Good News

What a different day today is from yesterday! I have an answer to prayer, and it is one that brings clear direction and peace. Double blessing. Kaden's MRI did not show a brain tumor. He has a sinus infection and a cyst on one of his sinuses. A specialist will tell us more about the cyst at our appointment in two weeks. The blockage caused by the cyst could be the cause of his headaches or it might not. We will have to see. HOWEVER, huge EXHALE for the release of what I was prepared to embrace! The genetics packed into my son's head had me well-aware of the fragility of flesh. How I wish I could fully understand what Jesus meant when he said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life." When he said, I am the resurrection and the life," to Martha - and when John said "The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us." I want to get what that means so that I do not cling to this life in fear! I want to be infused with understanding with what it means to have eternal life NOW - cause indeed it has already begun for those of us who believe. Because with that kind of faith - what would bring fear to my heart concerning my children? concerning the people that I get to know and love and learn with? concerning myself?
Faith! I need great faith! I need faith that sees the eternal aspect of this life we have in Christ who is the only LIFE. What did I just say? Does that make sense? I wish - how I wish - this truth had visual sense in my heart and mind! One day! Oh sweet one day it will!

I remember when I was about 10 weeks pregnant with Kaden - oh great, I'm crying. Ugh. Bear with me. My husband and I came home from Vintage (then 1824 - our church college group) on a Tuesday night, and it was about 10 o'clock. I had just tucked my daughter into her little bed, and was getting ready for bed myself when I realized I was bleeding. At 10 weeks of pregnancy - that is never good. I began to cry very hard because the bleeding increased and I was cramping with it as well. "My baby is gone," was all I could think. I shook as I dialed the phone to find out from my gynecologist what I should do, or what I could do to stop this - to save my baby. "Wait until morning," she said. Can you believe that??? Wait until morning?!?!? I was hormonal and bleeding, and hoping in a life that was yet unseen - but hoped in with every ounce of my heart, my body, my mind - all of me waited for this child - since the moment I knew he was there - and she told me to wait until morning! She said the words, "not good". DNC was somewhere in there. I was lost in emotions, and I struggled not to give meaning a shot at the reality of my heartache. Please not my baby. Please not my baby. Please not my baby.

What could I do but pray? My sweet husband, so full of faith - never shed a tear while he held me. So strong! so trusting! never spoke a word of false hope or even one of stone hard truth. He let me cry and pray in his arms as we sat together on the floor beside our bed. And when I could think logically about what was going on, I asked him to go to the store for me. The blood flow was not stopping, and I was only prepared for a baby - not blood. He went, and I stayed put - by the side of my bed -so afraid to move. So perfectly waiting -as if God placed it there - my Bible was right beside me. Having no idea what to read, what to think about - my mind did not land on one verse to seek out - I just opened the book and began to read where my eyes fell. Can I tell you what I read?

"People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there. Matthew 19:13-14

I kid you not! I would not have been able to find this verse if my life depended on it. However, that night - on my knees before my God - it was there. And amazingly - I stopped crying and rocking and shaking. I did not pontificate about the layers of truth in Jesus message or cross reference and study, and try to learn all he was really saying to these people in Judea - all I did was close my eyes and say, "Okay". This baby is yours and I will entrust it to you. I recorded my thoughts in my journal that night. I would love to share with you what I wrote:

12/10/02
It is 11:43 p.m. I believe I am losing you, my baby. I am bleeding pretty heavily, and I called my doctor who said it does not sound good. Last Wednesday I was bleeding a little, but it stopped. I went and had an ultrasound and Daddy saw your precious heartbeat. We thought you would be okay. I cannot keep you inside me - no matter how much I ache to cradle you into life - God holds you now - and to Him I give all the praise - all the honor and glory.

"Trust in the Lord Forever - for in YAWH, the Lord is everlasting strength." Isaiah 26:4
"Let the little children come to me for such is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 19:14

I wrote again a week later.

12/17/02
My precious baby, I gave you to God completely, and He has graciously allowed me to keep you. I cannot bring myself to read the page before this one, because I know it is full of grief and letting go. For now your heart still beats within me, and for now that is all I need from God. He sustains you. He sustains me. Together we grow - because of Him.

Yes, God brought this all to mind in the midst of wrapping Kaden too tightly in a life I cannot possibly define correctly in my limited understanding. God holds Him. He always has. And His purposes for that tender, beating heart - for Kaden's mind -for his growing courage -are far beyond what I can imagine in baseball pants or cozy shark pajamas - and hugs that smell like a penny.

God's life for Kaden is eternal. No, I do not fully realize what that means. I wish I did. I only know that our God will hold me to that truth - always. And - yes, THAT is good news.