feast.

Today I celebrate the victories of yesterday, and begin a new day to rise above the challenges I have yet to conquer. Objectives for today are not set according to errors past - BUT - according to the victorious Living Word of God - Christ. By Him - and and for Him alone I am more than a conqueror.

My freshman year of college I EMBRACED an eating disorder. I define eating disorder this way: food is my god. Food became for me the sedative that I needed in times of stress. My worship of food fleshed out in a daily hunt for Reese's peanut butter cups and Sunkist soda. I bowed down to bagels with cream cheese for security - something to hold on to - in large classes of Freshman students. Hamburgers and french fries, buttered popcorn, pasta and bread, and my favorite - vanilla milkshakes brought me to my knees time and again and soothed my longings for home. Food became the focus when I should have been seeking Jesus - the Bread of Life. Why didn't I seek Him? When I think about it now, - and consider the way I lived out my days and nights - I had no idea what seeking God to live my life with me would look and feel like at 18- not in sorrow - not in joy. I knew what it meant to live in the realm of religious followers - you know - church, mission trips, and knowing the rules to follow according to the Bible - I had that down. But my heart was far from God. Jesus saved me from hell; that I processed easily - and could profess without hesitation - YET I spoke without realizing THE saving included the hell of my own destructive choices. I am grateful that God is a daddy - who let me walk through harsh consequences to open my eyes to see I could live differently. I could feast on life in Him - instead of starving trying to find life in me.

My hidden eating disorder became more difficult to camouflage. All those worship ceremonies were becoming evident as the temple of me was getting much bigger. My dad called me on it - lovingly but boldly. "Honey, you have changed." He laughed and hugged me. "What tastes so good?" It wasn't funny to me then. His words cut, but they made me look in the mirror. Did something really taste so good? When I thought about it, nothing tasted good enough to make me want to look fat. How did I not realize that my weight had changed? I was 15 pounds overweight that semester, and I was desperate to lose it, but how? I had zero discipline, as evidenced by my lifestyle. Spiritual habits, study habits, sleeping habits, relationship habits all followed the same mantra: "I'll do what I feel like." So, how could I possibly lose weight, when I felt like eating to match my circumstances?

Why I think I can avoid responsibility for my actions - (like I can beat the system) - is plain and simple - pride. God's word is true. "As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart." Proverbs 27:19 whispered to me then - and still speaks to me daily. Truth cannot be beaten or manipulated. It simply is. But I tried to manipulate it anyway, and so to combat my lack of self-control I decided to try a little trick a friend of mine showed me when I was twelve. If I stuck my fingers down my throat I could make myself gag and vomit up the evidence of my source of help. This new trick redefined my worship completely. My eating was then focused on a time I could get away to vomit - or be alone to eat and vomit. Socially, this was a pain in the neck. I would be red eyed, my throat would hurt, and my voice was scratchy. PEOPLE WOULD KNOW. Why is that always the concern? What about God? Sure. God knows, but he won't make fun of me. He'll forgive me. Right? He gets me. I persisted, and I got better at it. I mastered it so well that I could simply drink a lot after the eating ritual and then vomit without my fingers on the trigger. But still, socially - this was lonely. I wanted to find a better way. I remembered another trick I had learned from the same friend. Laxatives could be the social butterfly's best friend, if you were willing to suffer briefly with that little pink pill's effects every eight hours or so. To have my food help - and to stay thin - absolutely I would. And so - for 8 years - 8. 8. 8. Oh my heart - 8 years I subjected my body to this torture of eating and forcibly eliminating my source of help. This ritual consumed me and was destroying me - (as I would only find out how very internally much - YEARS later), and yet I clung to it for life as I defined how life should be. "There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 14:12. How true this is in all my ways apart from God!

Why didn't I seek God? Why didn't I know I had a Savior for this hell? I was too ashamed to go to Him. He is pure. Holy. I knew my habits were wrong. I didn't know exactly why - like verse and chapter, commandment - but I knew - I had learned as a child - my body was a temple of the Holy Spirit - and I knew I was not treating it as such. Would God really indwell the mess of me? I thought - literally this is my manipulative way of thinking -that God stepped away for awhile because of my vile acts, and maybe I would stop and invite Him back or "rededicate" my body to Him when I was ready. I thought many wrong and prideful thoughts - didn't I?

How desperate I was for God's Word to wash over my thinking! God's Word - Jesus - is faithful.

As stubborn as I am, I know if I would have heard someone preach to me about the body being the temple of God (I Corinthians 6:19-20) I would have not only been ticked off, but I would have rebelled even harder in my self worship. Seriously! I hated the judgement of others! HATED IT! RAN FROM IT! So, any well-meaning girlfriend would have had my venomous wrath up one side her little holy self and down the other. But I wonder, what would I have done if she would have invited me into her life, loved me, showed me what it looked like to seek God and love Him, live for Him, go through heartache and joy with Him...what if someone would have loved me like God loves me - showing me what it looked like physically to let go of what I held precious to realize and walk in the treasure He has to offer me? NO ONE CAME. No one. I do not blame. I do not hold bitterness. I trust in the God who sees me - who could have brought anyone into my life at that time to learn from and be loved by. And because no one did - this is my heart - my passion - my focus. I was allowed to be in the desert so that I might experience the living water of Jesus at the well He stood by with me - and that HE allowed me to be at that well all alone so that I would go from it - changed by Him - and with a mission to seek out the ones I can love and walk alongside and direct to His lasting, satisfying help - that cannot be matched - cannot be manipulated. This is now my worship. (John 4 - the woman at the well. "They said to the woman, 'We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.'" vs. 42)

Oh my God! You are too good for anyone to realize you! You are the bread of life, and daily you teach me what that looks like, tastes like - and I will never return to the idols your love for me destroyed. I am saved. I am saved. I am saved. THIS FEAST - is like none I have ever known. My STRENGTH - MY HELP is not eliminated from me - it remains in me. I pray, I pray, I pray, I wear it - and bring glory to the only God who deserves my worship.

His forgiveness is complete. His strength is made perfect in weakness. He gives me each day my daily bread, and I am grateful to be dependent on Him for the hunger and satisfaction that is found in Jesus the Christ of God. This gospel I cling to, and hope in, and rely on daily. I had to tell you - to interrupt you with my story - because if you are hungry, I am with you! and you are not alone!

"I am the bread of life. Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, yet they died. But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which people may eat and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats of this bread will live forever. this bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world." John 6:48-51

Oh it is my hope when you see me, you see the fruit of the God I worship and you ask me, "WHAT TASTES SO GOOD?"