flight.

"I know whom I have believed." 2 Timothy 1:12

Those who know me well know the sad truth that I do not like air travel. It is an exercise of faith every time I step onto an airplane. For me the entire flight is spent in prayer begging God for my life and fighting the imaginations that feed my fat, insatiable fear.

I hate that I have any fear. I hate that I am so very skilled at feeding fear. Shoveling detailed images from my mind into the gaping mouth of fear physically hurts. And fear most definitely does not reveal the Spirit of God that I believe indwells me. Fear reveals the pitiful shell of me.

In my younger years I traveled by airplane with much excitement! Loved the adventure! Couldn't wait to board the plane and feel it lifting off. Ireland, England, Florida,Tennessee, Las Vegas, Mexico, North Carolina, Australia for crying out loud!!! - wherever! I loved to travel! How then was my fear birthed? One flight. That was all it took. On one flight into Buffalo the plane I was on had trouble with the landing gear. After several loud attempts the landing gear had not come down, and so the emergency lighting inside the plane went on. Panic consumed me. I literally felt overcome with fear. Just breathing took effort. I cried in quiet, sleeve stifled hysterics while the man beside me, whose hand I grabbed without permission - assured me the aircraft would land despite the difficulty. We did land, but I would never fly again without a new fear, a grotesque and hungry monster that lives to coil around my gut at any moment in the cold, stale, pressingly small, tight, inescapable carcass of a plane.

Have I stopped flying? Of course not! Because then, in my warped mind, what I fear will become real! Right? Then it's as if I have confirmed for all of life - my life - my husband and children with me - for my family and friends - that death for me and for those I love is going to be by plane. Ludicrous. My grandmother had a fear of traveling far from home. Just that: fear of leaving home. She died in a chair in a very safe nursing home at 86. One breath - and she was gone. Fear that was life confining and fear that was totally unfounded. I consider this carefully, I assure you - and by her story I assure myself.

My pastor once asked me, "Does God need a plane to kill you?" Hard question to ponder - the reality that one day God will in fact take life from me. The answer however is simple: no. Our every heart beat - our every breath- is a gift that can and will be taken from us - by the will of God. That I can control what that end of life as I now know it will look like and feel like is plain stupid - arrogant, sure - but more than that - stupid. So I fly. I fly and suppress the fear monster with every bit of faith I have been given to employ.

We traveled to Dallas, Texas on 9/10 - yes, I was well aware this was the day before the anniversary of 9/11 - and did indeed contemplate how terrorists may like to do a countdown type of strategy with the U.S. to our final destruction - one plane and national site at a time - you know...9/11 -9/10-9/9 - a countdown with the dates...I know - I'm pathetic - I tell you - PATHETIC! But anyway we were on this flight from Buffalo to Newark on to Dallas to visit family. My children were so excited for - absolutely - the plane ride. To see their thrill of stepping on board the aircraft - while touching the side of the plane that would rise high above the earth and cut through clouds - was beautiful. To see the excitement on their faces as we peered down at the earth below and looked out at billowy skies - was beautiful. I longed for childlike faith. LOOOONGGGEEED for it! Beautiful, peaceful faith that does not look for harm, but looks for wonder and amazement. Who gets that but children?!?!

They contemplated the sherbet dripping heavens at sunset while I contemplated all the tragedies God has allowed in this world. Their bowl of perspective was so much more enjoyable - but I could not bring myself to taste from it.

From the devastation of the world to the persecution of His saints, from the sinking of the Titanic to the attacks on 9/11. "God," I prayed, "you allow so many horrible tragedies. Why should I think you would not allow me or my children to experience horror? I refuse not to be ready for it, God. Tragedy for me - for us is possible. Right now. I'm ready." God was silent. One verse kept going through my mind as I watched the sunset from the window of my self inflicted tomb. "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament shows His handwork."

"This is not helping, " I prayed. "I know you made the heavens. I know they are miraculous. I also know that well-intended, brave astronauts have slipped the surly bounds of earth to touch the face of God. "So, I still do not want to be this high - or higher still. "I'm not dong well with the heavens declaring the glory of God, Lord, " I prayed. The verse repeated as if to tell me my feelings did not concern truth.

I held a book in my sweaty hands, Faith Beyond Reason by A. W. Tozer. I had opened it, and tried to read it, to learn something that I could tool with through this flight - but I could only read the title again, and again, and again. Faith Beyond Reason.

"God, " I prayed again, "you allow so many tragedies. Why should I think you would not allow me or my children to experience horror?" Faith Beyond Reason. Faith Beyond Reason. Faith Beyond Reason. I read over and over and over, as images from Life is Beautiful the story of the holocaust, http://www.zuguide.com/#Life-is-Beautiful played before my tear filled eyes. "God, your people have always suffered. Why should I believe that you would not allow me or my children to experience horror?"

Now, let me be clear here - I do not believe that I have ever heard the audible voice of God - but I know as sure as I know that someone somewhere is reading this blog (and for that I thank you!) I know that I received at this point in my banter of shallow inaudible thinking - I received an answer that I could not have given myself. It was simply and unforgettably this: "Faith is not based on what I have done. Faith is not based on what I will do. Faith is based on who I am." So upon this thought - I now had nothing to say. Because to argue this truth was pointless. "You are God," I prayed. "You are in heaven, and I am on earth. You are my God." I continued for just a few moments more to stare at the book I held. Faith Beyond Reason. Then I closed my eyes and went to sleep on a plane for the very first time in a very long time.

What is most amusing to me, and why I write this entry today, is that had I actually opened the book I held in my lap and focused my thoughts I would have read then - what I read this morning - and what God was so gracious to teach me in spite of myself. Tozer writes:

"How can we get over the idea that God exists just to help run their businesses or fly their airplanes? God is not a railway porter who carries your suitcase and serves you. God is God. He made heaven and earth. He holds the world in His hand. He measures the dust of the earth in the balance. He spreads out the sky like a mantle. He is the Great God Almighty. He is not your servant. He is your Father, and you are His child. He sits in heaven, and you are on the earth...You cannot come to God with bargaining and with promises. But if you will throw yourself recklessly upon God, trust His character, trust the merits of His Son, you will have the petition you have asked of Him. You can have this confidence in God, and you can have this respect for His will. Do not expect God to perform miracles for you so you can write books about them. Do not ever be caught asking God to send you toys like that to play around with. But if you are in trouble and concerned about your situation and willing to be honest with God, you can have confidence in Him. You can go to Him in the merit of His Son, claiming His promises, and He will not let you down. God will help you, and you will find the way of deliverance. God will move heaven and earth for you if you will trust Him."

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him." Psalm 34:8