Diary entry from 10.15.94

October 15, 1994

If I were going to write a book about this...first of all - who would read it? But - nonetheless - if I were going to pen it for me - or anyone interested in the twisted workings of my youth - I would have to start out by saying: All three of them were bar tenders. Seemed kind of funny since I never really did know how to handle myself at a bar. Is that funny - or ironic - or just plain sad?

Every time the trap is set I walk right in. I know the way it works; I've been in it before - tasted the bait - allowed myself to be poisoned by it, allowed a part of me to die in it. Then I've struggled to be free of it and once I actually was free ...SNAP - there I was again. I cannot reveal their names - for they are innocent. I am not their accuser. I am not their victim - I am one that gave them permission. I am amazed how easily I am snared. It's as if I am being hunted - and I know it - and I like it! My hunter knows me - and this is the best part. He knows my weaknesses - how to keep me in the darkness barely alive. I'm there.

It's so funny to me. Yet I cannot laugh. I have no laughter here.

My God - is this a hunt? Do you see me? Are you with me? Is it you? So predictable are my own moves that my hunter knows where to place a trap and what kind of bait to use. How can I survive?

There is a part of me that longs for a part of him. Never the whole - just a part. Promises - promises all of the promises. I never did get to jet ski again. To me that was his greatest gift. the feeling of riding on top of the water, overcoming my fear, the warmth of the sun on my face, him riding way ahead of me - showing me the way. I looked towards the tiny shoreline and wished I could see my father standing there. "Look at me, Daddy. I can be happy again. I still feel life. There is life again."

My God, he gave me a memory and I will cherish him always for that - that and the many others that littered our three year relationship.

Remember the one who told me I was adorable. How long has it been since someone has said that I was adorable, Daddy? If I could hear those words again. He said it like a script. My, my, my, the hunter knows me well. I'm on to you... aren't I? It's taken me a couple turns, but I think I'm on to you now.