This house.

We bought our home in 1999. I remember the day we found it. The realtor saved this house for last. I'm sure she knew it would be the one that would grip us to buy. The master bathroom was the romancer that had me at "hello". His and her sinks - smiling sweetly at a loving distance across from one another, and a welcoming jacuzzi tub;... for me ... as a new home buyer - this was a dream.

How could we afford this house? We had agreed before we began our shopping journey that this purchase would be made based on one income - my husband's. How tempting it was to include mine - house after disappointing house. If we would include my income - oh the houses that we could have! That thought pervaded, but our commitment to what we had prayed and what we were sure was direction from God - remained.

Amazing to me now - AMAZING! No audible voice - no printed sign - or pushy well intending parent - this home ownership deal was ours - ours by our God who would lead us. One income thinking was for one purpose only - that I would remain home if I would so choose when we began a family. Can I even just tell you - at this juncture in our growth in Christ - I was not going to Scripture daily, nor was my husband. Can I even just tell you - I could not have brought to mind one verse that told me to seek God's will above my own - to be a worker at home - to consider the needs of my household - above my own...not one verse - only a strong impressed sense in both of our hearts - that to purchase our home on one income was the wise thing to do - despite what we wanted and could own with two.

And can I even just tell you - I AM A MATERIALISTIC PERSON! I am! I constantly have to surrender my wants and desires to my God! And at this juncture - that I would submit to a one income kind of home - BLOWS MY ARROGANT MIND! I would have wanted to impress! I would have wanted to toot my - "I made it through the rain" - horn! Because at this point in my life - I had been divorced - I had shared a dank apartment with a mouse - and I had lost the respect of many people in my life because of my poor decisions. So to be able to shine through my new teacher income and my husband's income in the image of a "HOUSE upon a hill" kinda home - that would have been the longing of my heart. "Look EVERYBODY - I made it!!!" Do you know what I mean? Sad, and ridiculously true.

But - BUT - BUT!!! the grace of God! the help of God continued to cover me - and cover the sweet man who married the risky choice of this gal. Grace covered us both, and God impressed gently, and yet so powerfully, on our hearts to buy our home with one paycheck comin' in the door. I love our God! He made it happen. God alone.

So, this morning I sat in our family room - and because of festivities happening in our house today with friends and our children - and the joy all that brings - I thanked God for our house - for this life I get to live within its walls. And then - as only God can do - he brought to my mind the image of another house - of another life - I once loved, and wanted, and prayed for.

Once upon a time, I loved a house in Akron. It was a beautiful little ranch. Built before my eyes - and not without the help of my own hands in tiny tasks - like picking up stones, scraps from the yard, and garbage that building can bring. I wanted this house, but it was not mine. It was built and belonged to my boyfriend. It was his dream - and he made it happen. Swept up in awe of him, I clung to his strength - to his dream - and the hope that he would wrap me up and carry me into this picture of security.

He did. He asked me be his wife despite the caveat shouting to both of our hearts. He was wrong for me in so many ways - and I for him in equal - or maybe even greater - measure. We did not live for God independently - nor did we live for God in our relationship. A marriage built on sand will fall as surely as the rains will come. And fall it did. The fairytale crumbled around me - and the house I lived in with him could not hold it together.

I am not one to give much weight to dreams, but at times they do reveal our inner struggles - don't they? One night, after crying myself to sleep knowing the divorce date was upon us, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was standing in the kitchen of my Akron house. It was burning - all of it - engulfed in flames - all around me. I stood there - trapped - locked in by the flames and consumed with grief. This house was being destroyed. And then - through the fiery red door - came a man whose face I could not see - but a tall, strong image of a man. He wrapped me up in his arms - and we began to dance. He twirled me - made me smile - and covered me with a sense of safety and joy - almost instantly. I did not see the house - the flames - only him. Through every room on out of the house we danced. Onto the plush, green lawn he twirled me loose - out of his arms - so that I spun around to see the house as it stood complete - but in flames - with me on the outside looking in. I was free.

I woke up. I woke up hugely impacted by the dream. I played it over and over and over in my mind. I would never forget it, but I tucked it away over the years - until several Sunday mornings ago...God unpacked it for me again - so that I could see it play more vividly now then ever before.

Jenna Cowart was leading worship this one morning. Before she began to sing, she asked us to close our eyes, and ask God to speak to us. She asked us to focus on Him, and just allow God to wash over our hearts - our minds - before we worship. I did as she asked - prayerful - still - seeking God. Then the song and the balladeer began. "Our God is an all-consuming fire - a burning holy flame - with glory and freedom. Our God is the only righteous judge ruling over us, with kindness and wisdom. We will keep our eyes on you. Yes we will keep our eyes on you. A mighty fortress is our God. A sacred refuge is your name. Your Kingdom is unshakable. With you forever we will reign. Our God is jealous for His own. None can comprehend his love and his mercy."

And I knew. I knew then, in that moment, what I was reminded of this morning when I began to thank God for this house. The mighty fortress is our God. To cling to anyone or anything else - to give thanks for what I have and where I am - is our God.

"Those who cling to worthless idols sacrifice God's love for them. But I - with shouts of grateful praise - I will sacrifice to you." Jonah 2:8-9