HERE I AM!

Hide and seek is a favorite game at our house. All I have to say is, "You wanna play hide-and-seek?" AND ecstatically my children scatter to their favorite hiding spots! Funny how they never want me to be the one in hiding. So, I count to 100, and then begin to look for them, pretending not to know where they are. I call to them and continue to seek until they tire of crouching quietly. Practically stumbling over each other, the two of them run to the safety zone yelling and laughing, "HERE I AM!" For my little hiders, position in this game is everything. They know they're bound to be found - it's just where and how that matters. If I find them while they are in hiding - oh my soul! It's like I just ruined their entire world! They want to be found, but on their own terms. (Exhibit A: the Pharisees)

If you're a parent, have you had one of those moments when it's not a game, and you are in a panic looking for your child? When your child is missing, you are physically sick inside not seeing, not hearing that sweet life of yours anywhere. You call your baby's name - first calmly, expecting the response. But when no response comes - you call with much emotion. The name of your child, as you yell it out again, holds more than the hope of finding him - this time the fear that he is lost is clearly heard. And then - as if from out of nowhere - there he is; running, laughing, and in full view, "HERE I AM!" Huge relief! A thrill for his life that you have never known. (Exhibit B: the prodigal - Luke 15:11-32)

How about the time you found the mess your child made, but she was m.i.a; have you had a moment like that? There on the floor in front of my vanity, crushed lipsticks - several of them that were seemingly applied and then smashed in an attempt to close the lid on the fully extended stick. Inhale peace. Exhale her name. I call for her calmly. No response. I know she is not far. I call her again. Silence. I now begin to hunt. She is hiding from me, and I must consider very carefully what I will say to her once I find her. I continue to call, so she knows I expect her to answer. No reply ever comes, but there she is behind the closed pantry door with tinted lips of Wet-'n-Wild's "milk shake your booty". How nice we share the same taste. No "HERE I AM" this time. She didn't want to be found. Didn't she know I would come for her and find her no matter what? Did she think her hiding place was impenetrable? I really think she did. (Exhibit C: Adam - Genesis 3)



My favorite "HERE I AM" moments - are when I call to my children and they come running to me expectant of good things - expectant of my open arms - expectant of my love. If they aren't running to me when I call them, there is a reason - a reason that defines their physical and/or relational independence. Whatever the reason, my heart's desire is to find them. My concern as they grow older - will they let me? How can I convey that no matter where they are, or what they have done they can come to me? How can I be sure that the instruction and love that I offer are correct and complete at the point of need? Patience needed! Kindness, mercy, and faithfulness needed! UGH! Who am I kidding?!? Throw all of the Fruit of the Spirit in the basket - and wisdom too, please! (Exhibits D-G: Abram Genesis 22, Moses Exodus 3, Isaiah - Isaiah 6, Samuel- I Samuel 3)

Thank God I didn't realize all of this when I saw the positive blue line on the pregnancy test! Pure joy would have been pure panic! But you know what? Here's the kicker; as I continue to learn and grow in my faith in our Perfect Father, I rest in the realization that I cannot possibly be for my children all that they need. I am not the completion of who they are and neither will any other human being ever be. God is. He is their completion. True, I need to seek to parent them well. I should be:


1. Teaching them life lessons according to His Word - not mine.


2. Helping them learn the Word of God and grow by it. and


3. Modeling for them (and with them) what it looks like to love God and love others.

Taking those three objectives into consideration - what my question should be is: HOW can I teach my children WHO God is so that they will know Him and be willing to run to HIM - exuberant and expectant and calling from their hearts, "HERE I AM!

My Pastor recently taught a lesson packed with truth that continues to pierce my heart. If you have a chance to listen, please check it out. http://theater.thechapel.com/play/?p=1291&title=A_Vision_of_God. If you have already heard this message - have you been drawn back to it without fully understanding why? Again and again God calls me back to Isaiah 6. Isaiah saw God - and it changed everything.

I pray daily that God will make Himself known to me and to my children.

I pray that ALL He is will be clear to us so that Jesus will be our heart's desire.

I pray that we will have humility and courage to embrace Him.

When Jesus was on earth He made God known. Some believed, but would not got to Him. Consider John 12:43

"Yet at this same time many even among the leaders believed in him. But because of the Pharisees, they would not openly acknowledge their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue; for they loved human glory MORE than the glory of God."

Position meant everything.

Realizing this, I'm sure, Jesus cried out, "Those who believe in me do not believe in me only, but in the one who sent me. When they look at me, they see the one who sent me. I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness." John 12:44-46

God crafted His image through Christ - and He can open our eyes and heart to Him. What would God have me do with this truth? I can't open the eyes of my children - or cure my own blindness, any more than Ann Sullivan could cure Helen Keller's blindness or prevent her own. What could I possibly place in the hands of my little ones to help them realize with me what it means to see Living Water? I trust God to show me. I want to be fully prepared - eyes wide open - to guide them through the Words of God - the lessons of God - that will mirror the image of Himself.

Jesus said He is the light (John 6:12). I get to read with my children the Word of God so that we are not ignorant to the darkness.

Jesus said He is the Gate for the sheep (John 10:7,9). As I come alongside them, I get to model for my children what it looks like to guard the fortress of their heart by His Word, so that we will be protected.

He is the Shepherd (John 10: 11,14). I get to pray with them and show them what it means to talk to God and trust Him with our lives.

He is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). I get to love and guide them in His footsteps so that together our footing is sure.

He is the resurrection and the life (John 11:25). As their mom, as their daddy's wife, I get to die in front of them daily to show them what it means to live through Christ by faith.

He is the bread of life (John 6:35). I get to openly crave and feast on the goodness that is our God so that they see what it means to hunger and thirst after righteousness.

He is the vine (John 15:1). I get to grow beside them as we study His Word - among a community of believers - so that they see the ongoing work of the gospel in me, and the purpose of His church - and so they are never afraid to be boldly dependent on Him.

If we are willing to seek, God is always there to be found. Acts 17:27 - "if perhaps they might search for Him and find Him though he is not far from each one of us." I have hidden far too long from Him - may I always be willing to come running, yelling "here I am." May my children want to grab my hand and run with me....faster and faster until I can't keep up with them anymore.

don't ask. don't tell.

When it comes to issues of the heart - I do not agree with this philosophy. When it comes to issues of the heart - the intimate moments of "the asking and the telling" with those whom you love - and with those who love you- these intimate moments are sacred and sanctioned by God for healing.

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." James 5:16

My daughter sat on my husband's lap, and I at his side holding her tiny hand of 8 years growth. Her face was pale. She knew she was in trouble. We knew she could resort to lying in order to hide her wrong behavior. We wanted to give her the chance to realize the goodness and freedom that comes from confessing. Instead of telling her what we knew, we waited for her to tell us what she had been hiding. The moments seemed to drag on as we urged her to tell us what had happened, and tears welled up in her eyes, but no words had fallen from her lips. We waited. She was silent. Finally, to ease her discomfort in this place of scrutiny and seeming judgement - I told her, "My child - look at my eyes." She looked at me. "There is not one thing that you can tell me that you have done - that I myself have not done. Before you made wrong choices, I have already made them. You are not alone."

What do you think she did? She told us everything. The relief that she was not the only one who was guilty of this act - which of course she already knew was wrong - was all it took to spill her heart. The festering wound had been cut open, the infection released, and healing truth could be applied.

I know I will have to assure my child again and again that she does not stand alone in her guilt. I stand with her. How do I explain all I hope for her to realize...I wonder? Perhaps she might relate to clothes - clothes that she thinks are pretty - clothes that are ugly. What a picture of our guilt caused by sin - those burdensome rags we wore before we knew God; thinking that we were dressing up for life when we chose our own way. Choice after empty choice we covered ourselves with smelly rags of death. But then Jesus found us. And how grateful I am that I can tell her that dressed in our guilt, Jesus - the Perfect One -arrayed in robes of white and gold - wrapped us up tight in His embrace. His love and perfection made us realize our rags - our own shame before the King of Kings, but he did not embarass us, or scorn us for our appearance. Jesus instead took all our ugly guilt away, and gave to us His beautiful robe of innocence to wear as our very own. Oh my daughter! will you understand?

How I want both of my children to know that they are not alone in their need for a Savior. We ask. We tell. We are healed - together - by His love.

She's nine in nine days. Soon - all too soon - we will have a conversation about what it means to be a woman. I will have the privilege of explaining to my daughter the wonder of God's creation of man and woman, and God's design for sex. My heart aches at the thought of this moment. Not because this is an uncomfortable conversation; not because my baby is growing up and my letting go of her innocence is difficult; not because I have no idea where to begin. This conversation is hard because I remember all to well when my mother had this conversation with me. I heard her. I understood. I not only heard her explain God's design for sex, but I heard other people in my life - Sunday school teachers, and youth pastors explain how God's design for sex was for marriage - to protect us - to bless us. I heard it, but I chose my own design - despite these lessons of truth. What I wouldn't give to have another chance - to be sitting where she is sitting - and hear it again for the first time - and be able to know what I know now - and choose God's way. His way is perfect - and mine was such a sorrow-filled mess. What will my child choose for herself? How can I help her hold to God?

She will begin to draw many lines of understanding in her mind - of her father and I - and in time will wonder if I waited to have sex until I married her dad. "Don't ask. Don't tell." No. I don't believe that is where I will hide in shame. I learned from the woman at the well. I learned from Rahab. I learned from the sinful woman who washed Jesus' feet with her tears and dried them with her hair. I will tell her my story; indeed all of it, and their stories as well. She could look to me and compare herself - and consider that, in her mind, I have turned out just fine. After all, her dad and I are very happily married. I realize she may think like this, thanks to years in college ministry and this very response from young women who have heard me tell my story of regret. I'm prepared for her to consider this with me - even if she doesn't express her thoughts. I will trust that God will help me show my little wonderer the scars that remain on my heart from my poor choices - yes healed - but very visible when I take off the veil I hold over my face before the world. My heart has a memory. My mind has a memory - would to God that I had kept myself pure so that those memories were only of my husband and I together. But they aren't. There are ugly, black images that no roses or wine can sweep over in pink hues and lace. These memories brought to my marriage many issues that required the patience of my godly husband and the healing of our God. As only God can work all things together for good - the challenges that would have destroyed us without Him - made us stronger. Do I wish we would have avoided them? Absolutely. I know that challenges like that do not have to happen to knit two hearts together. God's design for sex is to protect us from such heartache in marriage. So, I will, with God's wisdom, explain to my daughter most carefully and wisely the severity of these wounds my promiscuity caused and, yes, reveal these scars to her. And oh my heart! I will pray with her - that she will choose God's way for her life in all things, so that her days and her nights are blessed - that her marriage bed is pure and holy - and wrapped in the sweetest scarlet ribbon of one man - one woman - one God for as long as the two shall live.

Luke 7:44-47 "...Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven - as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little."

She came to him boldly. She did not have to say a word. He already knew, and he spoke on her behalf for the sake of others who needed to realize His love and forgiveness. Don't ask? Don't tell? Absolutely not. "Then Jesus said to her, 'Your sins are forgiven.'...Your faith has saved you. Go in peace" Luke 7:48, 50

Selah.

feast.

Today I celebrate the victories of yesterday, and begin a new day to rise above the challenges I have yet to conquer. Objectives for today are not set according to errors past - BUT - according to the victorious Living Word of God - Christ. By Him - and and for Him alone I am more than a conqueror.

My freshman year of college I EMBRACED an eating disorder. I define eating disorder this way: food is my god. Food became for me the sedative that I needed in times of stress. My worship of food fleshed out in a daily hunt for Reese's peanut butter cups and Sunkist soda. I bowed down to bagels with cream cheese for security - something to hold on to - in large classes of Freshman students. Hamburgers and french fries, buttered popcorn, pasta and bread, and my favorite - vanilla milkshakes brought me to my knees time and again and soothed my longings for home. Food became the focus when I should have been seeking Jesus - the Bread of Life. Why didn't I seek Him? When I think about it now, - and consider the way I lived out my days and nights - I had no idea what seeking God to live my life with me would look and feel like at 18- not in sorrow - not in joy. I knew what it meant to live in the realm of religious followers - you know - church, mission trips, and knowing the rules to follow according to the Bible - I had that down. But my heart was far from God. Jesus saved me from hell; that I processed easily - and could profess without hesitation - YET I spoke without realizing THE saving included the hell of my own destructive choices. I am grateful that God is a daddy - who let me walk through harsh consequences to open my eyes to see I could live differently. I could feast on life in Him - instead of starving trying to find life in me.

My hidden eating disorder became more difficult to camouflage. All those worship ceremonies were becoming evident as the temple of me was getting much bigger. My dad called me on it - lovingly but boldly. "Honey, you have changed." He laughed and hugged me. "What tastes so good?" It wasn't funny to me then. His words cut, but they made me look in the mirror. Did something really taste so good? When I thought about it, nothing tasted good enough to make me want to look fat. How did I not realize that my weight had changed? I was 15 pounds overweight that semester, and I was desperate to lose it, but how? I had zero discipline, as evidenced by my lifestyle. Spiritual habits, study habits, sleeping habits, relationship habits all followed the same mantra: "I'll do what I feel like." So, how could I possibly lose weight, when I felt like eating to match my circumstances?

Why I think I can avoid responsibility for my actions - (like I can beat the system) - is plain and simple - pride. God's word is true. "As water reflects the face, so one's life reflects the heart." Proverbs 27:19 whispered to me then - and still speaks to me daily. Truth cannot be beaten or manipulated. It simply is. But I tried to manipulate it anyway, and so to combat my lack of self-control I decided to try a little trick a friend of mine showed me when I was twelve. If I stuck my fingers down my throat I could make myself gag and vomit up the evidence of my source of help. This new trick redefined my worship completely. My eating was then focused on a time I could get away to vomit - or be alone to eat and vomit. Socially, this was a pain in the neck. I would be red eyed, my throat would hurt, and my voice was scratchy. PEOPLE WOULD KNOW. Why is that always the concern? What about God? Sure. God knows, but he won't make fun of me. He'll forgive me. Right? He gets me. I persisted, and I got better at it. I mastered it so well that I could simply drink a lot after the eating ritual and then vomit without my fingers on the trigger. But still, socially - this was lonely. I wanted to find a better way. I remembered another trick I had learned from the same friend. Laxatives could be the social butterfly's best friend, if you were willing to suffer briefly with that little pink pill's effects every eight hours or so. To have my food help - and to stay thin - absolutely I would. And so - for 8 years - 8. 8. 8. Oh my heart - 8 years I subjected my body to this torture of eating and forcibly eliminating my source of help. This ritual consumed me and was destroying me - (as I would only find out how very internally much - YEARS later), and yet I clung to it for life as I defined how life should be. "There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 14:12. How true this is in all my ways apart from God!

Why didn't I seek God? Why didn't I know I had a Savior for this hell? I was too ashamed to go to Him. He is pure. Holy. I knew my habits were wrong. I didn't know exactly why - like verse and chapter, commandment - but I knew - I had learned as a child - my body was a temple of the Holy Spirit - and I knew I was not treating it as such. Would God really indwell the mess of me? I thought - literally this is my manipulative way of thinking -that God stepped away for awhile because of my vile acts, and maybe I would stop and invite Him back or "rededicate" my body to Him when I was ready. I thought many wrong and prideful thoughts - didn't I?

How desperate I was for God's Word to wash over my thinking! God's Word - Jesus - is faithful.

As stubborn as I am, I know if I would have heard someone preach to me about the body being the temple of God (I Corinthians 6:19-20) I would have not only been ticked off, but I would have rebelled even harder in my self worship. Seriously! I hated the judgement of others! HATED IT! RAN FROM IT! So, any well-meaning girlfriend would have had my venomous wrath up one side her little holy self and down the other. But I wonder, what would I have done if she would have invited me into her life, loved me, showed me what it looked like to seek God and love Him, live for Him, go through heartache and joy with Him...what if someone would have loved me like God loves me - showing me what it looked like physically to let go of what I held precious to realize and walk in the treasure He has to offer me? NO ONE CAME. No one. I do not blame. I do not hold bitterness. I trust in the God who sees me - who could have brought anyone into my life at that time to learn from and be loved by. And because no one did - this is my heart - my passion - my focus. I was allowed to be in the desert so that I might experience the living water of Jesus at the well He stood by with me - and that HE allowed me to be at that well all alone so that I would go from it - changed by Him - and with a mission to seek out the ones I can love and walk alongside and direct to His lasting, satisfying help - that cannot be matched - cannot be manipulated. This is now my worship. (John 4 - the woman at the well. "They said to the woman, 'We no longer believe just because of what you said; now we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this man really is the Savior of the world.'" vs. 42)

Oh my God! You are too good for anyone to realize you! You are the bread of life, and daily you teach me what that looks like, tastes like - and I will never return to the idols your love for me destroyed. I am saved. I am saved. I am saved. THIS FEAST - is like none I have ever known. My STRENGTH - MY HELP is not eliminated from me - it remains in me. I pray, I pray, I pray, I wear it - and bring glory to the only God who deserves my worship.

His forgiveness is complete. His strength is made perfect in weakness. He gives me each day my daily bread, and I am grateful to be dependent on Him for the hunger and satisfaction that is found in Jesus the Christ of God. This gospel I cling to, and hope in, and rely on daily. I had to tell you - to interrupt you with my story - because if you are hungry, I am with you! and you are not alone!

"I am the bread of life. Your ancestors ate the manna in the wilderness, yet they died. But here is the bread that comes down from heaven, which people may eat and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. Whoever eats of this bread will live forever. this bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world." John 6:48-51

Oh it is my hope when you see me, you see the fruit of the God I worship and you ask me, "WHAT TASTES SO GOOD?"

i know.

Literary character studies fascinate me. To realize the depth of a person as he or she emerges in 3D from the written word is captivating to my mind's eye. Such craft and skill is required to be able to breathe life into what is flat and motionless! I would teach character study to my English classes once upon a career ago. The instruction would involve my drawing a circle on the chalkboard. Smartboards weren't around then. I would draw a circle, tell them this is their faceless character who will take shape before their reading eyes as they uncover the author's clues about the character's traits.

They would have to hunt for these clues and categorize them in this way: what are the character's WORDS/ACTIONS; what is the character's REPUTATION - as revealed through other character's words and actions; what is the character's APPEARANCE, what are the character's THOUGHTS and FEELINGS as revealed by the author. Eagerly, together as a class, we study the text for the passages that would give this character the 3D image we were hoping to see in motion.

Amazing to me that even though I am removed from the English classroom, this study skill is critical to my life. My focus is no longer C.Thomas Howell, Sharaa, Tolkien or Shakespeare; my focus is God. His Word and the people He has revealed Himself to - and through - satisfy my enthusiasm for the written word - beyond my expectation - beyond what I could have thought I would realize or know when introspectively considering a character.

I recently met Martha, the sister of Mary in John 11. By considering her words and watching her in action - Martha has come to life for me and I am forever changed for having made her acquaintance. I am bursting to tell everyone about this woman. She has a tremendous story that is often lost in the reputation of her busyness.

Lazarus her brother was dead. Jesus, a friend to him, to Martha and Mary his sisters, had come too late to heal him of his sickness - but still he arrived in Bethany knowing full-well Lazarus had died and knowing full-well that he would raise him to live again.

Listen in on Martha's words to Jesus beginning in John 11:21. Her words reveal who she is, just as Jesus' words to Martha reveal who HE is.

"Lord," (note what she calls him) Martha said, to Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I KNOW (note what she THINKS she knows) that even now God will give you whatever you ask."

Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again."

Here I pressed PAUSE on this movie taking place before me - to evaluate her words mmore closely. Martha has acknowledged that Jesus is Lord. What that personally meant to her I cannot judge, but she called him "LORD". She stated her faith that He could have healed Lazarus. She stated her faith, that Jesus could call on God and ask of Him anything - and He would receive it from God. HUGE faith she professed to him.

Jesus' words also reveal MUCH. In response to her statement of faith, Jesus told her... Lazarus would rise again! "Jesus said to her, 'Your brother will rise again.'"

- Now, here's where I insert my own self - which does not apply to the interpretation - it's just God's Word reading me. I WOULD HAVE FLIPPED OUT!!! I mean, wouldn't I? Jesus just told me my brother would rise again!!! I would have said, "SHUT UP!!! I will take you to him now!!!!" I would have said that, right? God's Word like a dagger to my heart. Maybe I wouldn't have. I press PLAY and listen to more of Martha's words - her character coming in to full color.

Martha answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day."

Pause again.

She believed that there would be a resurrection, like I believe there will be a resurrection. Why did she go to this distant, safe kind of hope instead of the immediate hope - the hope of Lazarus being raised before her right then? Too much to hope for. I relate. Hope that doesn't hope too big is not disappointed. How sad for her. How sad for me.

Play on.

"Jesus said to her, 'I AM..'"

PAUSE!!! Wait!!! I have heard this before! He said "I AM" is this the same I AM that God used in Exodus when Moses said to God (paraphrased), "Who should I say sent me?" and God replied to Moses (paraphrased), "tell them I AM sent you." Is this the same phrase?

YES!!! YES IT IS!!! Exodus 3:15 "God said to Moses, 'I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites." This name Jesus applied to Himself, and in so doing HE claimed to be God and risked being stoned for blasphemy! Now - not only is my heart arrested on this realization - BUT - my now mind is going fast forward!

Jesus has said this before! I have heard Him say this before in other verses! What were they? Of course the first one I go to in my memory is when the soldiers came to Gethsemane with Judas Iscariot, and Jesus came to meet them and said, "Who is it that you are looking for?" Their response, "Jesus of Nazareth." His response, "I AM he. AND THEN! they stepped back and they fell to the ground! I have always wondered WHY? Here are these armed soldiers and big daddy officials, chief priests and Pharisees. The man they want is right in front of them - declaring himself as the man they are looking for... - or not? He was MUCH MORE than what they were looking for - wasn't HE!?! HIS WORDS revealed HIMSELF - and these soldiers, officials, chief priests and Pharisees knew HIS WORDS! He said HE was I AM! and they fell to the ground out of what? reverence? highly unlikely. I cannot judge intent - but I can infer they intellectually comprehended and literally knew the meaning of this phrase that Jesus had just said and ascribed to HIMSELF. HE claimed to be God. They were probably waiting for lightning to strike, and wanted to clear the way for the beat down from heaven! To them Jesus had blasphemed... if in fact he was not who he had claimed to be. Where would they go from that point? Jesus controlled the events that followed by basically assuring them he was who they were seeking so that they would take him and not His disciples. John 18.

PAUSE!

I have to ask myself. Why were some of Jesus words believed - with correct response - and not others? Ahhh my heart hurts yet again.

Seven times in the book of John Jesus calls Himself "I Am". I am the bread of life, John 6:35. I am the light of the world, John 8:12. I am the gate for the sheep, John 10:7,9. I am the good Shepherd, John 10:11,14. I am the resurrection and the life, John 11:25. I am the way, the truth and the life, John 14:6. I am the true vine, John 15:1. Seven. I have much to learn of my God! How patient is the Great I AM!

Back to Martha and Jesus. I am no longer on a page distant from her. I am standing beside her.

"Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. (The I AM - in the flesh - demonstrating a part of HIMSELF to her - to me - as the Resurrection and Life) Anyone who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. DO YOU BELIEVE THIS?'" (emphasis added by me -as these words shout to my soul)

WAIT.

What did these words do to Martha. Lazarus believed in Jesus. That's where I would go. He just said - anyone who believes in HIM though he dies - will live. I would ache to say, "MAKE MY BROTHER LIVE!" I wait for her to speak with much hope in her faith.

"'Yes, Lord,' she told him, 'I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who was to come into the world.'"

What did she just say? Yes. She told him she believes. She told Him she believes so very much! That was huge to proclaim. I'm excited for her! I want to hug her! She believes she is standing with and being comforted and assured of life for her dead brother - wait! does she know this is for her, too? - hmmmm... too big. She knows she is speaking to the SON OF GOD! Martha! I love your words!

Play on.

"After she had said this, she went..."PAUSE A MOMENT! Martha is in action now: NOTE TO SELF - watch her actions based on this conversation. What will she DO?????

Rewind. PLAY ON..

"After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside,"

Hold on! She's going to tell Mary all that Jesus said. I can't wait to find out what Mary is going to do! She is going to freak out! Mary's the emotional one! I know she will bawl with joy about all Jesus has told Martha. I continue to follow Martha and Mary and listen closely.

"'The Teacher is here,' she said, ''and is asking for you.'"

WHAT???? What just happened? What on earth, Martha are you saying? "THE TEACHER?" That's what you are taking away from your conversation? Is that what your HUGE faith boiled down to when you walked away from the Son of God? Why aren't you telling your sister your brother - her brother - is going to live right now! That Jesus the resurrection and the life is going to get Lazarus out of the grave? What am I missing? I want to shake her. She is facing her sister and watches her crying - to go to Jesus - without hope. Martha, you could have given her hope.

"When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there. "

I'm crying beside her as she watched the others leave. I see her clearly. She followed behind them slowly, gathering up scattered dishes and cups and tidying the house on her way out. I come alongside her and whisper through the ages - Martha. Your message of hope could have been heard by others, too? You had been given a gift. A gift to give away. A gift that would have come back to you ten fold. My message comes back unreceived by her to rest on ME. My heart hurts again.

We're at the tomb.

"When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him she fell at his feet and said, "Lord if you had been here, my brother would not have died."

Stop. Focus. New character. What do I see through her words? Same words that Martha had said. Same message repeated, just like Martha. The message could have changed! Martha had been assured and comforted and promised LIFE by Jesus THE SON OF GOD! - and Mary having been with her sister Martha - wouldn't she then hear from exuberant lips what LIFE was to come for Lazarus - for them as a family?!?!? Mary was not given this message and is sad - still. Jesus sees that even though Mary has been with Martha, Martha had not learned and believed anything from her "Lord", "The Messiah" "The Son of God" "The Teacher". Oh my heart! Martha knew him well! But she didn't believe him at all! Jesus would have realized this even before Mary came to him in her tears. It is recorded for my benefit. I see it, too.

I can scarcely take it. I want to shout at Martha! I want to yell at her for being so BLIND to what God gave her to realize ALL BY HERSELF!!! She could have seen and proclaimed to everyone so very much! for the moment to come - I ache for her.

"When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and trouble. 'Where have you laid him?' he asked."
"Come and see, Lord."
"Jesus wept."

Do I realize why he was so moved? Could I really get it? I mean, I have always wondered.. Is it the disbelief? Is that breaking his heart? I never bought into the idea that it was over the fact Lazarus died. Or that Jesus felt badly that he had let them down, as I have heard some speculate. He knew what was about to happen. It was disbelief, wasn't it? I mean - what else could hurt the heart of God - ... more than my disbelief? ....

"Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!"

No! No! No! I am standing there jumping and crying and yelling - unheard by every bystander. He is not crying because he loved him! He is crying because he loves us! and we do not believe! - and many of us will go to the grave in our disbelief and will only realize at the resurrection who He is and what will be our end in not believing Him. Oh my God! my God! What would you have me do with what I realize? I can't take it! I can't take it!

Shhhh...some of them have something to say.

"Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You have got to be kidding me, Lord? Did John really record this incredible statement. They called out their own disease and cure in one statement? PROPHETIC! Where have I read this? Isaiah! "I, the Lord have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness." Isaiah 42:6-7! Yes! I found it! Yes! They will see. Won't they? Do I? Will I?

Watch Jesus. Action. Words. Defining him constantly. Defining others. Defining me.

"Jesus, once more deeply moved," (he heard them, didn't he? - he's moved with heart ache over disbelief. he knows, he knows that he knows - faith is not sight - and many will die never believing until the end - when lack of faith will be so powerfully clear. why must we see to believe?) came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 'Take away the stone,' he said.

He's going to do something!

"But, Lord," said Martha, the sister of the dead man, 'by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days."

OH MY HEART! She has spoken and removed all doubt! She has no faith in HIM! ALLLLLLL she said she knew of Him - was just knowledge NOT belief. The saddest words to me these days are, "but mommy"... I know my children do not trust what I am asking them to do, and I so want them to trust me! How else can I keep them safe? wow. He must have been so frustrated with her! and yet, he must have ached for the world as well. for me. Oh the patience of my GOD!

Jesus - what a beat down he could have put on this woman. The humiliation for her in the instant her brother came forth - the realization of what she could have been a part of on this resurrection day - how she could have been a harbinger of life - how she could have had the greatest I told you so moment of all time. she missed it. no beat down. no punishment. she merely walked through the shadow of her disbelief in great sorrow and came out on the other side realizing the light - the joy - was there all along. and she missed it. for nothing. how painful. to know you suffered for nothing. how merciful of Jesus to bless her in spite of her lack of faith. What she will see will change her - and open her eyes and heart. or not?

"Then Jesus said, 'Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?"

This time. Martha says nothing. Message received. Silenced.

"So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank YOU that YOU (emphasis added by me as I now realize what Martha must have realized) have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me."

When he had said this, Jesus called out in a loud voice, (was His "I told you so" attitude in that volume? cause I think He could have whispered it and Lazarus still would have resurrected),'Lazarus come out!" The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped in strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them. "Take off the grave clothes and let him go."

Wow. Death for Lazarus grave clothes had fulfilled their purpose and that day - the purpose ended. Take off what is for the dead alone. Faith cannot be wrapped in disbelief anymore than grave clothes wrapped around a living man.

Many put their faith in Jesus. Didn't all of them? What? All of them didn't believe? No. Some went away - dead men walking. Knowing much. Believing none of it.

For the rest of her life - what did Martha know. Oh God. What do I? For the rest of her life, what did Martha tell others? What do I? The greatest I told you so moment is coming. i know it. i believe it. will i live what i believe and not shrink away in shame on that day. i want to stand with him. in glory. i want to hug Martha.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your LIFE, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Colossians 3:1-4

Tuesday.

My dad died in a car crash on a Tuesday. It was a rainy morning the day after Memorial day in 1990. Memorial day was filled with lots of family activities, primarily focused on sprucing up the home for the summer to come. Little did the five of us know that all the Lombardo team effort that day would go toward selling the house two months later - instead of enjoying it together for another season. Life for all of us - as we knew it - changed forever. My dad loved God and He followed Christ in life - and on into eternity that day. His faith became sight. For the rest of us - individually and as a family - our faith was interrupted.

I thought I knew God. I thought that if our family lived for Him - we were "safe" in Him. Nothing bad had EVER happened that we could not handle - until May 29th 1990. I could not handle this. I went through every spiritual ritual my heart had once embraced and I was still choking on life. I could not breathe under the weight of this agony. And yet I went on every day - moving slowly and slowly suffocating. Where was God? Did I have a God? What was it to believe in Him if tragedy were going to be allowed to touch my family? my life?

I believed in a god whom I had defined for myself. I had made an image of God that was not correct, and He was waiting for me to seek Him for who He is, not for what I believed Him to be. He is not the God of my happiness providing a palette of life choices I approve. He is not the God of prosperity as I strive for personal goals. He is not the God of safety as I invision safety. He is not the God of dreams come true as I map out my fairy tale. He is not the God of home and family tranquility.

He is God Almighty. I cannot define Him. He lovingly, patiently, mercifully defines Himself for me. I have a lifeline in this world. It is Him. In this life and the next - He is the resurrection and the life. My circumstances, my dreams, my reality do not define the God of the Universe. He is all by Himself - God. I did not look to Him then - because I could only see the idol I had constructed. That god failed me. Jehovah God did not. He saw me. He sees me now. Today is Monday. Tuesday is coming.

"Fear not for I am with thee. Be not dismayed; I am your God." Isaiah 41:10a.