and God bless my husband.

Jabez. Cool sounding name, huh? I like it...however the meaning is a little harsh. Jabez, is a Biblical character recorded in I Chronicles. His mother had a hard time giving birth to him and named him Jabez out of that pain and anguish. Like what mother doesn't have pain in childbirth - to some degree anyway - right? Jabez must have been a whopper of a struggle. 

Jabez prayed to God - hard! The Bible says, "Jabez cried out to the God of Israel.." There's some effort in that prayer, right? He's crying out to God and he says, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm (evil) so that I will be free from pain"

He did not want the meaning of his name to reflect his life. Jabez did not want to cause pain as he had in his birth. Oh I love his heart! I can just see his face the day he realized what his name meant - and understood how a name in that culture reflected who you were. Hard name to bear. BUT! Jabez knew WHO would determine the course of his life - despite his name. He knew WHO could illuminate evil in his path for his sake - and for the sake of those he loved. I LOVE THIS HEART! He's begging, "GOD! Please do not let me be what I am capable of!" Right?

Ouch. I get that. I get that to the point where I feel a pinch in my heart for the destruction I have caused in my path - and for what I know I am still - STILL - yep...even right now STILL!!! capable of destroying...even with one small strike of a letter on a keyboard...

So, I get very excited when I read the last part of this passage. Check out the happy ending of the Jabez story in verse 10. 

"AND GOD granted his request." 

WHAT ON EARTH!?!?! 

How amazing to me! That God heard the heart cry of Jabez, and not only turned his ear to him, but gave him what he cried for. 

Jabez!!!! Get out! If I could hug you! Oh I so would!

Did he know it then? Or did he just have to hold out hope and trust that God would grant what he begged for? Because Jabez didn't write the book of Chronicles, right. Hold on... Who did? Got it! Ezra or possibly Nehemiah wrote the book of Chronicles. So the life of Jabez, as member of the tribe of Judah (our Savior's physical ancestry -  you know..., Jesus - Lion of Judah) - the life of Jabez was watched and recorded so that WE would know his story, his request to God - and that God answered this request. 

I'm thinkin' Jabez had to just actively trust and watch his life unfold in the hand of God.

What does that have to do with us? 

Well - we can pray that prayer! There is a book written by Dr. Bruce Wilkinson: The Prayer of Jabez. He writes how this prayer can change our lives. Now - I'm not all about praying some mantra and "BAM!" we get it. I am all for praying and meditating on God's Word. I believe God answers prayer. I believe as His children we are desperate for Him to change our circumstances, and I believe as we read His Word and wrap the truth of it around our lives, we can't help but beg Him to accomplish HIS WORD in us - and through us. 

So - whether it is the prayer of Jabez that we read and are led to pray, and focus (MEDITATE) on, and act on in faith,  - IT is good, and it is powerful, and God will accomplish it. Or whether it is another passage that we are led to pray, and meditate on, and also act on in faith - it is good, and powerful, and I believe God will accomplish it.

I was led to pray the prayer of Jabez for a year. I do not have a story of great territories being gained or  treasures acquired - at least of this world. I can tell you this, I learned a great deal about the pain I am capable of causing, and that God - BY HIS SPIRIT in ME - has kept me from evil.  And THAT right there - if you know me at all - is amazing. amazing. amazing. My sin potential is huge, and my Father in Heaven alerted me to it time and again in the most gracious, loving, strong, and protective way - time and time again. And in the midst of that training he strengthened my defenses - and grew my love for His Word. 

One example and I will let you go - is that okay? I'll be brief!... I was praying this prayer - that Jabez prayed - in the quiet of my family room one morning. And being very still as I prayed it...slowly - thoughtfully - letting God work through each sentence with me. I thought to myself as I talked with God..."But I don't want to pray this just for me, Lord. I want to pray this for my husband, too. So - God bless my husband. Oh that you would bless Him indeed!" I cried out to God.

I sat there for a moment, letting that prayer wash over me - and thinking about what that would look like. In the stillness God made me realize this" "I have blessed your husband. Do not rob from Him what I have already given." 

WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? come again on that thought. You have blessed my husband and I - ME? seriously? ME??? - I have robbed from him? Silence. NO WAY. Erase this thought. CAN'T BE TRUE!

I sat in silence and then tears began to flow as I realized how I am intended to be a blessing to my husband from God - to be his help mate.  I can rob him of God's blessing in me - constantly... with my words, my attitude, my moods, day after day of effortless, complacent love. 

NO. Please! NO! I saw this ugly truth so clearly, and as much as I wanted to look away I couldn't. This moment was a mirror that did not move from my eyes. I only saw more and deeper into it. 

God has blessed my husband in his work. How do I rob from him? Do I consider every penny of his toil and efforts, or do I TAKE what is from GOD into my own hands and spend it without thought? without careful consideration that this money is God's blessing on his work - and it is not mine alone to claim, feel entitled to, or be careless with no matter what I think I need or deserve. Tears. Just cleansing tears as I looked at the robbery that I have been guilty of.  

What a moment with my Heavenly Father! What a moment with my husband's Heavenly Father!

I am grateful God does not leave us in our guilt. Ever. AND .... He does not bring us to a place of realizing guilt without our first seeking Him. It wasn't like he dragged me like a puppy to my puddle and said, "WHAT DID YOU DO, Laura Lewis? What did you do?" God is not LIKE THAT. 

He is love and grace that wraps around us in the learning, and He knows our heart, and the power of His truth is all that is needed in a lesson. No angry face. No harsh words. I was being corrected, lovingly.

I needed this moment of guilt with my God, so that He could make me more aware of the grace and love He has shown me and longed for me to see in every moment that I acted so thoughtlessly toward my husband. I have robbed my husband. I am so sorry. And while I begged for God to bless him in my prayers, God allowed me act so selfishly. And He has patiently waited for me to realize that my husband is blessed - what am I going to do with this blessing from our God???

I prayed: "Let your hand be with me, and keep me from evil so that I will be free from pain."

I thought about this in a new way. Love protects. God will protect me from evil, so that I will protect my husband from the evil I am so capable of.

With my Bible still open in my lap, I looked to the last part of the verse

"And God granted his request."

God bless our husbands.

Healing

Are you well acquainted with sickness? Does it pervade over the lives of your friends and family, too? Have you continually begged God for healing for you or for someone you love - while you wait in sterile silence by a bedside where healing does not come? Sounds like I'm about to sell you something - right? Ha! I'm not! I'm asking you, because I want you to know - first of all where I'm heading with this blog and also - to let you know you're not alone! I have been begging God for healing, too! maybe not in the same way you have - with the same situation; the details of our stories could not possibly align exactly - nor the outcome. But even so - I hope to encourage you with truth that God reveals about who He is as our healer.

My brother has had diabetes since he was ten years old. The race for a cure has been in our vernacular since 1980. I had grown accustomed to my brother's silent fight. With the invention of the insulin pump, diabetes is hushed more than it used to be in the past with syringe needles and vials of insulin glaring at us as my brother would prepare his shots. However, despite the change in treatment that has stifled, somewhat comforted, the cry of many diabetics - the volume of this disease was turned up for all of us in 2008. At 11 years of age my niece was diagnosed with diabetes. She braved this diagnosis with her mom at her side at a hospital in Germany. My brother, her dad, was serving our country in Iraq at the time; his wife and three children stationed in Manheim, Germany during the tour. My brother was given a brief leave to come and see his little girl and wife at the hospital, a mental and physical time-out from the war on terrorism - only to try to understand and manipulate tactics of what life with a new enemy - diabetes - would look like - at war within his child.


Then this past March, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have always been told that breast cancer would eventually touch all of us - not just by association - or by friendship - but the touch of cancer would be the grip of a family member who would cling to us for help and strength and love... I couldn't imagine that... until now. Now - for me - I cannot see a pink ribbon without seeing our Debbie. Today she is very sick with chemo-therapy. What can we do for her? What would God have us do? Does He see her right. now?

I could go on. Illness in our family does not stop there. My step brother's son - my step sister's sons, close friends and their spouses, children - the disease battle is on going. It is blood deep, thick and heavy; it is personal, and it is relentless. I could pray the names of those I love who are sick - for hours.

I want healing to come to my family - and to my friends, and my daughter is a reminder to me to pray for them daily. Kamryn has been diagnosed with chronic urticaria. This cannot compare with anyone else's battle - I would not begin to compare...My daughter's illness is merely a reminder of those I love who also long for healing. That precious - daily - reminder is, in itself, a beautiful gift. SHE reminds me of THEM. As I long for her to be healed, I long for their healing. Her discomfort makes me realize theirs. Her fight causes me to pray for their strength. Her moments of peace and comfort causes me to pray for their comfort and realization of God in the midst of disease.

Jenna, my diabetic niece, is the one on my mind - in particular - today. As I see her - I have hope for everyone else. Kamryn. Debbie. All of them. Jenna's hope - in God in the midst of diabetes has been and continues to be - beautiful. And God's blessing in the midst of this disease is most evident. From a distance, and at times up close, when we have been able to visit with my soldier family, and I have been able to witness how Jenna embraced the challenges of diabetes with her own two little hands - AND - chose to fight diabetes to conquer it.

Jenna's diet and insulin balance became a matter of her personal studies. She could have let her mom continue to do the work for her - but she didn't. Jenna took diabetes on for herself - because SHE wanted to master it for herself. What child does that? Can you imagine her mom's wonder and pride as she watched her YOUNG daughter take on so much responsibility and self-discipline? Can you just see her daddy wonder in amazement at his baby's GIGANTIC inner drive and fortitude?

This child not only mastered nutrition and diet, but between the ages of 12 and 13, she mastered her insulin levels to eliminate her constant need for insulin injections. She hates shots - and so while the shot-hate motivated her - so too did her God given drive to be healthy. God gave her new desires for her heart. Self-discipline took ROOT in her mind, and determination gripped her spirit. This concoction of champions changed not only her way of thinking, and eating, and lifestyle - it changed her dreams. Now a runner girl, and motivational health nut, Jenna wants to study to be a nutritionist when she graduates from college one day, so she can help others embrace a healthy life. Laser light focus - directed out of chaos. To God be the glory in my niece's heart and mind and body - purposed by God - to bring Him glory. She takes no credit for herself either - but only says - "It is because of prayer alone." WHAT IS THAT but miraculous!?!? ALL GOD! God in a little girl who loves and trust HIM.

It was through this view of my niece that I looked to my own little lamb. Could our Kamryn somehow be given this God-given gift to grip her diagnosis? Could there be someway, somehow, that diet and self-discipline could eliminate her need for the drugs that dominate her life - every . single day??? ... I have talked to God so much about this...so very much. Doctor after doctor, and yes - those that prescribe drugs and those that vitamin and diet analyze - to no avail! One morning a few weeks ago I woke up out of a sound sleep...sat straight up and thought - stop giving her milk. The milk is hurting her. Milk in anything...

And so - trying to sound sane - I told my husband that this is my new thinking, and I was going to trust God with it. How trusting was my child, when I told her that I believed this idea was from God, and that we were just going to follow Him with it, until He would direct us otherwise. "God is my dreaming". You probably think I am crazy. If you do - you're right. HOW INCREDULOUS for me to trust in God! a physician who speaks without a voice to me in sleep - who impressed direction to me without a burning bush or angelic being. To trust God without hesitation...ME?!?! Ha! This is plain nuts and is miraculous to me as well.

I went on a very intense ingredient hunt - and ANYTHING with milk - I removed from her diet. ANYTHING! You know how many things have milk? Within two days - no Zyrtec and no more itchy, watery eyes. Day three she hived. There's more, I thought. What else is an allergen? I studied my face off. Wheat, gluten and eggs are high on the list. All of them we have removed from her diet. Can I tell you - that in the midst of this - my Bible study group at church asked me if the seven of us could pray for Kamryn together...we did. Just before Easter they prayed with me. Powerfully! I wish you could have heard them cry out to God for help for my girl. BEAUTIFUL PRAYERS of women who believe in God! Can I even tell you!?!!> Kamryn did not hive for a week...until she ate wheat and gluten in pretzels by mistake. The hives came - and even so - I was still excited! We have found it! Milk, gluten, wheat - and perhaps eggs. She went for seven days without any allergy symptoms! I am freaking out! This has not happened in this little girl's life since she was 2 1/2! All these years battling allergy symptoms - lethargy, depression, itching - weepy, itchy eyes! AND NOW!!! yes! now!!! She is free! (I wish you could have heard the prayers of praise from my Bible study group! They clapped in prayer! Are you in a Bible study group? JOIN MINE!!! Oh so good to do life with women who love Jesus with you!!!)

So - now it's game on at the grocery store and in my kitchen as I feed this child in a whole new way - I could care less about the diet challenges ahead of us...my baby is drug free...and our prayers for healing - have been answered well beyond what I could have hoped or imagined... What do I mean by that?

I get that her body is not resilient to the allergen. That was my hope. But THIS - this challenge that my daughter is now undertaking - is doing in her, what diabetes has done in her cousin. AND glory to God that my daughter can look up to her cousin who, at the same age Kamryn is now, - 11 - had to completely change her diet to live a new and BETTER way! Kamryn is learning what I could have never taught her with words, or even examples of people she knows and loves, ... She - my hands-on little learner - is embracing the beauty of self-discipline with her own heart - her own mind - her own hands...and THIS for her will continue to change everything in her life. How beautiful as a momma - to see my baby discipline herself in ways I would have never thought possible. What a blessing to her athlete daddy to see his baby in the training of her life...a new heart - a new mind - a new body - a new focus...

My prayers for healing for those I love - who continue to battle disease - have been revamped. I no longer pray wondering if God hears me. I no longer pray out of an impatient, aching heart. I pray with the knowledge that our God is at work, and He has a plan - and I can wait EXPECTANTLY in the midst of disease for the evidence of His work to become clear to me. I have misunderstood my God - our healer - for so long. He is at work in His people CONSTANTLY- racing for the cure - that is not just our body - but is our eternal soul. What a God!

"And WE KNOW!!! all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

There is no such thing as sterile silence when we pray. We - who know and love God - pray on HOLY! FERTILE ground! (yes, I'm -a-shoutin'!) with expectation that GOD IS! We can KNOW He is not stymied by disease but is ABLE to accomplish beyond what we can ask or imagine for our good - and for His glory. He is OUR God. MIGHTY. Everlasting. HEALER!

Expectation Drug

"Expect nothing. Surrender everything." - Wes Aarum says this. He's the college pastor at Vintage at The Chapel at CrossPoint, and he's been a part of my life since I was 10. Crazy that I have been able to learn truth from this man for over 20 years, and it's still rockin' my boat!

I've been following hard after Christ for 14 years now. Following hard and stumbling forward - daily. The lessons that Jesus teaches me in my study time with Him are powerful and they pervade my life; from the teachings at my church on Sunday, the Bible study I teach on Tuesday mornings, the teachings at Vintage on Tuesday - with my small group twice a month on Wednesday, the radio teachings I tune in to - , the worship music I get to hear and to sing all day long; the missions trip I just went on this past March...so many teaching moments where my God speaks into my life! And in all of them, Jesus, our teacher, has focused the lessons of my life, carefully scaffolding each step so that they can be repeated, and reiterated, and articulated in so many forms, and voices, and pictures, and application pieces - so that this dumb sheep of a learner will not miss it...But I do. I still do. Patient! Patient God! who loves relentlessly in His patient teaching.

My mom asked me early in the New Year - to ask God to give me one lesson to learn this year - specifically ask Him for just ONE WORD to teach me a TRUTH for life - and then BELIEVE He will do it. She told me this is what she had done - and that God had given her a word; so plain - and simple - and clear before her eyes - she was astounded - and completely ready to learn it.

Sounded great, right? Crazy - but great - and intriguing enough that I wanted this craziness for myself, but I figured - this is for her! She has been given something from God, and that doesn't mean it's for me, too. Words are important to her after her stroke. She craves to know them - understand them - master them...that's why asking God for ONE Word is important to her. So -this couldn't be for me... But yet - my heart ached for what she was telling me. A pinpoint lesson from God - that He would make me well aware of - a theme that He would weave in and out of my days... What could be more intimate with our God? (are you intrigued, too??? I hope so!) So - I prayed for it. I prayed for it - hoping I would hear or see or know the Word when it came. AND so it did. Not once - but day after day after day. I read it. I heard it. People said it to me. I would read it again. It would be in a book, in a verse, in a title or an article, in a song...I could not miss this word if I tried.

JOY.

Really, Lord? Really? But I am so happy! Why is my word - my lesson JOY? And is this you? Or is this me hoping it's you? If the lesson should be JOY -...God would truly have to open my eyes and ears and heart to realize it... Do I really not understand Joy? ummm - yeah.

I could write a book on how I have missed it - and how God has made JOY clear to me in so many circumstances...I don't want to lose you here though. This blog would get booky. So, I'll keep it brief. Each story and each circumstance that I would want to share with you has one poison that pervaded my perception of life in the moment - one JOY robber that I have let dominate my thinking - my relationships - my life on this planet - and Jesus has painted it VIVID before my heart - my mind - my eyes ... EXPECTATION.

To live in expectation of ANYTHING other than - ready for this??? --- the Spirit of the Living God - is to our Joy's demise. Why am I telling you? I mean it's my lesson, right? Indeed! Well, first of all I'm telling you because - I can't keep the truth of God to myself - cuz it is just too good! And second of all - could I really be so alone in this view? Might you, my friend, be suckin' on this poison too - and so immune to it now you don't realize it either? I don't want poinson for you - for my kids - my husband - for me...any more. So - I HAVE to tell you! I want JOY FOR YOU! And also, when I tell you - and the people in my life - I get the accountability that helps me stay far from my addiction. TRULY living according to my expectations for life is absolutely an addiction.

Living in expectation of what a day, a person, a plan, an effort should be like - can cause so much disappointment, can't it? I mean think about it... You plan a great vacation, and everybody gets sick. HUGE blow to the heart! Did your plans for marriage and career go the way you saw them on graduation day? Funny how all those pictures and ideas and the songs and poems we adored that matched our planned out moments just don't match what is true life... One divorce in my past and now a stay at home mom - I would have never written this as my story at 18. I had much different plans. MUCH different.

Or how 'bout when you plan a romantic dinner with candlelight and your favorite LBD, with Sinatra playing softly, and then your husband walks in the door from work turns on the lights and says he doesn't feel well. HEARTACHE! And what about your precious cherubs? Did we or did we not have an idea about what we as mothers would look like and how our babies would be? The picture cannot compare to reality - not one little bit. And blow - by heart blow - I have had to stare into a canyon of despair, the canyon that spans my expectation for how they should behave and how life should be with my children - and what is in truth the reality of who we are and what each day holds.

So where is joy? Right? Can you see the picture of where we stand that is our reality - the VAST CANYON that is before us - and expectation on the other side? With our seemingly innocent and lovely expectations we dig a dark, deep canyon and joy is lost in depths. Were we wrong to want good things? Are we wrong to hope in something beautiful and wonderful for life? IS it always going to be like this? You know what - I still can't answer those questions. And I don't really think they matter - because that way of thinking isn't the point. The point is the canyon of separation. The question we should be asking is WHAT DO WE FILL THE CANYON WITH?

When things don't go our way - how do we respond? How are we linking where we stand to what we wanted? Personally, I have yelled, cried, exploded, been depressed, disenchanted, disengaged, withdrawn and just plain ugly. I have filled the gap with wrong behavior toward God - and wrong behavior toward others. I have medicated myself with shopping, and food, and even cleaning ( i know- weird) to make myself feel better about circumstances I could not control.
Please forgive me!

What I am learning is that JOY is found when I fill the CANYON of my heart with the Spirit of the LIVING GOD! I know - what is that? AND what does that look like? It's a moment by moment work of God - a creation in my heart of something new and better and more REAL than I could have imagined. God waits for me to call to Him across the canyon and I beg to Him for His power to close the gap with grace, love, peace, self-control - to help me see the moment as He sees it - and the people that are close to me as He sees them...and He does it. He is DOING IT!!! and I am flipping out because I am such a jerk! Why would He do this in me - for me?

I'll tell you one example that happened of God filling the gap in my heart - MOVING the expectation mountain - and the mountain of my reality - and bringing them together with Himself... My son had baseball practice Wednesday night. My husband was out of town so this was on me. No problem! I can handle it. We got homework done. Dinner started. A snack to tide us over - and the two kids and I went to the location my husband told me to go. 5:00 sharp I was there. Exhale. We made it with glove, water, bat...we're good - or really, if I'm honest, I was thinking, I'm good. BUT - no one was there. I texted my husband. "I'm here. Where is everyone?"

Text comes back - "It's not until 5:30"
Ok. No problem. It's a nice night. We'll hang out here and play until 5:30.
5:30 comes and goes - no one shows up.
My husband is in a meeting at this point so I had to make some command decisions on my own. Maybe we got the field location wrong. My heart is pounding, stomach turning in a tiny knot. BUT - it's okay. The kids and I get in the car - and they were GEMS! So good! And we begin to drive around from field location to possible field location in search of my son's team.

6:30 rolls around and we have burnt gas and time without getting to baseball practice. I am seething in my heart and mind while my children are laughing in the backseat. I want to cuss so bad my tongue hurts. I am begging God for help! I am telling Him I am so mad at my husband who is OBVIOUSLY the one at fault here. So I text him - my husband, not God - while sitting at the traffic light (sorry! I did! I wasn't driving...). The text read: "Never found practice. I am driving home."

While I am hitting send, a loud honk is heard behind me. I have missed the fact that the light is now green and I have ticked off one very mad faced woman. REALLY? REALLY RIGHT NOW?

I wanted to flip her off so bad I had to fight with my hands - but instead I waved to her a little thank you wave - and guess what??? SHE FLIPPED ME OFF!!! and my children saw it! They were in disbelief! I WAS A TRAIN WRECK of emotion. The last pebble in the canyon just got thrown and hit me in the face before it landed!

GOD! I prayed in my heart! I'm going to explode. And the one thought that came to my mind was - tell my children what I am learning right now, so they can see I learn with God too. Really? Tell them? Okay. I'm gonna tell them.

I said to them, "Mommy is dying right now. I'm ready to explode with tears! I just want to yell!" I told them calmly. "I didn't get Kaden to practice. We have been driving around for an hour and it's such a nice night. Daddy can't help me! I have totally blown what I was supposed to do... Now I get honked at and flipped off! I need God to give me self control and peace right now."

My daughter said, "It's okay, Mommy - let it out."

Well I laughed so hard when she said that! JOYJOYJOY!!! overflowing JOY! Here I am in a moment I will never get back with my children - a memory that is locked in my mind forever. If I reach out to the blessings that are right in front of me plain as day - there is always Joy. Always. One day those sweet babies will be far from me and I will long to have them in the car with me for an hour - doing ANYTHING! and there we were all safe, and well - and we had each other.... JOY!

Bad feelings gone. Expectation gap closed. I lack NOTHING! And when my husband called - pure joy and peace could be extended to him, not blame. I knew he felt bad, and was wishing he could be there to help me. It wasn't his fault! It was mine. I messed up as I found out later on. The practice was on the other side of the building, and I never drove around to see the other side. Ha! And he was not mad at me either...cuz he could have been frustrated with me, too. He's better at this drawing on the Spirit of God thing than I am...much!

Anyway...if you hung in for this long rant... thank you. If you didn't then you won't hear me say, that I am a stupid sheep who is desperate for the Spirit of God to take me where green pastures always are...where He is - within me. If you know this - what a gift you extend to those in your life who get to be loved by you as you do life together. If you don't know it....what a beautiful lesson for us to embrace together today...It's a new day - Expect nothing. Surrender everything.

JOY!

"The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want...He leads me beside the cool waters. He restores my soul." Psalm 23

Simply Go.

How many times have you heard someone say when describing their daily life as a follower of Christ, "I am still struggling with _________". Have you heard it? Like for example you may hear people say: I still struggle with not reading my Bible, with not praying, with shooting off my mouth when I'm mad, with gossip, with porn, with food, with money - with WHATEVER. The list among us is long and personal, isn't it?

A struggle is a noose around the neck that we, who are indwelt by the Spirit of God, have the power to remove and even destroy in our lives. But we don't. We leave it there and let it tighten and then complain about it - like it's a hopeless situation of who we are - and that struggle factor is a just a fact of life.

Well that's just bunk! I don't buy it. I refuse!!! Especially when Colossians teaches us that we can put to death our old nature and put on a new self that is being renewed in the knowledge of our Creator. Colossians 3! There's no struggle depicted for the believer - just dead sin. LOVE IT!

Author and speaker Elisabeth Elliot said once, "Struggle is just another word for disobedience." I like her thinking. I like it because this statement she is making puts the power to change where it belongs - on us. Do we really want to be different? Because if we do - well, then with that comes a whole new game, a new way of life, and that might be....hard.

If we choose to read our Bible every day - then that means our whole schedule must change, right?

If we choose to pray, then that means our focus is constantly on God, inviting Him into our thoughts all day long. That constant awareness of God is daunting even weird sounding. Isn't it? Am I going to be weird?

If we choose not shoot our mouth off when we are mad, then that means we don't get to say how we feel. Do we ever get to express how we feel? Does the other person just get to get away with hurting us and making us mad?

If we choose not to gossip then what will we have that is interesting to talk about? People are interesting. What else is there to say without trying to sound smart or actually sounding dumb?

If we choose not to look at porn then our thrill seeking and satisfaction must be met by God. Could that be fun?

If we choose to eat to live and not to live to eat then we may feel hungry and go through cravings. We would have to learn an entirely different way to think about food and what our body really needs verses what we want to give it and enjoy.

If we choose to acknowledge that God owns our stuff, we may give away more than we keep, and so could we really ever be happy? We won't have what other people have.

To struggle is to simply tell God "no". I'm not ready to let go of what I am use to right now. I like it this way, and your way, God, - the unknown - is not as comfortable as where I am right now and what I am choosing to do with my life.

Sad. And sad not because of what we're stuck living with - but sad because we are held captive by something powerless: a weightless, pitiful, laughable IDEA we saw, heard, and then simply chose to put on and believe in. And why? Think about it...think about it carefully - wasn't it because we either didn't know God - or maybe we did know God to some shallow degree, but simply didn't believe Him?

I look back at my life through the pages of my picture books and journals and I just shake my head at what I chose to settle for out of ignorance, complacency, fear or just plain disobedience. I don't want to be that girl today - not ever again. I want to Know God. I want to know Him more and more and more. Could knowing an eternal God ever stop? I want to know Him and believe Him for everything He says no matter what uncertainty or discomfort I may feel. I want to be a woman of God. How could that ever come without fear or discomfort? I'm in skin for crying out loud and I'm carved out in sin potential! To quote my morning workout coach "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable." Thank you, Jillian Michaels. That statement absolutely echoes the truth of God's Word over the lives of His people - whether He was telling Abram to go to a place that God would show Him, or telling Joshua to march around a city 7 times for 7 days, or telling Mary that she would give birth to the Messiah, or the disciples to go into all the world and preach the gospel. Where is comfort in all of that? Where is there not cause to fear? God is asking us to get comfortable with being uncomfortable...at least for awhile.

I turned to John 8 this morning and read Jesus words to the woman caught in the act of adultery. I was this woman. Maybe not in complete detail - but I can feel her shame because it was my own years ago. What Jesus would say to her, mattered greatly to me. He had my attention, and so I listened.

This great Teacher, The King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, "The One who was, and is, and is to come" did not give her a lecture, even though He could have, and she would have had to lay there at his feet and listen. He did not give her a 12 step plan . It would have overwhelmed her. He gave her one, simple direction. "Go and leave your life of sin."

I wonder if she did. Ya know? And though I cannot find evidence of her anywhere else in Scripture...I don't really have to, because He spoke these words to me. "Go." And so I did. And I have not looked back, nor have I gone forward without daily going to God to rid my mind and my heart of the habits that brought me to my knees before Him when I was 26. Was it easy? No. Has it been worth it? A thousand times and eternity of times to come - YES! That simple statement is how I look at each day. Jesus set me free, I will not return to the way I lived before Him.

"Go, and leave your life of sin." Powerful truth. We won't miss our life of sin. Of this I am QUITE sure. You know what I'm talkin' about! I know you do! Why are we so afraid we will??? Just like we don't miss our mother's womb, right??? Can you remember that? Do you miss that? No way! In the same way, when we leave our life of sin our new lungs will fill with air, and we will wonder how we ever lived any other way.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should GO; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8

Breathe in truth - breathe out grace - and GO!

Study: The Position of our Mind

A gift of God to every Believer is a heart that actually desires Him. Being a part of a church body is where we can fully express that desire, learn, grow, and worship with others. However, if this is the only time we connect with God, WHO then are we actually following? The time we spend with God in prayer and personal Bible study is critical to who we are as His followers.

If you would for a second...think about it this way: You have a cell phone, right? What do you think we should value more, getting a text directly from our Creator and Savior, or hearing everyone around us always talking about the text message He sent to them...??? You know what I'm saying? Even if the people in our life talked about their "text from God" - and let us read what He said to them, it's just not the same. It's not the intimacy we crave.

Why do we let ANYTHING keep us from the Text of God? God wrote to us so that we could know HIM. In fact we were created not only hear God's text, know it and receive it with a willing heart, we were created to REFLECT the message of God and bring Him glory as we live it! Doesn't that just make you want to POUND something??? Pound your heart, my friend! That is the SPIRIT of GOD in you!

When Howard Hendricks, a long time professor at Dallas Theological Seminary, (who also served as the Dallas Cowboys chaplain from 1976 to 1984) spoke about personal Bible study, he put it simply, "There is no jewel more precious than the one which you have mined yourself." I love that! I totally get that. I grew up hearing the Bible. I did not study it for myself. When my life fell apart - that's when I ran to God on my own. And I need to be clear here. When I say I ran to God - I do not mean that I went back to church. I'd been "doing" church. I ran to God in His Word, to study it and hear His "Voice" speak to the junk stored up in my heart and mind that had led my decision making up until this point. The PERSONAL pursuit of God in His Word - THIS - is what CHANGED everything.

We went on a vacation to Myrtle Beach last July. Every day I would walk that beach in search of little treasures. I can't help but be amazed at the ocean and what she brings to the shore for us to see God's glory in her. I found so many beautiful shells and creatures, but the most amazing thing to me was the shark's tooth. WHAT a treasure! That I could find a tiny tooth in the midst of so much sand and all the tide-washed shells was so magnificent to me. I could not wait to show my son who is fascinated by sharks.

He was thrilled of course, but you know what? Even though I gave it to him - he was not satisfied. He HAD to find his own shark's tooth. And he did not want to stop until he did. There's just something exhilarating about the hunt, the adventure that brought you to a jewel that is forever yours, something entirely heart, soul, mind and body - GRATIFYING. It is the SAME with personal Bible study...only so much BETTER! God, Himself, leads you, and the jewel you find is eternal. The fortune that it holds can never be lost, or taken from you - ever.

I'm so grateful for the dry, thirsty place in my life that made me learn to seek Living Water. I'm grateful for the daily hunt that is new every morning, and that studying His Word never leaves me feeling self-sufficient, but ENTIRELY dependent on my God, moment by need filled moment. And I am so grateful that He is faithful to equip all of us so personally with His sufficiency for the day - by Every Word He Has Spoken.

My hope is to encourage you. If you are coming and going from church, Sunday after Sunday - being stirred - and yet STILL feeling like a BIG FAT FAKE. Feeling like: when is the pastor's passion ever going to be yours - because you still don't get it....And yet you get Jesus - and God - and that you NEED a relationship to the Father through His Son - but you still feel lost because - WHAT IS THAT??? Cuz maybe even being in a church small group, serving in Sunday school, giving your time and money to God in any way you find is needed - but STILL - you are sculpting out of deeds - that become monotony - the image of what is SUPPOSED to be a follower of Christ -and still feeling like a misfit at the end of the day...who just might not be able to get up and do it one. more. time. If that's you - OH MY SOUL! that was ME! ME! ME! Can I show you something that just shakes my heart to this day? John 1: 1 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the WORD was GOD." His Word...His WORD - is Him. I have spent years looking for Him in people and places and circumstances and a boat load of other STUFF - and I have missed Him because I did not know Him. His Word is Him. Once I started feeding myself His Word every day - my eyes were opened to Him in people, in places and circumstances and a boat load of other STUFF - from my PAST - to present day. His Word. His Word. His Word...He is His Word. You won't miss Him. You won't.

And if you say, "I've read the Bible." Yeah. I've got that experience in my life, too. There's reading it - and then there's studying it. To study it - is to KNOW it. Remember those days of studying to KNOW something? Be it your career - your significant other - the directions for your phone???...Study God's Word - to know HIM. Get a good study Bible - with concordance and all...with cross references...with maps. GET a good one. You got a decent phone right? Get a good Bible. I love my NIV Zondervan study Bible. I love my NAS Ryrie study Bible. There are so many to choose from...you get to PICK ONE or two, or three.

Then, schedule study time into your day. For me - it's first thing in the a.m. EVERY DAY. I can't live without food and water in my flesh, so as a child of God I most certainly cannot live without SPIRIT food prepared my Father. That's good cookin'!

My other suggestion is a journal or a notebook where you can keep track of what you are reading and learning. If I didn't write it down - I'd forget what I read, what course God took me through to get to a TRUTH that blew my mind. I write it down as a legacy of my faith journey - not for people to read necessarily, but for my own personal accountability - my own personal life in Christ to refer back to and see the hand of God in my life.

And lastly I would encourage you to spend time in prayer before you study. What is on my heart and mind is often the STUFF pile from where God teaches me - corrects me - and redefines who I am in Him. AND then there are sometimes when what is on my heart and mind is a distraction that needs to be set down before God. SO I pray. I ask God to open my eyes to His Word - and make me get it - REALLY GET IT. "Open my eyes that I might see wonderful things from your law." Psalm 119:18. This is a request that is most definitely God's will for us. He'll do it. I promise, because He PROMISED first. "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13...Remember HE is His Word. Look for Him there.

I'm a freak about God's Word. I can't help it - and it is my JOY to share that ZEAL with you. Treasure is certain, my friend. What are you waiting for?

"I will never forget your precepts for by them you have preserved my life." Psalm 119:93

i love you.

Obedience to God means "I love you".

I didn't love God for many years. I knew who He was in my head - you know - where intellect kicks around all the ideas and information in this world and beyond - but, with my heart... you know - where our will to give ourselves to someone or something holds back or releases - my heart did not love God.

God won my heart. In my life apart from Him, He constantly drew me to Him. Crazy when I think about it. I mean, when someone rejects us - what do we do? We reject that person, right? Great love stories are made of self-less pursuits on behalf of love that is often never reciprocated...until the very end.

So now that I love Him...Now what? Now what indeed. I want to live for Him. I want to live for Him in a way that includes learning about Him - you know - where intellect kicks around all the ideas and information in this world and beyond - and with my heart...you know - where the will to give myself to someone or something holds back or releases. I want my intellect to be shaped by God's Word and my heart by His Way, His Truth, His Life. CRAZY that I love God this way. Crazy miracle.

Jesus asked Peter one day, "Peter do you love me?" John 21. Not just once - but three times Jesus inquired of Peter - DO YOU LOVE ME? Of course Peter answers yes - but it's what Jesus asked him to do with that love that has my attention.

"Feed my lambs."
"Take care of my sheep."
"Feed my sheep."

The outpouring of Peter's love for the Messiah would always be obedience, and not obedience to a law. Jesus didn't tell Him which commands to obey, right? Jesus final conversation with Peter reiterated what His entire ministry in flesh was all about - Love God. Love Others.

This love - this great love - God has given us is not just for ourselves. THIS love is for us to pour out on those around us...

If you read the rest of the conversation Jesus has with Peter - it gets a little more dicey than just love and feeding sheep. Ultimately what Jesus is telling Peter is that THIS love, that Peter has for Him, will take the disciple to his death on a cross.

I can't read this without wondering WHY we get to listen in on this particular conversation. Is it merely to witness ONE incredible love story? I don't think so. I think we get to listen in for our own love story with the Savior.

I don't think he is asking us anything different. His teaching is pretty clear and consistent.

DO you love me? Do YOU love me? Do you LOVE me?
Feed my lambs. Take care of my sheep. Feed my sheep. AND, my disciples... ultimately, this love will cost you your life.

Here's what he teaches us about love in John 15 - one of my faaaavorite chapters:

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this than to lay down ones life for ones friends." John 15:12-13

And here is the grit of this SPIRIT infused love reiterated in Luke:

"Then he said to them, whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. " Luke 9:23-24

Powerful mind and heart workout. Ya know? Yeah. I'm with you. I'm thinkin' through it, and mulling it over with what that needs to look like in my skin every day, and I feel the strain of this love in every part of my being. Yup. Today is hard for so many reasons; - many reasons with hearts and minds of their own. Hard is good though. Hard makes me realize I am alive in Christ, and not to myself anymore.

Obedience is our love. Hard. Strong. Determined. Broken. Imperfect. Yielded. SPIRIT DRIVEN. Love life. Beautiful outpouring of a mind and a heart that is God's.

As we pursue this love today, tomorrow, and the next day - know I'm with you. Know you're not alone in the fight - in the pursuit of great love,. So many of us are with you. But you probably won't hear many clapping, and applauding, or even cheering in your efforts. That's the beauty of a great love story, isn't it? The love is pursued relentlessly, without reward, without approval, often rivaled and mocked, often poured out when no one is watching - and yet this great love is fully realized, vanquished, and satisfied in the end.

"Look, I am coming soon! My reward is with me..." Revelation 22:12

Love well.
LOVE well.
Love WELL.

I want more.

Have you ever heard someone offer a strong word of encouragement, teaching, or correction and leave that word with you unsupported by a foundation of truth? Truth being the Word of God. Or have you heard someone offer a strong word of encouragement, teaching, or correction and USE the Word of God - but use it completely out of context? I have - often, in fact - I have heard myself do it. YUK!

So do you JUST want a verse with that?

I want more. I need more. Don't just give me the verse. Don't just give me the context. I need the voice of our God walking me through this learning in the ONE on ONE relationship I get to have with Him in this life - By His Spirit.

Even. Even. EVEN your best logic cannot surpass the VOICE of God through His Word in our decision making. You know? Well this is right - because__________. This is wrong because____________. That way of thinking cannot compare to The Word of God that teaches us wisdom beyond reason.

Abraham left his family to go where God would lead him. I should do it then, right?

Rahab lied about the spies she was hiding. I should do it then, right?

David had more than one spouse. I should do it then, right?

Paul remained single. I should do it then, right?

Paul also made a vow and shaved off his hair to mark the end of it. I should do it then, right?

My friends are going to Israel. I should do it then, right?

Some of my friends are going on a missions trip to the Dominican. I should do it then, right?

My doctor prescribed me pills to calm my nerves when flying in an airplane. I should do it then, right?

What does God want me to do in this life that I have been given FOR HIS PURPOSES to bring Him glory?

Right. Wrong. Everything in the way we live is not about a law. Everything in the way we live is about glorifying God. And God will not leave us without His help, His instruction, His Spirit to guide us. Will we seek Him? He will answer. And we will not always feel good about the response. We will, however, be blessed. Romans 8.

How critical then is the pivotal point on which we turn our lives to God - embrace - and serve Christ! I Thessalonians 1:9. Our responsibility as hearers and doers of the Word does not rest exclusively on the teacher, although, ABSOLUTELY, our teachers hold great purpose in our learning, which is why James said not many should want to be teachers (James 3:1). To whom much is given - MUCH MUCH MORE is required (Luke 12:48). Jesus was speaking of the Word given to the Servant by His Master. Read this when you get a chance - the whole context of it Luke 12. And ask God to show you wonderful things from this passage. He will. Because in TRUTH - as it was and always will be - the most critical point in our learning - and life change - life purpose - is based on our own relationship with the Father - who is faithful to teach us HIMSELF - when we seek Him with our whole heart, our whole mind, and all of our strength (Deut. 4:29).

Deuteronomy 4! Oh my soul, please study this chapter. How clear the love of the Father - to His people - to us - as He speaks through Moses about how obedience to God's laws shows WISDOM and understanding to the nations. And Moses - who heard for HIMSELF - the voice of God was not allowed to enter the promised land because he did not obey what God spoke to him. "From heaven he made you hear his voice to discipline you...because He loved you." Deuteronomy 4:36-37

God has not left us without a way to hear His voice. The commands were not enough. They were not intended to be - only a teacher to help us process - synthesize - how lost we are without the way of Christ, the voice of the Spirit, the Life of our eternal God.

I make no decision based on my own feelings, my own understanding, my own ability. This was my past, and this way of living was my greatest downfall. Jesus has taught me a new way of life; LIFE that is in Him. To Follow Him - what He would do; to listen to His Voice of Truth spoken by the Spirit; to experience full life that I was made to realize.

Every decision that breeds opportunity to glorify God in my skin - in my life as a whole - whatever I eat, drink or whatever I do - I do it all with one thought...WILL THIS GLORIFY GOD? I Corinthians 10:31 AND that answer - THAT answer - does not - could not - will not EVER. EVER. come from me.

Hear me softly, and low before you, and in love - The question is not: IS IT RIGHT? NOT: IS IT WRONG. That way of thinking is NOT consistent with the whole Word of God. Consider not just the law - but the Spirit of the Law. The Spirit of the Law speaks to the truth that we are not our own. The Spirit of the Law says I do not act without consideration of THE KING - the ONE my life represents and is subject to. The Spirit of the Law expresses this life is not about me.

So, consider not just the teachings of Moses that were given to point to our sinful nature and need of a Savior. I don't even keep ALL of those - do you? Do you honestly keep the Sabbath as was taught by God through Moses in the book of Exodus? (31:14-15, 35:2-3) Jesus didn't even keep the Sabbath according to Jewish law! (Luke 13) He directed us to the Spirit of the Law. Consider the totality of the teachings of Christ who said, "The Spirit will lead you in all truth. He speaks not on His own; - (even the Spirit of God does not go with his gut - how he feels - how he thinks!) He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is to come. He will glorify ME because it (TRUTH) is from me that He will receive and make known to you." John 16:13-14...yeah - I'm asking you to check out that whole passage, too. You'll love it...and if you really want a great study time on this whole idea of being led by the Spirit of God start at chapter 14 and read to chapter 17. Then follow Jesus from His point of arrest in John 18 and the few words God directed him to speak before Pilate. You won't be able to stop there because the Spirit of God remained with Him as He was crucified, and would not release Him until it was finished..."With that he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." John 19:30. Spirit way. Spirit truth. Spirit life. And that life got up from the grave in 3 days! Yeah. You'll want to read on.

As I process all the significance of the gift of Christ - the Spirit of God in my life on this earth until death, and then up from the grave - the significance of having His Word in my heart - memorized - familiar to me moment by moment - as familiar as a recipe we have been nourished by for years, or the way to my mother's house where love is always found ... I am moved to tears. I want more than just a verse. I want the voice of God - speaking to me directly - so that my resolve to live for God - IS CHRIST. Philippians 1:21. Christ alone. Not what I think is right. Not what I think is wrong. But The Savior who is neither. I want to reflect the Savior who is THE GREAT I AM.

I am so Grateful you are with me. It is a gift to worship Him with you. Please pray for me. I struggle in this stuff called flesh. I will pray for you, too. God is faithful. And oh so patient! We will hear Him - and we do hear Him - for His purposes. "'It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by His own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be MY WITNESSES in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth'....this Jesus who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back..." Acts 1:7-11