit daily. We give up to God the searing pain, the ridicule, the loneliness, the taunting, the denial - not just by those who would corner themselves against us in battle as a very real enemy - but by those also who would even now call us friends to our faces and perhaps even mean it for today - for their own purposes. If for us to die is gain than we will expect that in our death - mourning will cease - and joy will come at the resurrection day and not a moment sooner - for even mourning will have its full purpose.

To die is gain if for me to live is Christ. In that thought I press toward the mark knowing full well I have not done near enough to die - nor near enough to live out my birth - my purpose in flesh and blood and the Spirit of God. I have not yet been all that He has purposed - and yet still I am - not for me BUT for the one who shaped me in my mother's womb - and molds me even now that I might long for His image in my own skin - in my own heart - that aches to understand "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain"; and yet will ache in each moment of clarity.

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."
Philippians 1:20

Grace to us all. Much grace is given.

Dear Julie For You - For Us All

I had to write these words to you that will not let me go - as sure as thoughts of you grip my heart since we last met. I asked God how I should pray for you, my friend. He knows far better than I the needs of your heart. This is where I was led. May you, sweet Julie, be overwhelmed with our Heavenly Daddy's intimate knowledge of you - and care for your heart, for your soul, and your mind and strength... and realize with me, sweet one - the breadth and width of the love of our God - through His WORD - to us - over us - for us - ALWAYS.

God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, BUT - WITH the temptation - will also make the way of ESCAPE - that you may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10: 13. Satan has asked for you - that he may sift you as wheat. BUT I (JESUS) have prayed for you, That YOUR FAITH - should not fail. Luke 22:31-32.

WHATEVER happens as citizens of heaven, live in manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come, and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving TOGETHER with one accord for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in ANY WAY by those who oppose you...For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but to suffer for him, since you are going through the SAME struggle you saw I HAD, and now hear that I STILL HAVE. Philippians 1:27-30

Your eyes - WILL SEE - the King in His beauty. Isaiah 33:17 That at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven, and on earth - and under the earth. Philippians 2:10 We shall see HIM as He is. I John 3:2 In my flesh - I shall see God. Job 19:26 I shall be satisfied when I awake in YOUR likeness. Psalm 17:15

Further my ...Sister...we who serve God by HIS Spirit who put no confidence in the flesh... (That which is born of flesh - IS FLESH, but that which is born of SPIRIT - IS SPIRIT! John 3:6) NOT that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on and take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ...Sister - I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But ONE THING I do - FORGETTING - what is behind and STRAINING toward what is ahead, I PRESS ON - toward the goal - to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14

Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and enjoy SAFE pasture. Take delight - IN THE LORD. And HE will give you - the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:3-4

Therefore my...sisters - whom I love and long for, my joy...stand firm in the Lord in this way...
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:1,4

Got a third breast?

I'm sorry! Does that title gross you out? Call me politically incorrect - or, as my friend Jaime would say, "Here's the line - Here's you," and then she clearly demonstrates I've crossed it with facial expressions and hand gestures that crack me up!!!.... But I know - full well - that what I have called good in my life - is often NOT GOOD at all. And only - ONLY- ONLY - by the grace of God have I been able to realize the futile way of thinking that allowed something to comfort me, encourage me, entertain, support and gratify me, instruct and guide, mold and inspire me, supplement my daily life diet - that was in fact - POISON. I've come to call these potential hazards a third breast. (Sorry, Jaim!) Stay with me, please... I'll explain.

When I have failed to recognize that God is my portion - no matter what it is that I am seeking in this life - I have run to another source of help. Cigarettes. Food. Music. Alcohol. Movies. Friends. T.V. Exercise. Food. Shopping. Books. Magazines. Cooking. Cooking Food. Did I say food? Anyone else with me? What I want isn't always what I need.

Have you ever had a craving, and then you couldn't find what it was you really wanted so you jammed whatever you could find in your mouth just to get you by? I hate those moments. My kids do that constantly. They stand in front of the fridge or the cupboard just looking, like maybe what they're hoping for and not seeing will suddenly appear. My son is famous for this. He tells me he's hungry and then says, "Mommy, I'm hungry for something. I know you are going to say no."
"Try me," I say.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he asks so adorably.
"Like what?" I'll ask, trying to avoid the fact that he was right; I am going to say no.
"Like bubble gum - or a lollipop?"

Like that's going to fill him up? What he's needing is nutrition - something to satisfy his body hunger. What he's going for is something that in his thinking is the perfect choice. AHHHHH! That is so me! I'm an adult and I can soooo clearly see my own thinking as he postures his plea so innocently! ...I want:_________ ...but since that's beyond my control and not readily going to appear any time soon - I'm thinking this: _______ - will be good."

And then what happens? I go for it! I go for what I think is good and will satisfy, and then all of a sudden I grow a third breast. I didn't see it coming, but it's there. I add onto myself something that seemingly is good - but is really not of God's design for me at all. I can justify it though - boy I can justify myself very well before a crystal clear mirror! But it's a breast! A breast is a good thing! A very good thing for crying out loud!!! Really? The enemy is so, so deceptive! He can actually help manipulate my thinking by showing me - as daily the Spirit of God increases my discomfort - and by Him His Spirit is disquieted in me as I try to balance my third breast. My enemy has actually - brilliantly - absolutely brilliant on his wicked part! He has strategically molded and placed other third breasted people in this world! Yes! I kid you not! So then we see each other and we think - "Hey, they're just like me! It must be okay! I'm not alone - and their third breast is actually bigger and more obvious than mine! ...so, I should be able to enjoy and handle it just as well without it ever becoming too much to live with. OH MY HEART!!!! Is anyone else with me in this?

God is El Shaddai. Have you heard this name for our God? It means: "pourer-forth or shedder -forth - of blessings. Shaddai describes power, not violent power but of all-bountiness. Shaddai primarily means breasted - from the Hebrew word Shad - that is "the breast" - that which nourishes - pours forth - blessings, temporal and spiritual. El Shaddai means multi breasted one. Think about that. It is God who is The Source of all blessing - all nourishment - every need met in One God. (Lord, I Want to Know You by Kay Arthur - please check it out!) God called Himself "El Shaddai" - God Almighty in Genesis 17:1-8 when He tells 99 year-old childless Abram that he is going to YET have descendants with whom God ALMIGHTY is going to establish an everlasting covenant. Abram had all he needed IN GOD for this dream - this desire of being a father - of having descendants - to be met in God - and God alone, which is exactly how God wanted it. Abraham had a craving - and he did not trust what God said about how it would be met. (Genesis 15-22 ) So what did Abraham do? He got a third breast. His name was Ishmael. Ishmael would cause increasing discomfort as Abraham sought to balance his will with God's. That never works! Eventually, Abraham was told by God - who knew what was best for Abraham all along - to send Ishmael and his mother away. Abraham obeyed. Sorrowfully? You bet! A mastectomy is never pleasant, but it does heal.

Creator - life giving God - is our source of every need, every want. What I desire - so needs to be examined, and pressed up against, and pressed into my God. What does that look like - pressing my desires into our God? For me ...well...you really wanna know? Cuz you don't have to do it this way - but for me - this is clarity...HUGE! I write out what I am asking God for! Yes! I do! I keep a journal of my conversations - requests to God - and I examine what I am talking to Him about in light of Scripture. And in Scripture is where HE lovingly, mercifully, and gently examines me - what I am asking - examines my heart - all rolled up in the safety and security of His embrace. I learn this way - about me, about what I want - yes - in a way. - But primarily - most importantly so - I learn about OUR El Shaddai. He knows the purpose for what we were made. He knows what we need to achieve that soul satisfying purpose. He is that purpose. Without Him, we do not have life. Oh sure we'll exist - but don't you want to do more than exist? I want to live. I want to live the way I was made to live. Are you with me?

"Take delight IN the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 Praise the Lord, oh my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all of his benefits - who forgives all your sins, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion; who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. Psalm 103:1-5 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your ind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2 Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation...My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. Psalm 62:1,5. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:4

This house.

We bought our home in 1999. I remember the day we found it. The realtor saved this house for last. I'm sure she knew it would be the one that would grip us to buy. The master bathroom was the romancer that had me at "hello". His and her sinks - smiling sweetly at a loving distance across from one another, and a welcoming jacuzzi tub;... for me ... as a new home buyer - this was a dream.

How could we afford this house? We had agreed before we began our shopping journey that this purchase would be made based on one income - my husband's. How tempting it was to include mine - house after disappointing house. If we would include my income - oh the houses that we could have! That thought pervaded, but our commitment to what we had prayed and what we were sure was direction from God - remained.

Amazing to me now - AMAZING! No audible voice - no printed sign - or pushy well intending parent - this home ownership deal was ours - ours by our God who would lead us. One income thinking was for one purpose only - that I would remain home if I would so choose when we began a family. Can I even just tell you - at this juncture in our growth in Christ - I was not going to Scripture daily, nor was my husband. Can I even just tell you - I could not have brought to mind one verse that told me to seek God's will above my own - to be a worker at home - to consider the needs of my household - above my own...not one verse - only a strong impressed sense in both of our hearts - that to purchase our home on one income was the wise thing to do - despite what we wanted and could own with two.

And can I even just tell you - I AM A MATERIALISTIC PERSON! I am! I constantly have to surrender my wants and desires to my God! And at this juncture - that I would submit to a one income kind of home - BLOWS MY ARROGANT MIND! I would have wanted to impress! I would have wanted to toot my - "I made it through the rain" - horn! Because at this point in my life - I had been divorced - I had shared a dank apartment with a mouse - and I had lost the respect of many people in my life because of my poor decisions. So to be able to shine through my new teacher income and my husband's income in the image of a "HOUSE upon a hill" kinda home - that would have been the longing of my heart. "Look EVERYBODY - I made it!!!" Do you know what I mean? Sad, and ridiculously true.

But - BUT - BUT!!! the grace of God! the help of God continued to cover me - and cover the sweet man who married the risky choice of this gal. Grace covered us both, and God impressed gently, and yet so powerfully, on our hearts to buy our home with one paycheck comin' in the door. I love our God! He made it happen. God alone.

So, this morning I sat in our family room - and because of festivities happening in our house today with friends and our children - and the joy all that brings - I thanked God for our house - for this life I get to live within its walls. And then - as only God can do - he brought to my mind the image of another house - of another life - I once loved, and wanted, and prayed for.

Once upon a time, I loved a house in Akron. It was a beautiful little ranch. Built before my eyes - and not without the help of my own hands in tiny tasks - like picking up stones, scraps from the yard, and garbage that building can bring. I wanted this house, but it was not mine. It was built and belonged to my boyfriend. It was his dream - and he made it happen. Swept up in awe of him, I clung to his strength - to his dream - and the hope that he would wrap me up and carry me into this picture of security.

He did. He asked me be his wife despite the caveat shouting to both of our hearts. He was wrong for me in so many ways - and I for him in equal - or maybe even greater - measure. We did not live for God independently - nor did we live for God in our relationship. A marriage built on sand will fall as surely as the rains will come. And fall it did. The fairytale crumbled around me - and the house I lived in with him could not hold it together.

I am not one to give much weight to dreams, but at times they do reveal our inner struggles - don't they? One night, after crying myself to sleep knowing the divorce date was upon us, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was standing in the kitchen of my Akron house. It was burning - all of it - engulfed in flames - all around me. I stood there - trapped - locked in by the flames and consumed with grief. This house was being destroyed. And then - through the fiery red door - came a man whose face I could not see - but a tall, strong image of a man. He wrapped me up in his arms - and we began to dance. He twirled me - made me smile - and covered me with a sense of safety and joy - almost instantly. I did not see the house - the flames - only him. Through every room on out of the house we danced. Onto the plush, green lawn he twirled me loose - out of his arms - so that I spun around to see the house as it stood complete - but in flames - with me on the outside looking in. I was free.

I woke up. I woke up hugely impacted by the dream. I played it over and over and over in my mind. I would never forget it, but I tucked it away over the years - until several Sunday mornings ago...God unpacked it for me again - so that I could see it play more vividly now then ever before.

Jenna Cowart was leading worship this one morning. Before she began to sing, she asked us to close our eyes, and ask God to speak to us. She asked us to focus on Him, and just allow God to wash over our hearts - our minds - before we worship. I did as she asked - prayerful - still - seeking God. Then the song and the balladeer began. "Our God is an all-consuming fire - a burning holy flame - with glory and freedom. Our God is the only righteous judge ruling over us, with kindness and wisdom. We will keep our eyes on you. Yes we will keep our eyes on you. A mighty fortress is our God. A sacred refuge is your name. Your Kingdom is unshakable. With you forever we will reign. Our God is jealous for His own. None can comprehend his love and his mercy."

And I knew. I knew then, in that moment, what I was reminded of this morning when I began to thank God for this house. The mighty fortress is our God. To cling to anyone or anything else - to give thanks for what I have and where I am - is our God.

"Those who cling to worthless idols sacrifice God's love for them. But I - with shouts of grateful praise - I will sacrifice to you." Jonah 2:8-9

My Grandparents' Farm

Softly woke the world today
in autumn's subtle hue.

And morning breathed so sweet and cool,
she crystallized the dew.

A lazy pond that's vacant now
exhales a misty sigh,

For way off in the distance he can hear
the wild geese cry.

I wrote this poem when I was 17. My grandparents have been in heaven for a few years now, but I think of them often - especially this time of year when I anticipate my favorite holiday with all the smells of Grace from God cooking in the oven - and His love surrounded at our table - brimming over from our hearts. Although they are not with us - I sense them in my mother's mannerisms - her sentimentality -love of words and music - her apron - her Bitner nose - her laugh. She is their legacy, and she is good at it.

My uncle - my mother's brother is dying. I went and sat by his bedside the other day. I must tell you, this was not an easy choice. I am not one compelled to attend to the sick and dying. My heart is fragile and I cry so easily. I have never been close to my uncle. He was big and strong, and an offense to him was felt by all. So even though I remember times he pulled me up on his lap, funny things he said that made me laugh, or even though I remember still - the moment - the chair where he sat - and how I was simply walking past and said, "hello" -... I remember that he told me in that moment - long ago - that I was like a breath of fresh air; such comforting thoughts to carry with me when I was in his presence, but still he scared me most of the time. I, in spite of my fear, felt an urgency to go to see him. I argued with myself that I would not be wanted, and that I would be in the way. But the urgency would not let me rest. I prayed that if God wanted me to have time with Him - then He would have to give me entrance into that ICU, and I would trust he would and move, because I am His daughter.

As I approached the ICU, I could see it maybe 30 feet ahead of me - a nurse was pushing a bed through it's wide open doors. I heard in my heart, "run". And so I did. And when I entered, and turned to go to my uncle's room - there was my aunt, her grandson, and my cousin. She welcomed me - hugged me and told me how to gown up with mask and gloves and know he may sleep - but that I could go and sit with him. My cousin walked me to his glass walled room and even helped me put everything on so that he would be protected from outside germs that I might bring in. And then they were all gone.

It was just he and I - and yet - I knew we were not alone. The presence of God - a holy hush - settled in on my heart, and I was moved to tears as I prayed for this man that I saw - once again - through the eyes of a child that ran and played on his farm - the 18 year-old girl that lived under his roof my senior year of high school, and ate Captain Crunch at his breakfast table while he sipped coffee and a breakfast shake. This is my uncle; he is my grandparents - my mother - my own blood.

Words seemed silly in such a delicaate moment. But I spoke them anyway -fumbling to gather them - while I suppressed my fear of his reaction. He is a powerful man in my memory - and that image holds my respect no matter how frail - how sick he may be. I spoke gently this poem I've shared with you here - and thanked him for ducks, and cows and sheep filled memories of his farm where my brother's and I could play with rabbits, and chase chickens, and feed pigs slop. I thanked him for letting me live in his house - and told him I was sorry I did not thank him more. He smiled. And then the tears would not stop. He turned to me and squeezed my hand. "Don't cry."

I opened my journal and began to read to him. I didn't dare look at his eyes, for fear he would disapprove of the words I spoke with much conviction - and love. John 8:12...John 9:5. John 10:14. John 11:23-25. John 14:6. John 15:1. John 14:22 all the way to "Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." And then I knelt beside him and prayed for light. He said as I knelt there, "Tell Bonnie to get Jack." I told him she was coming. He repeated it again, "Tell Bonnie to get Jack." "They'll be here," I assured him. Hold I thought. Please hold. I watched his vital signs of green lines and numbers. Life is still in you. There is time to live full life even now, my uncle. Right now we can know full life. I could not stop crying. He looked at me again. I smiled at him. "I want to take this from you," was all I could say. He closed his eyes.

He turned to me and said, "Sit down." I thanked him for inviting me to stay and pulled the chair beside him.I gave him some of the liquid he could have by a spoon. He took two swallows, and closed his eyes again. I lowered my head and continued to pray. He drifted to sleep, and would open his eyes from time to time to see if I was still there. I would say, "I do not want to leave you." And I would say, "I'm just sitting here praying for you. You sleep." And I said, "You're not alone." He responded that time, "I know." He said a little later, "I have to get up. I have to get out of the way." I said, "You have to rest." He smiled.

And as time always does, time urged me to leave. The bus would be coming and my children would be waiting. Life would go on outside that room where he was captive, and I did not want to leave him there. Full life, I thought. You can know full life right here. Right now. I told him I was going to go, but I wanted to see him again - thinking of heaven, but hoping for 8:00 p.m. that night. "I love you," he said. My uncle has never told me he loved me. It is written on my heart forever. "I love you, too, " I said. I have never told my uncle I loved him either.

I left in tears, but comforted by the understanding of grace, of love, of the Spirit that compels me. This was a good day to sit in silence with a man who is dying. This was a good day to grow up beside my uncle. We were not alone.

A Familar Place Called Wait.

I'm in a place of discomfort, Lord; a longing place for you to sit beside me for awhile right here - where there is an empty seat. I'm in a wanting place; wanting to hear your voice of direction; a quiet place, Lord. I'm in a place of restless emotions that cry for you to settle me right where I am, or send me in the direction that I am supposed to GO. I'm in a hard place, Lord; a place like rock. I am in a place called Wait. I am here listening for a Word. A Word from you, Lord; I am listening for a Word from you.

Do you know where I am, Lord?

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I fee from your presence?" Psalm 139:7

I hear this verse. I do.

Do you know this place, Lord? This place of Wait?

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:9

Yes. I hear this verse, Lord.

This is a hard place. A place like Rock, Lord. You are much stronger than I am.

"The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one." Psalm 28:8
"To you, Lord, I call: You are my Rock. Do not turn a deaf ear to me." Psalm 28:1

Are you hear now, Lord? I hear your Scripture in my head. It is in my heart. Is that you bringing it to my mind? I have sought you and seek you like air, Lord, in this Great Book you have given me to know you. I hear your Scripture, Lord all day. You are always speaking. You know that I know this. What I want is a Word from you that is specific to the need of my heart right now in this place of Wait. That Word from you, that intimate Daddy Word that is so personal and directional that it will change my circumstances today for the rest of my life. I am waiting on that Word that will wrap itself around my heart and echo through my life as part of your story in me forever. I am waiting on that Word that is our eye to eye moment, Lord. You and Me. You in me. You through me: piercing Word.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

I know you direct my waiting, Lord. I know.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?" Isaiah 40:28

Ahhh, yes. I know this one, too. Lord. I do. Isaiah 4O:31 "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength..." I know this one, too.

"What do you know?"

Are you asking me to consider more Scripture, Lord? The Bible heroes? I know your people waited on a Word from you. I know.

"What do you know?"

Alright. I know...let's see. Direct my thinking, Lord. What do I know?
I know Noah waited on a Word in the ark while water covered the earth. Abraham waited on a Word while he climbed the mountain to sacrifice his only son. Moses waited on a Word while living in the desert for forty years.

I do know.

"What do you know?"

Okay. More. I know David waited on a Word from you when he was faced with his enemy, King Saul. Solomon waited on a Word for wisdom in leading Israel . Nehemiah waited on a Word to rebuild the temple.

Yes, Lord. I know. I know that your people waited on a Word from you.

Isaiah waited on a Word from you to tell of the Messiah. Simeon waited to behold The Word. Paul, Timothy, John, all waited to behold His return.

I do know. I know, Lord.

"What do you know?"

I know, Lord, that your people have always waited on you; your people have always waited on your Word.

Teach me, please, why is this good? Why is this a good thing, Lord? Why do you make your people come to this place of Wait? Direct my thinking, by your Spirit.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God." Isaiah 40:28

Back to Isaiah 40. I learned this as a child. Lord, this word - everlasting. What is this to me? To my understanding? It is a term of exhaustion. Yet there it defines you without exhaustion. You are everlasting - a God that reaches around and holds the confinement of time - and beyond it you are there, and still beyond that.

"What do you know?"

"The Creator of the ends of the earth." Isaiah 40:28

You made it all. The vast expanse of earth - the boundaries of it. The ends of it? It will cease, then. Won't it?

"What do you know?"

Isaiah 40.

"He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. " Isaiah 40:28

I should not try to figure this out, Lord should I? At forty years old, I should expect to be in a place of Wait. Who am I, right? Is that the right question? Who am I to be elsewhere?

"What do you know?"

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall:" Isaiah 40:29-30

This place of Wait has nothing to do with who I think I am in my skin at forty, does it? I may think I know where I should be, and I may think I know where I should have been by now, but you are beyond my age or frame or boundaries.

"What do you know?"

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31

You are my strength.

"What do you know?"

"They will soar on wings like eagles." Isaiah 40:31

I will see above this place of Wait - and beyond it.

"What do you know?"

"They will run and not grow weary." Isaiah 40:31

When I feel like I am moving at a pace that is beyond my capacity - I will be able.

"What do you know?"

"They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

When I get to slow to a pace of ease - I will still be strong enough to still keep going.

It is good to be in a place of Wait. This is a good teaching place, Lord. I know. It will cease. I will move from here, and I will have perspective, and strength I did not have before. I know.

"What do you know?"

More? We're not done? More. Okay. Direct my thinking, Lord. What do I know?

I know that your people have waited long and hard for your Word. I know that you have always brought your people to a place of Wait. I know that you have brought them through this place and you have used your people, the place of Wait, and beyond it, for your glory.

"What do you know?"

I know - well - I know your people! Oh God! I do know your people! People I get to see with my own eyes, touch, and love, people who live for you in my lifetime - who have told of your story in their lives - when you have been with them in a place of Wait!

I know that Wes and Connie Aarum waited on your Word in a little town of Arcade.
I know that Jerry and Edie Gillis waited on your Word in the beautiful state of Georgia.
I know that Benji and Jenna Cowart waited on your Word in a small apartment in Florida.

I know that Kathy Freeman waits on your Word beside her husband, Russel, in Tulsa.
I know that Melissa Lombardo waited on your Word in Mannheim, Germany for her husband, my brother Lt. Col. Thomas Lombardo serving in Iraq.
I know that Bonnie Lombardo Wells waits on your Word every single morning at 5 a.m. in the city of Lockport - begging for every word you might give her to read and know and keep.

I know that this is a place of your people. I know your people. I know that you love them. I know I am counted among them. I know.

"What do you know?"
I am loved?

What do you know?
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of Justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30:18

"What do you know?"
I am blessed!
"What do you know?"
I AM blessed!
"What do you know?"
I am BLESSED!
What more do I possibly need to know in this place of Wait? I am blessed, Lord. Grateful now, and blessed.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? That I am the everlasting God."

flight.

"I know whom I have believed." 2 Timothy 1:12

Those who know me well know the sad truth that I do not like air travel. It is an exercise of faith every time I step onto an airplane. For me the entire flight is spent in prayer begging God for my life and fighting the imaginations that feed my fat, insatiable fear.

I hate that I have any fear. I hate that I am so very skilled at feeding fear. Shoveling detailed images from my mind into the gaping mouth of fear physically hurts. And fear most definitely does not reveal the Spirit of God that I believe indwells me. Fear reveals the pitiful shell of me.

In my younger years I traveled by airplane with much excitement! Loved the adventure! Couldn't wait to board the plane and feel it lifting off. Ireland, England, Florida,Tennessee, Las Vegas, Mexico, North Carolina, Australia for crying out loud!!! - wherever! I loved to travel! How then was my fear birthed? One flight. That was all it took. On one flight into Buffalo the plane I was on had trouble with the landing gear. After several loud attempts the landing gear had not come down, and so the emergency lighting inside the plane went on. Panic consumed me. I literally felt overcome with fear. Just breathing took effort. I cried in quiet, sleeve stifled hysterics while the man beside me, whose hand I grabbed without permission - assured me the aircraft would land despite the difficulty. We did land, but I would never fly again without a new fear, a grotesque and hungry monster that lives to coil around my gut at any moment in the cold, stale, pressingly small, tight, inescapable carcass of a plane.

Have I stopped flying? Of course not! Because then, in my warped mind, what I fear will become real! Right? Then it's as if I have confirmed for all of life - my life - my husband and children with me - for my family and friends - that death for me and for those I love is going to be by plane. Ludicrous. My grandmother had a fear of traveling far from home. Just that: fear of leaving home. She died in a chair in a very safe nursing home at 86. One breath - and she was gone. Fear that was life confining and fear that was totally unfounded. I consider this carefully, I assure you - and by her story I assure myself.

My pastor once asked me, "Does God need a plane to kill you?" Hard question to ponder - the reality that one day God will in fact take life from me. The answer however is simple: no. Our every heart beat - our every breath- is a gift that can and will be taken from us - by the will of God. That I can control what that end of life as I now know it will look like and feel like is plain stupid - arrogant, sure - but more than that - stupid. So I fly. I fly and suppress the fear monster with every bit of faith I have been given to employ.

We traveled to Dallas, Texas on 9/10 - yes, I was well aware this was the day before the anniversary of 9/11 - and did indeed contemplate how terrorists may like to do a countdown type of strategy with the U.S. to our final destruction - one plane and national site at a time - you know...9/11 -9/10-9/9 - a countdown with the dates...I know - I'm pathetic - I tell you - PATHETIC! But anyway we were on this flight from Buffalo to Newark on to Dallas to visit family. My children were so excited for - absolutely - the plane ride. To see their thrill of stepping on board the aircraft - while touching the side of the plane that would rise high above the earth and cut through clouds - was beautiful. To see the excitement on their faces as we peered down at the earth below and looked out at billowy skies - was beautiful. I longed for childlike faith. LOOOONGGGEEED for it! Beautiful, peaceful faith that does not look for harm, but looks for wonder and amazement. Who gets that but children?!?!

They contemplated the sherbet dripping heavens at sunset while I contemplated all the tragedies God has allowed in this world. Their bowl of perspective was so much more enjoyable - but I could not bring myself to taste from it.

From the devastation of the world to the persecution of His saints, from the sinking of the Titanic to the attacks on 9/11. "God," I prayed, "you allow so many horrible tragedies. Why should I think you would not allow me or my children to experience horror? I refuse not to be ready for it, God. Tragedy for me - for us is possible. Right now. I'm ready." God was silent. One verse kept going through my mind as I watched the sunset from the window of my self inflicted tomb. "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament shows His handwork."

"This is not helping, " I prayed. "I know you made the heavens. I know they are miraculous. I also know that well-intended, brave astronauts have slipped the surly bounds of earth to touch the face of God. "So, I still do not want to be this high - or higher still. "I'm not dong well with the heavens declaring the glory of God, Lord, " I prayed. The verse repeated as if to tell me my feelings did not concern truth.

I held a book in my sweaty hands, Faith Beyond Reason by A. W. Tozer. I had opened it, and tried to read it, to learn something that I could tool with through this flight - but I could only read the title again, and again, and again. Faith Beyond Reason.

"God, " I prayed again, "you allow so many tragedies. Why should I think you would not allow me or my children to experience horror?" Faith Beyond Reason. Faith Beyond Reason. Faith Beyond Reason. I read over and over and over, as images from Life is Beautiful the story of the holocaust, http://www.zuguide.com/#Life-is-Beautiful played before my tear filled eyes. "God, your people have always suffered. Why should I believe that you would not allow me or my children to experience horror?"

Now, let me be clear here - I do not believe that I have ever heard the audible voice of God - but I know as sure as I know that someone somewhere is reading this blog (and for that I thank you!) I know that I received at this point in my banter of shallow inaudible thinking - I received an answer that I could not have given myself. It was simply and unforgettably this: "Faith is not based on what I have done. Faith is not based on what I will do. Faith is based on who I am." So upon this thought - I now had nothing to say. Because to argue this truth was pointless. "You are God," I prayed. "You are in heaven, and I am on earth. You are my God." I continued for just a few moments more to stare at the book I held. Faith Beyond Reason. Then I closed my eyes and went to sleep on a plane for the very first time in a very long time.

What is most amusing to me, and why I write this entry today, is that had I actually opened the book I held in my lap and focused my thoughts I would have read then - what I read this morning - and what God was so gracious to teach me in spite of myself. Tozer writes:

"How can we get over the idea that God exists just to help run their businesses or fly their airplanes? God is not a railway porter who carries your suitcase and serves you. God is God. He made heaven and earth. He holds the world in His hand. He measures the dust of the earth in the balance. He spreads out the sky like a mantle. He is the Great God Almighty. He is not your servant. He is your Father, and you are His child. He sits in heaven, and you are on the earth...You cannot come to God with bargaining and with promises. But if you will throw yourself recklessly upon God, trust His character, trust the merits of His Son, you will have the petition you have asked of Him. You can have this confidence in God, and you can have this respect for His will. Do not expect God to perform miracles for you so you can write books about them. Do not ever be caught asking God to send you toys like that to play around with. But if you are in trouble and concerned about your situation and willing to be honest with God, you can have confidence in Him. You can go to Him in the merit of His Son, claiming His promises, and He will not let you down. God will help you, and you will find the way of deliverance. God will move heaven and earth for you if you will trust Him."

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him." Psalm 34:8

Covenant Love

Twelve years ago today I became a bride for the holiest of purposes - that I had yet to realize - and still do not fully know or comprehend. The passionate, Consuming Fire that is our loving God continues to burn IN and THROUGH this marriage melding the two of us into His image. If I had only known what marriage meant then - would I have stood before my groom without tears, without humility??? Would I have even thought I was capable - let alone worthy - of the task that we would embrace - hand in hand - life to life??? How merciful that our understanding is veiled!

A covenant of love, of power, of grace seals a marriage. That we, who live for Christ, are held to it daily - with love - joy - peace - longsuffering - gentleness - goodness - faith - is a miracle of God's promise (Gal. 5:22). He is able. He alone can do it. We - together- are saved daily by a covenant that He alone has made. It is all our God. We cannot boast one day of what He - for His purposes - has done - and by His grace continues to do.

What a gift to our stained glass window of life! He has pieced it together. He has fired it, colored it, arranged it, and set it apart. And He is the light shining through it to reveal His own image. It is all Him.

"None of us lives to himself, and no one dies to himself." Romans 14:7 "Let no one seek his own, but each one the others well-being." I Corinthians 10:24

Marriage

"You were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's." I Corinthians 6:20 Christ will be magnified in the body. (Phil. 1:20)

Is

Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. (I Cor. 1:24) In whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. (Col. 2:3) The unsearchable riches of Christ. (Eph. 3:8) Of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God; and righteousness and sanctification and redemption. (Eph. 3:19)

Miraculous!

"And the two" - 12 years ago - and still - and yet again today - and by grace tomorrow - and tomorrow - and, oh God, that we could have still another day after that, and after that; we two - by His power -" became one flesh". He equals me. And I am still falling with him - ever so much deeper in THE LOVE our God has made.

May I honor you, God, by the way that I love my husband - and honor him by the way I love YOU.

I said it first.

I am your servant, I told Him.

I am your servant, He replied.

I was silent. And then pondered, rather confused, because surely I have heard myself in an echo and not my Lord.

I am your servant, Lord, I said again.

I am Your Servant, He replied.

Oh God my thoughts deceive me, I am most certain.

I am your servant, Master. You are my God.

I said it first, He responded. I said it to you, my child, long before you even knew I loved you. I bent low and washed your feet.

Oh God, I am so ashamed. I did not realize. I did not acknowledge you. I did not thank you. I did did not even consider what you had done. Why is it so hard to see that it was you positioned before me in such humility?

He was silent for a moment as I pondered my own question.

And then I knew. His lips never moved, and yet I heard His voice.

"Love each other as I have loved you."

Humility is harder on my heart than on my knees, Lord.

Indeed He replied. But lift up your eyes. I see you.

BUT I WANT IT!

In the process of my learning, TRUTH often brings tears. I do not need to fear when my children cry in their learning - but rather do for them what God continues to do for me - wrap the truth in arms of love.

Today I learned: "Do you seek great things for yourself? Do not seek them." Jeremiah 45:5

Yes, I did cry. And yes, I was embraced - because this followed:

"Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example that you should follow His steps." I Peter 2:21.

Oh my heart! I sobbed in the realization of my pride! And then our Heavenly Father pulled me in a little closer - a little tighter - a little more secure in who He is and how He knows I need Him - "Where sin abounded, grace abounded much more." Romans 5:20

It is good to be loved by The God of The Bible. He is a good daddy. He is.

Today

This life - (going deep now) is most certainly not about what I LIKE - although it is laced with sweetness - it IS, however, for now - everything I need to realize and embrace the LIVING God of grace, mercy, love - and my ultimate SATISFACTION. GRATEFUL for patience as I learn what "life is not about me" reeeally looks like - and feels like.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul; He guides me down paths of righteousness for His names sake." Psalm 23:1-3

"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him (Jesus) the iniquity of us all." Isaiah 53:6

" I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep. John10:11

"I will seek what was lost and bring back what was driven away, bind up the broken and strengthen what was sick." Ezekiel 34:16

"You were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls." I Peter 2:25

"Our Lord Jesus....that great Shepherd of the sheep." Hebrews 13:20

Charis

Francis Chan was speaking via DVD at one of our Vintage college group meetings (www.vintagetruth.com) - and I was captivated by his words - as if he were standing right in front of me "strumming my life with his fingers - singing my life with his words - killing me softly". Are you laughing? I have to amuse myself in the midst of housework that calls to me and this itch to write. I'm laughing. Okay - I'll focus. Back to Vintage and the DVD. Francis Chan talked about grace. Grace. Now there's a concept I feel as if I move in and out of - trying to understand and experience and only recently feel compelled to demonstrate. And bear with me - because seriously, I still don't get it.

Grace is by Webster's definition is: unmerited divine assistance given man for his regeneration or sanctification; a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace. Laura Lewis definition - the undeserved huge help of our holy God. Can't imagine what the Greek definition might be. Ugh. Now I have to look it up. And my laundry machine is beeping, but this pin prick in my heart is more urgent. "Charis" is the Greek word for grace or favor on the part of the giver, thanks on the part of the receiver. And it says in my Strong's concordance that "although charis is related to sins and is the attribute of God that they evoke, (God's "eleos" - or compassion, the free gift of the forgiveness of sins), is related to the misery that sin brings. God's tender sense of our misery displays itself in His efforts to lessen and entirely remove it - efforts that are hindered and defeated only by man's continued perverseness. Grace removes guilt; mercy removes misery."

Are you going through your memories right now and considering the incredible demonstration of God's grace in your life? Close your eyes - and for just a second consider the blessings - the gifts of God in your life that ease your struggle - that strengthen you in the fight - that focus your attention on the love of God. Wait. Do not move from this place of worship in your heart and mind until you ask to realize more - what have you been blessed with that you did not even realize was your God's gift to you. Wait. Ask to see it. Ask to understand. Wait a moment more. How faithful is our God! Is it not overwhelming? Just the computer in front of you - a link to truth right now in our lives - together - is a gift of grace if you choose to see it - to use it that way. The stillness that we gather around us - now. This exhale moment... Truly - have we ever been without His help? And for every grace filled moment that I attributed the gift of God to someone or something else - and He did not hold it against me - I am even more aware of His humility - His selfless love that pours over me in silent adoration. I am blown away by the mercy and grace of our God. "The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith, and love that are in Christ Jesus." I Timothy 1:14

My NIV study Bible is opened on the desk in front of me as I type. Hebrews 11:14-15 is speaking to me over the clicking of the keys on which I type. "See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." My heart is gripped with these words and I am literally struggling to give them meaning with everything I know, and have lived, and seen in my journey in learning who God is and who He is not. This instruction to "see to it" is for believers - for those of us who intimately know God's grace - who have experienced it - and get what it means to have a new life because of grace. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God is on ME because I am gifted with His spirit to love and demonstrate grace. OHMYHEART! What does that look like, Lord? What? I know all too well that to ask God such a question will in fact bring an onslaught of life lessons where I will begin to grasp the breadth and depth of what He wants me to realize and be for His amazing purposes. I do know God cannot fall short of giving grace. His demonstration of grace is through Christ. Romans, if you are in your Bible concordance with me, is heavily noted with the word "grace".

"Through Him we received grace" Romans 1:5
"and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus." 3:24
"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more" 5:20

I also know that I have most certainly fallen short of showing grace. Proud and stupid as I can be, I seem to think I might know what is right to do - to say - to be - and UGH - then I learn about grace. How patient is our God! And for those of you who know me - and still love me...how patient are you! I am so grateful for people who never give up on us! who demonstrate the grace of God - so sincerely -and often without a word.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound - that saved a wretch like me. No words in that sound - just love filled images set to music that moves my heart to worship - begining with the cross -to my own life of 40 years - images of those who surround me now - who have been beside me and are no longer there -...God others...those images - the sound of grace. Grace is God's help to us when we did not deserve it, -demonstrated first by our God - and taught to us so that we might show it clearly to others... and how cool-cool-cool- that He involves us in His grace - that we get to be His hand of grace in the lives others, who like me, are in need of it's redemptive power. And I have been missing-missing-missing these incredible opportunities!!! UGH! If God has used me to demonstrate GRACE- truly - I was not aware. Grace is so humble. Grace is so strong and yet so silent. Grace is given without request. Grace is only the Spirit of the Living God.

Grace - my goodness - grace saves me from myself daily. The grace of God did not just sacrifice Himself for my sins - but the grace of God saw my helpless condition and put His spirit in me to help me break free of my sinful nature every day. Now! and now! and even now! Grace is a constant source of love, of power, of encouragement, and mercy. I have to read again the meaning of "charis" - grace. Scrolling up...Charis is evident in the midst of my sin. "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:7 What amazing grace!

And then - to consider - that I have been freed from my old ways! - God gave me a new heart - placed me under grace - not law. I used to see the do's and don'ts - the bars that surrounded what I defined as life. By miraculous faith - Jesus -the Gate of my life - replaced the bars - and I was able to embrace my freedom to live for Him. INCREDIBLE!

What brought me to this understanding was simply grace. I had not realized it - only until recently God stuck this truth to the "sticking place" moment in my life where He gave grace to me so sweetly - and I don't think I ever said thank you - and I don't think I ever said I was sorry - and I most certainly was not aware He was standing right there. The moment was simply grace filled - by my intimate God - and I am still in awe of it. Beautiful unexpected grace!

Please could I share it with you? - Briefly, I promise! I was 26. I was going through a divorce. I had known God since I was a child, had been a part of a church family, and attended a Christian school for nine years. I was not lacking the knowledge of what it meant to live for God - I was lacking the experience of how living for God actually felt in my own head, and heart, and skin. I had little respect for myself at this time in my life. It was my own grandmother who reminded me to step lightly in this life now that I was "damaged goods." I kept my head low as I would come and go from church - if in fact I could bring myself to attend. Church - the meeting place - never seemed to make me feel better - only ever worse. Church - the people -well, honestly I do not know where they were then, I only know I would have hidden from them if they approached me. So, I would arrive at church alone. Sit alone. Leave alone. I would lament over alcohol and cigarettes - my journal, and ice cream. I knew I needed God, and I wanted to live differently - but I had no idea how to rid myself of the trash that was my life - my habits - my name. And then one day - the phone rang - and grace was on the other end. My high school friend - Jamie George - who is now the lead pastor of a church - The Journey in Nashville, Tennessee - was on the other end. That he was calling me at this time in my life - blew my mind. I was embarrassed to be found. I knew that he was aware of my divorce - and I knew that he was aware that I was not innocent of what brought it about - I knew that if he saw me - talked to me - that my guilt, my sin would be clear - but I ached for what he offered over the phone - time with him and his wife - they wanted to hear how I was - to listen to my story if I cared to share it - to encourage me - and I was dying for their love.

We met for breakfast almost 14 years ago. I cannot remember the exact exchange of words, what I do see in my memory as clear as the computer screen in front of me - is a snapshot of the two faces full of compassion in front of me. There was no judgement. No one outlined my sin. No one showed me the Scripture that clearly marked my first false step. No one detailed the way I should live from now on, or made me apologize for the hypocrite I had been all these years in claiming to love God. No one cast one stone at me, or wanted me to gather them to throw at myself. These two bearers of grace sat with me - and only offered love. Angie, with great tenderness and humility, told me of her need for Bible studies. She had read, Kay Arthur's Lord, Heal My Hurts, and had loved what it meant to her in her own life. This compassionate heart of God - leveled the playing field for me - so that I would not feel like I was reaching up to take this book - but reaching across - one girlfriend to another - one broken life - repaired by Christ - to another that was not beyond His love, His help, His healing.

Grace. I experienced the grace of God through two people - who could have - Jamie for sure - a preacher's son - a childhood friend - a preacher himself; - he could have blasted me with every bit of truth I was deserving to hear, know, realize and be sorry for - but he didn't. Grace was all he offered, and grace was what gripped my heart and brought me healing. I cried the whole way home. They were leaving town again - and I would be without their encouragement and love, and I would have to try to move from this place with the hope they had given me. Oh the grace of God - THAT hope was enough! They prayed with me before they left. I don't remember what they prayed - but I do know this - God heard and He answered..

I took that book home, and I opened it, and I met for the first time in my life - a woman - who was real enough to share her redemptive story of grace. I had a friend in Kay Arthur instantly. She, through the voice of her book, sat me down on my second-hand sofa in that tiny apartment on Dysinger Road in Lockport, New York and told me her grace story. I cried my eyes out. If God would forgive her, and help her, and redeem her life - then most certainly he would help me. Saved by grace; healed by grace - and strength to move on - because of grace; my very first Bible study - and I soaked it up for every bit of truth I needed. How gracious of God that I did not get overwhelmed - but only more hungry. I did not get discouraged by all I had to let go of in my life so that I could realize the love of God that was mine - I just kept getting more and more grace! and the letting go got easier and easier because my hands were so full of all He is to hold and more. Oh my God I am so grateful for the TRUTH that is His word - that is Him. Even today His grace abounds - and I am free to embrace Him with all I am and with all I am not. "Grace covers all of me".

"See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God..." How grateful I am for bearers of grace in my life. Where would I be without grace??? ...The rest of that verse is very telling to me..."and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many." I could have remained that bitter root. I could have... - "but by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect." I Corinthians 15:10

"Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? But he gives us more grace." James 4:5

I - have much to realize - and much to give. What a gift to understand that today! Thank you for grace, my friends. May I never miss again - the opportunity to bless you as richly as you have blessed me - in this grace paved journey we share. "Grace be with you all." I Timothy 6:21 No wonder Paul was always sayin' that!!!

Truth

Truth. Do we know it when we hear it? Are we discerning enough to recognize the lie from the truth? What is the key to insight? to truth? I'm talkin' life pivotal truth - that brings about change in us and through us for our good - for the good of others.

I was talking to a mom yesterday about who has a five year-old daughter. Her little girl is challenging this mother using four letter words of the most colorful kind. The child has heard these words from Daddy and Grandpa and enjoys trying them out herself in any context that requires a raised voice and strong emphasis. The mother's concern: What do I do if she goes to kindergarten using these words in the classroom?

She went on to tell me she has put her daughter in time out and that never works, and so now she has resorted -as of late - to telling her child when she swears at her, "If you talk that way, the devil will visit you at night."

"However," she continued - "every day it still continues - regardless of being told the devil will be coming to see her in the night."

Do you see clearly to the truth? What really needs to happen here? This mother of two has heard many opinions. Can you imagine the various kind of directions and inights she has been given? And does anyone consider the precious hearts tethered by hope to their words? More than cussing in kindergarten is at stake here. A relationship is being molded. A child's heart is being shaped. A mother's influence is being cultivated.

How desperate we are for the way, the truth and the life! How easily we are lost in our own understanding! Every word on which we pivot is so powerful, and deception is so very subtle, isn't it?

"Sanctify them by truth; your WORD is truth." John 17:17

A Snake. Why am I surprised?

Early wake up call this morning. About 6:30 a.m. my girly-girl is up to greet the day with me. I am an early riser - and she is never far behind me. We enjoyed the beautiful sunrise crafted by our artistic Creator, and together bounded upstairs to get ready for the day.

She had been in her room for a few moments rummaging through her closet looking for a shirt that would match the sky she had just admired, and then she was at my side as I rummaged through my own closet.
"Mommy, " she said.
"Yes.." I replied.
"Did you see the notes in my folder about the Anaconda?"
"Yes. I did. I left them there because I thought you might need them for your research paper." (It's research week in her third grade class.)
"Did you read them?"
"No. Did you want me to?"
"Well, I want to read to you one really cool fact that has me totally freaked out." She disappeared with a bounce and was back at my side just as quickly and enthusiastically. "You gotta hear this: (Oh my heart! If I had only known what I would hear next.) "The male Anaconda mates with the female by sliding along her body until their two openings come together."

Silence.

She looked up at me. I am telling you, my friends, a conversation took place between my child's eyes and my own that I thought would take place one day- but that I had not imagined - or anticipated what that silent language would sound like in my heart and in my mind - locked with hers - my girl - my child - my heart song. She locked eyes with me and asked a question with those sparkling emeralds that my own eyes answered without a sound. I confirmed without wanting to confirm, and she knew. I saw the light of understanding come across those green eyes and ignite a smile. She exhaled and stayed locked in on me. I asked her - now with words - choosing oh so carefully what those words might be, "What do you think those openings might be?"

She replied, so trusting - so completely unafraid to let me in on her own secret ponderings (thankyouGod!) "I think they are their mouths and their cha-chas." (definition of cha-cha: private part. I know, silly, but it has worked for now.)

"Kamryn," I said, "you are very smart, and I think you are right." She smiled at me, looked down at her paper and shook her head with such delight in herself - in her understanding.

It was a precious awakening, and yet I wanted to cry. "You know!" I thought to myself. "You know!" my heart sobbed inside. That snake taught you something that I was not ready for you to know, and won't that be the way it always is?

Oh my little girl, I love to learn alongside of you! Your innocent perspective is precious to me, and I will handle it with care as your eyes are opened to the truth of God's gift of sex. Satan has plotted since before you were born to rob women of the beauty of God's design for sex in marriage. But God, my baby - But God! He is far wiser than the Snake he created! And so - And so - And SO - (strong resolve!) with your hand in mine - I will walk closely with you clinging to God's Truth in all of our conversations, drawing your attention to Him - His Creative Design that surrounds us from dusk until dawn. I will not fear the lessons of the dark that you have yet to realize, but, my girl, I will shine God's Light on them with you, so that you can embrace TRUTH, and not be ignorant of it. God is faithful! He will see to it that you, my daughter, will be armed with everything you need to answer - on your own - what the snake whispers to deceive your heart.

"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you. Jeremiah 31:3 I drew them with gentle cords, with bands of love. Hosea 11:4 I (Jesus), if I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all peoples to Myself. John 12:32 Behold the Lamb of God! John 1:36 As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:14-15

Good News

What a different day today is from yesterday! I have an answer to prayer, and it is one that brings clear direction and peace. Double blessing. Kaden's MRI did not show a brain tumor. He has a sinus infection and a cyst on one of his sinuses. A specialist will tell us more about the cyst at our appointment in two weeks. The blockage caused by the cyst could be the cause of his headaches or it might not. We will have to see. HOWEVER, huge EXHALE for the release of what I was prepared to embrace! The genetics packed into my son's head had me well-aware of the fragility of flesh. How I wish I could fully understand what Jesus meant when he said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." When he said, I am the resurrection and the life," to Martha - and when John said "The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us." I want to get what that means so that I do not cling to this life in fear! I want to be infused with understanding with what it means to have eternal life NOW - cause indeed it has already begun for those of us who believe. Because with that kind of faith - what would bring fear to my heart concerning my children? concerning the people that I get to know and love and learn with? concerning myself?
Faith! I need great faith! I need faith that sees the eternal aspect of this life we have in Christ who is the only LIFE. What did I just say? Does that make sense? I wish - how I wish - this truth had visual sense in my heart and mind! One day! Oh sweet one day it will!

I remember when I was about 10 weeks pregnant with Kaden - oh great, I'm crying. Ugh. Bear with me. My husband and I came home from Vintage (then 1824 - our church college group) on a Tuesday night, and it was about 10 o'clock. I had just tucked my daughter into her little bed, and was getting ready for bed myself when I realized I was bleeding. At 10 weeks of pregnancy - that is never good. I began to cry very hard because the bleeding increased and I was cramping with it as well. "My baby is gone," was all I could think. I shook as I dialed the phone to find out from my gynecologist what I should do, or what I could do to stop this - to save my baby. "Wait until morning," she said. Can you believe that??? Wait until morning?!?!? I was hormonal and bleeding, and hoping in a life that was yet unseen - but hoped in with every ounce of my heart, my body, my mind - all of me waited for this child - since the moment I knew he was there - and she told me to wait until morning! She said the words, "not good". DNC was somewhere in there. I was lost in emotions, and I struggled not to give meaning a shot at the reality of my heartache. Please not my baby. Please not my baby. Please not my baby.

What could I do but pray? My sweet husband, so full of faith - never shed a tear while he held me. So strong! so trusting! never spoke a word of false hope or even one of stone hard truth. He let me cry and pray in his arms as we sat together on the floor beside our bed. And when I could think logically about what was going on, I asked him to go to the store for me. The blood flow was not stopping, and I was only prepared for a baby - not blood. He went, and I stayed put - by the side of my bed -so afraid to move. So perfectly waiting -as if God placed it there - my Bible was right beside me. Having no idea what to read, what to think about - my mind did not land on one verse to seek out - I just opened the book and began to read where my eyes fell. Can I tell you what I read?

"People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there. Matthew 19:13-14

I kid you not! I would not have been able to find this verse if my life depended on it. However, that night - on my knees before my God - it was there. And amazingly - I stopped crying and rocking and shaking. I did not pontificate about the layers of truth in Jesus message or cross reference and study, and try to learn all he was really saying to these people in Judea - all I did was close my eyes and say, "Okay". This baby is yours and I will entrust it to you. I recorded my thoughts in my journal that night. I would love to share with you what I wrote:

12/10/02
It is 11:43 p.m. I believe I am losing you, my baby. I am bleeding pretty heavily, and I called my doctor who said it does not sound good. Last Wednesday I was bleeding a little, but it stopped. I went and had an ultrasound and Daddy saw your precious heartbeat. We thought you would be okay. I cannot keep you inside me - no matter how much I ache to cradle you into life - God holds you now - and to Him I give all the praise - all the honor and glory.

"Trust in the Lord Forever - for in YAWH, the Lord is everlasting strength." Isaiah 26:4
"Let the little children come to me for such is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 19:14

I wrote again a week later.

12/17/02
My precious baby, I gave you to God completely, and He has graciously allowed me to keep you. I cannot bring myself to read the page before this one, because I know it is full of grief and letting go. For now your heart still beats within me, and for now that is all I need from God. He sustains you. He sustains me. Together we grow - because of Him.

Yes, God brought this all to mind in the midst of wrapping Kaden too tightly in a life I cannot possibly define correctly in my limited understanding. God holds Him. He always has. And His purposes for that tender, beating heart - for Kaden's mind -for his growing courage -are far beyond what I can imagine in baseball pants or cozy shark pajamas - and hugs that smell like a penny.

God's life for Kaden is eternal. No, I do not fully realize what that means. I wish I did. I only know that our God will hold me to that truth - always. And - yes, THAT is good news.

Evidence of things not seen.

Faith is believing without seeing. I understand that concise definition. A certainty that cannot be formulated around anything that is completely logical - just that inner drive to believe. Faith is a gift from God. We are equipped by our Creator and Savior with the capacity to believe without seeing - and not only that - but we are also gifted with the freedom to choose what we put our faith in. Now that is a mystery to me. It is in me to believe in a god or an ideology I cannot see or touch. And what I love about this is that not only has the Creator gifted us with the ability for this intangible treasure called faith - but He has also made it His purpose to grow us in our ability to believe. By God's grace, He has lovingly taught me that any other god I have trusted in apart from Him will fail. And by His grace He has taught me His unwavering character and promises that I can believe in despite circumstances of this world that cause pain and fear.

The morning of May 29th, 1990 I received a phone call. I was alone in the house. Everyone else had gone to work. My brother, Tom, called to tell me my father had been in a car accident. It wasn't good. He told me that he would call to let me know more when he could.

Waiting.

I readied myself quickly. My mind raced. What if he was going to be in the hospital a long time? Tom's wedding was in two weeks. What if he broke something? What if his eyes were hurt. He had just had cataract surgery. What if - what if he died? No. No he's not going to die. That's absurd. I discarded that thought immediately. He was driving my car. What if my car was totalled? Then what would I do? What if I had to go without a car?

Waiting.

Two hours had passed. How would I get the phone number for the hospital in Youngstown? How many hospitals were there in Youngstown. Information - call information. One number and a quick connection and I was on the phone with a nurse. "Please, I need to know about Franklin Lombardo."

"What is your relation, dear?"

My relation? What is my relation? "I am his daughter."

"Hold please."

Waiting.

"Hello, are you holding for information on Franklin Lombardo?"

"Yes, I am. Can you please tell me is he there?"

"He is here, and you need to come here, too. Can you get to the hospital?

"I need to get there? He has my car. I, well, I can find a way. I need to come now?"

"Yes, come now. Are you okay to drive?"

Okay to drive? "What is wrong? Is my dad okay? Is he going to be okay?"

"Sweetheart, just get here as soon as you can, and you need to drive very carefully."

"Okay. I'm coming. Tell him I'm coming right now."

"Be careful. Good-bye."

CLICK.

My heart. All I could hear was my heart. I stood in awe and wonder and listened to my heart race hard and fast.

Call my grandmother - I will call my grandmother. Someone tell me he's okay. "Please pray, Grammy. Daddy has been in a bad car accident. I just talked to someone at the hospital. They told me to come. What do I do?"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You calm down. You go like she told you. I will pray, dear. I will. Pop and I will be praying. Call me."

No car. I have no car. I called my friend to drive me. He said he would come quickly. He was on his way to get me.

Waiting.

The drive was long from Copley to Youngstown. I looked for evidence of his accident the whole way - and saw nothing. I wanted to see a glimpse of the reality of what I had been told. A car accident? A bad accident? How bad? Would I be able to tell how bad it was if I could see any remaining wreckage? I wanted to see something of what I was trying to grasp. Show me something, I thought. Skid marks, broken glass, a tow truck carrying my blue car?

"God will not let anything happen to you guys!" My friend blurted out to break the silence.

"If he dies, a part of me will die will die, too." I can hear myself say it as if it were yesterday.

Indeed, he died. Indeed God let it happen. And yes - a part of me died. I miss my dad terribly. There is rarely a day that goes by that I do not enjoy a memory of him or see him in my children and long for him in their lives and mine. However, I do not miss the part of me that died on May 29th, 1990. God allowed the death of a false god I worshipped - so that He could stand in its place and complete what was so desperately lacking in my heart.

"Those who cling to worthless idols sacrifice God's love for them." Jonah 2:8

I believe I worshipped the god of prosperity. "God will not let anything happen to you guys" was part of my belief system. What bad could happen when we worshipped the god of prosperity. This god made all things work together for good, and surely this meant no bad thing could touch us. False doctrine=false security=false hope=devastation in the hardship of this world.

If this life offered all we would need for joy - than why did Jesus even need to come and bring LIFE that we might have it to the full? I needed to know God, because most certainly I did not.

March 4th, 2010 was a beautiful Easter, wasn't it? During our family celebration, my son had one of his many headaches, but this time our family was all present, and rather concerned - especially when I told them this was one of several headaches since about October 2009. My mother-in-law reminded me that Kaden's Aunt Heather had headaches as a child and had a brain tumor removed at age five. Calling the doctor to have this checked out would be a wise move on our part. Again, I heard that old familiar beat of my heart - racing to catch up with the vision of my reality. Brain tumor. Kaden's aunt. Kaden's grandmother on his dad's side. Kaden's great grandfather and great uncle on his grandmother's side. Brain tumors are not uncommon in our family history. My second cousin's little boy died from a brain tumor. Thoughts racing wildly - and my family talking confidently over them that everything would be okay, just make sure. We left our Easter celebration with the resolve to take action. "I am the resurrection and the life." I heard it again, and again, and again - over the sound of the laughter in the back seat of the car - over the words in my memory...

"God will not let anything bad happen to you guys"

I remembered that false statement and once again was in the front seat of my friend's car driving to reach the end of my What If journey. I went to bed that night in that seat. My eyes filled with tears, the sound of my heart pounding out the truth of God that fills it now and didn't then - "Fear not for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, I am Kaden's God."

Waiting.

The 8'oclock hour could not come soon enough. I called and made Kaden's appointment, and the MRI was scheduled after seeing the pediatrician. Our family history - not the headaches in and of themselves - call for caution. March 7, 2010 at 11:00 Kaden would have the MRI so we could alleviate the possibility of a brain tumor.

Waiting.

God infuse me with faith! I want the faith of Rahab. I am doing a study at church called Women of the Bible with seven amazing women. Each woman of the Bible brings to our study time her own adventure with God, and each one brings her enthusiasm to know Him more. Yes, I speak of the ancient women on the written page of The Word - and of the women I get to know, and love, and grow with during this study time. Such a gift to my life! One lesson simply will not let me go. "Did I not tell you that if you believe you would see the glory of God?" Jesus words to Martha at the tomb of Lazarus. Martha had no idea what Jesus meant when he said he was the resurrection and the life. She knew, but she didn't really know. He refined her faith in him that day. Another woman who has impacted my heart recently is Rahab. She believed in God - simply by hearing of what He had done - and her great faith saved her and her family from destruction. Did her family members think she was crazy when she made them come and stay in her home while the army of Israel marched around their city? Did they scorn her and ridicule her for her unfaithfulness to Jericho, for her ludicrus actions? And when the walls fell and they walked out over the rubble - Did she turn to them and say, "Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?"

Why when circumstances press in on me am I afraid to believe in the power of God? Or is it that I am not afraid to believe in God's power - but actually I am afraid that I am believing in the wrong god once again?

Have I been trusting in the god of prosperity? Because if I am believing in the God who is the Resurrection and the Life - there is no need to fear what comes my way on the other side of What If.

Waiting.

Prayer is a miraculous weapon in the battle against principalities and powers. I enlisted the prayers of the godly women in my life - and they prayed! and they prayed hard! They are probably still praying! I asked for courage for my son and peace for him in that MRI machine that would cradle his body for 45 minutes. I asked for peace and courage for myself so that he could look in my eyes and see faith in a God who said HE would never leave us nor forsake us. I asked for the glory of God to come through this experience, and I asked if it would be God's will that He would give Kaden a healthy brain - evident in this MRI.

Waiting.

Kaden has not once demonstrated any fear - not once. We walked into that room that held the largest machine he had ever laid eyes on and he smiled the biggest smile. He knew he was going to be a part of something larger than his life! The kindest nurse walked him through how it would work and where he would lay. He hopped right up and was ready and willing to get started. You bet I thought of Isaac on the altar. For the glory of God - Isaac did not run. For the glory of God - neither did Kaden. I stood at his feet holding to them tightly and worshipping our Creator, our Savior, and our healer - who for His amazing purposes was letting us have this time with Him in His arms. No tears fell from my eyes - not one. I was steadfast and immovable in my faith. I felt the power of prayer - and I watched it overwhelm and still my child in total peace while the loud clammor of that machine pounded around his head. He was as gentle and as quiet as a lamb. "Fear thou not for I am with you. He anoints my head with oil. He rejoices over you with singing. I will call upon the Lord. I lift up my eyes to the mountain. My help comes from the Lord." Scripture after scripture flooded my heart and I prayed each one over that little boy whose eyes were closed from time to time as he thought of adventures yet to come: of Disney World, playing baseball, his friends at school, his birthday party for July, and swimming with sharks one day in heaven.

Every prayer we prayed for that MRI day was answered. Grateful, grateful, grateful for people who love us enough to endure with us through prayer. Beautiful are the prayers of my family and friends! What could be more precious than their own faith demonstrated on our behalf in prayer?

Waiting.

It's after 9 a.m. on April 8th, and I have not yet heard from the pediatrician. I am alone in the house, and I am waiting for the call. Today is a new day. What was old is passed away, and what is eternal of God lives in me. I have huge peace. That alone to me is amazing. Put in a place of vulnerability - (which truly is every heart beat - but I am a fool who often has misappropriated faith )- I wring my hands and cry. However on this flight - my dispossition is not my own - it is of God. I have peace even though we are seemingly in distress. Our seat belts are secure. Our pilot is in control. I am trusting, and I am rejoicing, and I am grateful for the refining of my faith.

I will let you know the fullness of this glory filled journey when we have landed. Thank you for believing with me in the glory of God.

Waiting.

Eve

Poised delicately

on a precipice of power

Created for the purpose of

ruling

and furthering the kingdom

of life,

she was given everything she

needed.

Did she really want for more

Or was it simply she lost sight

of all she had?

"Did God really say?"

The harbinger of death -

Dared to speak.

Ancient mellifluous call to doubt

that echoes over the garden wall.

Flesh of her flesh - bone of her bone.

Enticed to mistrust.

Enticed to eat.

With her I fell

and with her I

crashed into

grace.

One lesson at a time.

Learning. Applying. Realizing. Transferring. Every day that I travel this path of knowledge - I am encouraged and challenged, humbled and motivated. I love to process the abstract ideas of God that He makes concrete for you and I. In this transaction of Word to mind, heart, and body - I am blessed. Satisfied. Overflowing with zeal for more. Grateful for the women in my life that bend low to hear me and help me grasp the Truth of God, I pray this blog only ever communicates a humble heart in love with God my Father - my teacher - and you - alongside of me here -my friend.


Author/speaker, Lysa TerKeurst, whom I was blessed to meet at The Chapel's WNY BreakAway in Ellicotville, is offering a scholarship to come and learn alongside her and other women who share a passion for God's Truth - processing it with one another via the word written - spoken - and lived out. I hope to attend. God knows I have much to learn! Praying this opportunity is afforded to me. Praying I might find you there, too. Check it out!

Golden Rule

"Treat others the way you WANT to be treated."

My children learned to recite the Golden Rule at school. Unfortunately like most pearls of wisdom - this rule can easily repeated- but not so as easily followed. However, the tears shed by my little ones over the hurt inflicted on their hearts by others - are well worth the eternal value each drop holds. I take them in my lap and pray quietly for wisdom. Feeling much like Nemo's dad, Marlin - who never wanted anything to happen to Nemo - but who realized through the jaws of sharks, the jellyfish stings and the belly ride in a whale - we cannot withhold life from the ones we love - because in doing so - they would miss the beauty of the dangerous adventure we share. So, I hold the tissues and hold them, and together we learn in the pain.

Recently, my 9 year-old daughter has been coming home from school with a heavy bucket full of tears to dump when she finally gets in my arms. You know that feeling? You've held the pain all day - and then when you see mom - whooosh - out comes the ache only she can comfort. Now granted - my Kamryn girl is emotional, so I have had to weigh these tears against each issue carefully, before giving her a pillow when what she needs is a hard hat. I take time to gather information carefully before reacting - which is hard for me to do, but I am learning this skill with each drama packed moment.

There are two common factors in every tear filled situation: two mean girls. Daily they are unkind to her, and she can't understand why. We have tried some "putting hot coals of kindness on their head" tactics (Proverbs 25:21-22) - like making them jewelry, or writing friendship letters - things of the friendly nature, but still she has not won their hearts. I ache with her when she hurts, and want to make it better, but knowing just what to do to help her has been a daily prayer. And as my daughter's torment continues, my momma bear instincts battle within me.

I was mad, so mad! at children - children not my own! And in the heat of my anger, I determined to go to that school and meet the two bullies myself. However, my son woke with a fever on the day of reckoning - so my plan had to simmer. I actually had time to stew - which meant a call to my mother who asked me very wisely, "What will you do to these children?" What a question! Do to them? Why I oughta .... Made me stop and think - which is so of God to help us when we need a strong arm of love. "Be slow to speak and slow to become angry." James 1:19. I wouldn't do anything to them. I would meet my daughter for lunch to make my presence known with these little tots, talk with them, even make them laugh if I could.

I don't think my expectations of them actually had size and shape, the names Butch and Bubba came to mind - but these were faceless names in my mind since I'd never seen these 3rd grade girls. So I was somewhat shocked - and softened when I saw them. Small and lovely, one very disheveled and mismatched, one pulled tight into order from braid to buckle shoes. Seemingly powerless, and yet - these little girls were forces of much harm and power in my child's life. I wanted to love my daughter well, and God infused my heart with love for someone else's daughter. Really God?!?! Really??? The claws retracted. The enemy went away, and the victims became obvious. So, in the loud and hurried twenty minutes I got to sit at a lunch table lined with these future doctors, lawyers, teachers, business owners, and moms, I loved on each and everyone of them with my full attention. My daughter sat at my side snug under my arm as she munched on PB&J, and I engaged Bubba, Butch and all the other girls about their day, about their favorite studies, what they all like to do after school; and if my girly-girl was a good friend to to all of them, as I had surely hoped.

What a lesson for me in those moments! Love conquers. Did I see the end result of that? No. We have a history that is just beginning with these children. When I consider the conquering power of love - I am humbled in my own heart by how God was victorious in me. My faith grew in His ability to make good on His Word. He indwells me, and He will do it "I no longer call you servants, because servants do not know their master's business. Instead I have called you friends, for everything I learned from my Father I have made know to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit. Fruit that will last - and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other." (John 15:15-17) There is no way Jesus would have gone into that cafeteria and turned tables and invoked fear. He would have shown every child love. I pray they saw Him.

The golden rule is taught, - "Treat others the way you want to be treated." but seldom upheld. So what is a mom to do? I want to protect them - but that is exactly what my focus should not be. Protecting them is God's business. He's got it covered. Psalm 121! Psalm 91! I need to equip them with His Word. Psalm 119:93 "I will never forget your precepts, for by them you have preserved my life." Equip them. Equip them, God? How? The perfect question to ask before a great and faithful Teacher! I wanted my children to learn they have a God who sees them - El Roi. He taught my daughter that - but so very much more. And together we began with Him at Matthew 7:12 "So in all things, do to others as you would have them do to you..." I will never read that verse again the same way. I hope you won't either. More to come.