Posts
Do I miss them? Do I long for them even now when the house is currently quiet - empty of the sounds that my babies once brought - empty of the bustle and laughter that my children will bring home from school in a few short hours?
Do I miss those days of weaknesses, and challenges in the midst of discovering a love that I had never known or thought I could feel?
Do I miss those days of - being grown with the growing - holding a precious life in my arms that held me, too... both of us blindly trusting by faith - and with a strength that sometimes - for me and baby - was only realized through the breathing in and breathing out of tears...
When I consider - what I am able to remember of those fragile baby days - do I miss them???
No.
Missing them expresses regret or dissatisfaction - like they left without taking their perfect effect. They had their full effect again and again - and again - and still yet again when I felt that I could not take the joy or pain of them - one. minute. more.
No. I do not miss them. I could not have scripted them better, so there is no missing or longing for their sequel. I revisit them in my memories only to remember that they were mine. They were ours.
What I feel for those days, much like our attempts to re-tell our labor stories, cannot fully be conveyed with words, pictures, or even video. Those baby days had a purpose in my life - and the miracle is not just that we were given them - not just that we survived each one; the miracle is that we grew - all four of us - one at a time, and all at once - in love. And just like I had no words for how I felt in the midst of them then - for fear I would not correctly express my heart and be judged for it - not matter what emotion I happened to collapse upon in the moment, just like that -I have no words for them now.
Those days are a part of me - and by them this mother was made.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
closer than a brother.
Have you ever been lonely? Such a deep ache, isn't it? No matter how extroverted we are, we cannot escape loneliness. And no matter how introverted we are, we crave intimacy. The presence of people in our lives is not intimacy though - is it...?... We long to be known, but even more than that to be found. And not by many people either. No, it doesn't take many to satisfy the longing for intimacy - just one heart - deeply connected to ours.
Proverbs18:24 is a verse that has made me feel rather uncomfortable in my pursuit of intimacy .. It simply reads, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Every time I read this verse, the discussion going on in my heart is the same. It goes a little like this:
One: I love my brothers. They are my flesh and blood, and no matter what has ever come between us - distance or confrontation - we are family. They have embraced me throughout my entire life, and have never rejected me despite my shortcomings. Flesh and blood - what is thicker?
Two: This is God's Word, so it must be true, but I cannot imagine why God would write so boldly that there is friend who is closer to me than my own flesh and blood. Maybe this is written for those times of family - shall we say...???... turmoil ??? Maybe.
Three: I love my friends. How could there be any one of them that is closer to me than my flesh and blood? Is this is what I am supposed to realize in my friendships? That those of us who are one minded with me through our faith in Christ are closer to me than flesh and blood? Is that it? Possibly?
But my brothers are one minded with me in faith. So maybe this isn't a verse for me at all.
If it's not a verse for me, cause I know I can get a little self oriented in God's Word - than considering this verse for anyone - How could this be just one friend throughout our entire life? The word in Proverbs is definitely singular - and I always consider the facts quite critically. "There is a FRIEND"...ONE. How could anyone ever pick which friend in their lifetime has been - or is now - closer than flesh and blood? That seems rather sad for the bond of family - and dividing for the bond among several friendships. Or maybe this is like an "in the moment" kind of thing? Like moment by moment a friend in need is a friend in deed. Sounds stupid.
At 40 years of living, I always chalk up my dissatisfaction to a lack of understanding. Somethings about The Bible -about life - I will never be able to fully grasp - despite my efforts - unless...of course... God is willing to teach me. So - up until yesterday, I have walked away from this passage resolute that this passage and I would never see heart to heart.
Yesterday morning these eternal Words of God and I met up once again - and this time my Teacher opened the flood gates for our conversation. So I read, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Here we go again. I asked, how can this be? Do I really have a friend that is closer to me than my own flesh and blood?
A question is a powerful tool in the learning process. A question - although unsatisfying in itself - is the hope of something more.
God who is this friend?
I stopped and waited in the quiet, instead of rambling on about my issues of flesh and blood and my beloved friends. And since I had been studying John 15 just the day before, God brought it to my mind for this tender moment between He and I. "If you abide in me and if my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish."
I am asking.
Lord, who is this friend? In bold reply John 15 poured out like water from a dam - gushing all over me at my kitchen table so quickly I could scarcely breathe.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you...Greater love has no one than this than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you..." John 15:9,13-14,16
Absolutely, I cried! This is God's Word, and He's speaking to MY heart from it simply because I am sitting there with Him wanting it!
How beautifully God speaks the truth of His Word that it should flow from Himself, Old to New Testament - with such precision and fluidity - and yet stop for but a moment - to capture and fill a human heart! This is the intimacy I was created to know.
Indeed,now I realize, there is no greater bond of friendship than that of blood. How did I miss it? This is Jesus. His blood is our bond of life, and by Him - we have always been found.
Such love. Such love. Such LOVE!
Proverbs18:24 is a verse that has made me feel rather uncomfortable in my pursuit of intimacy .. It simply reads, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Every time I read this verse, the discussion going on in my heart is the same. It goes a little like this:
One: I love my brothers. They are my flesh and blood, and no matter what has ever come between us - distance or confrontation - we are family. They have embraced me throughout my entire life, and have never rejected me despite my shortcomings. Flesh and blood - what is thicker?
Two: This is God's Word, so it must be true, but I cannot imagine why God would write so boldly that there is friend who is closer to me than my own flesh and blood. Maybe this is written for those times of family - shall we say...???... turmoil ??? Maybe.
Three: I love my friends. How could there be any one of them that is closer to me than my flesh and blood? Is this is what I am supposed to realize in my friendships? That those of us who are one minded with me through our faith in Christ are closer to me than flesh and blood? Is that it? Possibly?
But my brothers are one minded with me in faith. So maybe this isn't a verse for me at all.
If it's not a verse for me, cause I know I can get a little self oriented in God's Word - than considering this verse for anyone - How could this be just one friend throughout our entire life? The word in Proverbs is definitely singular - and I always consider the facts quite critically. "There is a FRIEND"...ONE. How could anyone ever pick which friend in their lifetime has been - or is now - closer than flesh and blood? That seems rather sad for the bond of family - and dividing for the bond among several friendships. Or maybe this is like an "in the moment" kind of thing? Like moment by moment a friend in need is a friend in deed. Sounds stupid.
At 40 years of living, I always chalk up my dissatisfaction to a lack of understanding. Somethings about The Bible -about life - I will never be able to fully grasp - despite my efforts - unless...of course... God is willing to teach me. So - up until yesterday, I have walked away from this passage resolute that this passage and I would never see heart to heart.
Yesterday morning these eternal Words of God and I met up once again - and this time my Teacher opened the flood gates for our conversation. So I read, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Here we go again. I asked, how can this be? Do I really have a friend that is closer to me than my own flesh and blood?
A question is a powerful tool in the learning process. A question - although unsatisfying in itself - is the hope of something more.
God who is this friend?
I stopped and waited in the quiet, instead of rambling on about my issues of flesh and blood and my beloved friends. And since I had been studying John 15 just the day before, God brought it to my mind for this tender moment between He and I. "If you abide in me and if my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish."
I am asking.
Lord, who is this friend? In bold reply John 15 poured out like water from a dam - gushing all over me at my kitchen table so quickly I could scarcely breathe.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you...Greater love has no one than this than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you..." John 15:9,13-14,16
Absolutely, I cried! This is God's Word, and He's speaking to MY heart from it simply because I am sitting there with Him wanting it!
How beautifully God speaks the truth of His Word that it should flow from Himself, Old to New Testament - with such precision and fluidity - and yet stop for but a moment - to capture and fill a human heart! This is the intimacy I was created to know.
Indeed,now I realize, there is no greater bond of friendship than that of blood. How did I miss it? This is Jesus. His blood is our bond of life, and by Him - we have always been found.
Such love. Such love. Such LOVE!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Dust.
I can't help but go back to the beginning in trying to figure it all out. When there is a mystery - isn't that where we go? Retracing steps back to the beginning is significant in finding the answer for which we seek.
In fact sitting in a doctor's office, that's exactly what she did. She traced steps from where we were to where we are now. My baby hives - every day without antihistamines. So, the doctor began with her conception. How was my pregnancy? How was the delivery? How was her first week of life? Did I nurse this baby girl? How long did I nurse her? When did I introduce foods? What foods were introduced first? The beginning is critical to where we are now.
The doctor queried further. "Tell me about YOUR history." My history? Not mine alone, however - the two become one; she was asking about mine and my husband's. This baby is combination of the two. Oh what we do not consider before we stand before one another at the alter! This baby we both adore is not just a combination of our love out poured - this baby is a combination of our flesh - our history of flesh. Parents - grandparents - great grandparents all sat with us in this hot room on Delaware Avenue. I was sweating under the scrutiny, and I suddenly felt like the one who was in need of a doctor. The scarlet letter on my chest - D - Diabetes. The scarlet letter on my husband's - L - Leukemia. What a lethal genetic pool we are - and still these babies live and breathe and love out of the dust. I wanted to cry I'm sorry. I still want to tell them how sorry I am this is what they are made of. Would they have chosen not to be born if they knew this is what I had to offer. How can I love them well when I have selfishly brought this upon them? This is how I feel. I wanted them. I knew what I was made of - and even if I didn't know fully what genetic disaster could come of me - I believed we - my husband and I in love - were invincible. What a fool! How can dust be invincible?
EVERY SINGLE DAY we must consider our steps to find an answer for their health - to ensure they continue to live and breathe. How many mothers I now relate to - including my own - who must ache in her heart as she cries out to GOD - HEAL THEM! Not Mohammed. Not Ghandi. Not Buddha. But to JESUS. Jesus was there as the foundations of the world were laid, as man was formed in His image and His own breath infused in the dust of man's shell to give him life. Jesus. You are the Creator. You made all things good. I see the brokenness of a world subjected to sin. I see how sin broke everything - and polluted what was pure. OUR GENETIC GENE POOL REEKS! and I cannot fix it! I can't make it perfect no matter how well I love them, no matter what good I do, no matter what I give my babies to help them endure the discomfort they feel in the skin they wear that is my own. How limited our love is - when it comes from dust that is full of disease. Only God can love them perfectly.
You teach beautiful things. You are not a harsh teacher. You are good. What you teach is good and pure and holy. I am learning a lesson I would have never asked for, and I ache that it must come through the innocence of my babies. They did not ask for this. But God - YOU - who gave them to me not for myself alone - but YOUR purposes - will teach them also.
I believe God will teach us more than I can even imagine. I also believe in a very real enemy who wars against my God to try to make us hate Him, distrust Him - and run from the truth that was established before the dust of the beginning settled. I will run to my God. I will not doubt. I will believe THE TIMELESS WORD of GOD - the light of my path - the lamp on my feet as I hold my children and we stomp forward on grace. I will believe for them - until He teaches their hearts - to believe on their own. I cannot choose faith for them. Oh my heart, I can feed them, nurture them, help them in their discomfort, pray for them, and give them truth upon truth...BUT - only He can make their heart see...and THEY MUST SEE FOR THEMSELVES He is their God.
You teach beautiful things, Lord. Even of this there is a beautiful thing to behold in our understanding.
I believe there is healing, and I believe many get to walk in it even today. I see them - and I see the evidence of my God and praise Him for that. He IS able to heal my children - but what if there is more than that to ask for? I read this morning in the book of Luke, chapter 18, that Jesus asked a blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" vs. 41. My heart was arrested. I love when God stops my heart. I cannot touch my heart - so I know when it is halted to attention and locked on the words that I have read - He is speaking. My eyes held to those words and considered the beginning. This blind man stood before the God of the Universe in flesh. This blind man could have even touched him - and maybe the blind man was touching Him. Did he see that? Did he know? Were the eyes of his heart open to WHO stood before him in that moment - this blind man - out of all the people who would have loved to touch Jesus - let alone be asked "What do you want ME to do for YOU?" And so I cried. Because now it was me - before my God - the same God of the blind man. No I couldn't touch his flesh - I have better. His Spirit indwells me. And so as I sat with Him at my kitchen table - crying out to Him without a word - to heal my children, He asked me. "What do you want Me to do for YOU?" Like a flood the truth poured out over my thoughts. This is my God; the God of my children. This is my redeemer, the redeemer of my children. My healer - yes - my children's healer - yes - but oh so much more - the healer of the nations' children. He made everyone of them.
- He knows what my babies are made of - their very hairs are numbered. He has led us every step of the way from the moment He formed them in my womb knowing full well the dust that would knit their fibers together - and He allowed it. He made them, and will bear them, and carry them, and He will deliver them. So what then? What will I answer my God when He asks, "What do you want me to do for YOU?" One answer came to mind - and it was not the cure for disease - It was simply - THAT THEY WOULD KNOW YOU, THE ONE TRUE GOD. What would it matter if they gained the world, but lost their own soul?
I went back to the beginning. In the beginning God. And He brought to my mind the end. "God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth." Colossians 3:2
My tears settled here. The dust cleared.
You are praying to the God of the Universe. Do you know who it is to whom you are speaking? But what if I don't get what I am asking for? I want them to believe - and I want them well, Lord! I want both!
I then realized in the quiet I had to reconsider my question - as I stared at the verses from Luke 18 in front of me....What will we do - if He does give this gift for which we are asking? - To whom much is given - much is required.
I pray to a God who is Living and Active. I believe He makes beautiful things out of the dust.
Romans 8:28-39 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called he also justified; those he justified he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare HIS OWN SON, but GAVE HIM UP for us all - how will he not also, along with Him - GIVE US ALL THINGS? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then can condemn? No one. Christ Jesus who died - more than that, who was RAISED TO LIFE - is at the right hand of God and is INTERCEDING FOR US. ("what do you want me to do for you?") Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall TROUBLE? or Hardship? or PERSECUTION? or FAMINE? or NAKEDNESS? Or DANGER? Or SWORD? (cuz it's all probable in this broken world!) As it is written:
For your sake we face death ALL DAY LONG! we are considered sheep to be slaughtered.
No, in ALL THESE THINGS we are MORE than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am CONVINCED that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of GOD that is in CHRIST JESUS our LORD!"
In fact sitting in a doctor's office, that's exactly what she did. She traced steps from where we were to where we are now. My baby hives - every day without antihistamines. So, the doctor began with her conception. How was my pregnancy? How was the delivery? How was her first week of life? Did I nurse this baby girl? How long did I nurse her? When did I introduce foods? What foods were introduced first? The beginning is critical to where we are now.
The doctor queried further. "Tell me about YOUR history." My history? Not mine alone, however - the two become one; she was asking about mine and my husband's. This baby is combination of the two. Oh what we do not consider before we stand before one another at the alter! This baby we both adore is not just a combination of our love out poured - this baby is a combination of our flesh - our history of flesh. Parents - grandparents - great grandparents all sat with us in this hot room on Delaware Avenue. I was sweating under the scrutiny, and I suddenly felt like the one who was in need of a doctor. The scarlet letter on my chest - D - Diabetes. The scarlet letter on my husband's - L - Leukemia. What a lethal genetic pool we are - and still these babies live and breathe and love out of the dust. I wanted to cry I'm sorry. I still want to tell them how sorry I am this is what they are made of. Would they have chosen not to be born if they knew this is what I had to offer. How can I love them well when I have selfishly brought this upon them? This is how I feel. I wanted them. I knew what I was made of - and even if I didn't know fully what genetic disaster could come of me - I believed we - my husband and I in love - were invincible. What a fool! How can dust be invincible?
EVERY SINGLE DAY we must consider our steps to find an answer for their health - to ensure they continue to live and breathe. How many mothers I now relate to - including my own - who must ache in her heart as she cries out to GOD - HEAL THEM! Not Mohammed. Not Ghandi. Not Buddha. But to JESUS. Jesus was there as the foundations of the world were laid, as man was formed in His image and His own breath infused in the dust of man's shell to give him life. Jesus. You are the Creator. You made all things good. I see the brokenness of a world subjected to sin. I see how sin broke everything - and polluted what was pure. OUR GENETIC GENE POOL REEKS! and I cannot fix it! I can't make it perfect no matter how well I love them, no matter what good I do, no matter what I give my babies to help them endure the discomfort they feel in the skin they wear that is my own. How limited our love is - when it comes from dust that is full of disease. Only God can love them perfectly.
You teach beautiful things. You are not a harsh teacher. You are good. What you teach is good and pure and holy. I am learning a lesson I would have never asked for, and I ache that it must come through the innocence of my babies. They did not ask for this. But God - YOU - who gave them to me not for myself alone - but YOUR purposes - will teach them also.
I believe God will teach us more than I can even imagine. I also believe in a very real enemy who wars against my God to try to make us hate Him, distrust Him - and run from the truth that was established before the dust of the beginning settled. I will run to my God. I will not doubt. I will believe THE TIMELESS WORD of GOD - the light of my path - the lamp on my feet as I hold my children and we stomp forward on grace. I will believe for them - until He teaches their hearts - to believe on their own. I cannot choose faith for them. Oh my heart, I can feed them, nurture them, help them in their discomfort, pray for them, and give them truth upon truth...BUT - only He can make their heart see...and THEY MUST SEE FOR THEMSELVES He is their God.
You teach beautiful things, Lord. Even of this there is a beautiful thing to behold in our understanding.
I believe there is healing, and I believe many get to walk in it even today. I see them - and I see the evidence of my God and praise Him for that. He IS able to heal my children - but what if there is more than that to ask for? I read this morning in the book of Luke, chapter 18, that Jesus asked a blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" vs. 41. My heart was arrested. I love when God stops my heart. I cannot touch my heart - so I know when it is halted to attention and locked on the words that I have read - He is speaking. My eyes held to those words and considered the beginning. This blind man stood before the God of the Universe in flesh. This blind man could have even touched him - and maybe the blind man was touching Him. Did he see that? Did he know? Were the eyes of his heart open to WHO stood before him in that moment - this blind man - out of all the people who would have loved to touch Jesus - let alone be asked "What do you want ME to do for YOU?" And so I cried. Because now it was me - before my God - the same God of the blind man. No I couldn't touch his flesh - I have better. His Spirit indwells me. And so as I sat with Him at my kitchen table - crying out to Him without a word - to heal my children, He asked me. "What do you want Me to do for YOU?" Like a flood the truth poured out over my thoughts. This is my God; the God of my children. This is my redeemer, the redeemer of my children. My healer - yes - my children's healer - yes - but oh so much more - the healer of the nations' children. He made everyone of them.
- He knows what my babies are made of - their very hairs are numbered. He has led us every step of the way from the moment He formed them in my womb knowing full well the dust that would knit their fibers together - and He allowed it. He made them, and will bear them, and carry them, and He will deliver them. So what then? What will I answer my God when He asks, "What do you want me to do for YOU?" One answer came to mind - and it was not the cure for disease - It was simply - THAT THEY WOULD KNOW YOU, THE ONE TRUE GOD. What would it matter if they gained the world, but lost their own soul?
I went back to the beginning. In the beginning God. And He brought to my mind the end. "God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth." Colossians 3:2
My tears settled here. The dust cleared.
You are praying to the God of the Universe. Do you know who it is to whom you are speaking? But what if I don't get what I am asking for? I want them to believe - and I want them well, Lord! I want both!
I then realized in the quiet I had to reconsider my question - as I stared at the verses from Luke 18 in front of me....What will we do - if He does give this gift for which we are asking? - To whom much is given - much is required.
I pray to a God who is Living and Active. I believe He makes beautiful things out of the dust.
Romans 8:28-39 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called he also justified; those he justified he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare HIS OWN SON, but GAVE HIM UP for us all - how will he not also, along with Him - GIVE US ALL THINGS? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then can condemn? No one. Christ Jesus who died - more than that, who was RAISED TO LIFE - is at the right hand of God and is INTERCEDING FOR US. ("what do you want me to do for you?") Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall TROUBLE? or Hardship? or PERSECUTION? or FAMINE? or NAKEDNESS? Or DANGER? Or SWORD? (cuz it's all probable in this broken world!) As it is written:
For your sake we face death ALL DAY LONG! we are considered sheep to be slaughtered.
No, in ALL THESE THINGS we are MORE than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am CONVINCED that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of GOD that is in CHRIST JESUS our LORD!"
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Resolution.
"For me to live is Christ; to die is gain." Philippians 1:21
If for me to live - ACTUALLY is Christ.... SHEWWWEEEE! giddy up with that thought! Ready for this? If for me to live is Christ - and this means YOU and ME, Believers in The Savior...then consider the miracle of our purpose in God before the foundations of the world began. Oh my heart! Consider the miracle of OUR birth and the miracle of our baptism, and consider that OUR Heavenly Father looked on and affirmed our calling! I can't take it! It's too good! And consider that our flesh and blood were purposed to bring God glory, and purposed to be a temple that would indeed be destroyed, raised up, and filled with the Spirit of God. Consider that we were given everything we need to do and accomplish His good and perfect will. WE were purposed to bring light to those who are in darkness, to bring healing to the sick, food to the poor and the widows, hope to the destitute, and the good news to those who are in bondage - so that they can be free. WE were purposed TO KNOW sorrow and suffering. WE were purposed to ENDURE temptation. WE were purposed to be VICTORIOUS over sin and futile thinking that destroys and tears down. WE were purposed to build up and restore that which evil has annihilated. Consider that our life is directed with precision by the God who gave it. The purpose of our life is sacrifice and IN THAT we are purposed to have joy and joy that is complete.
If for me and you, believer - to die is gain. Than we do not consider what we do not have or what we surrender more than who we are because of God the Father. If for me and you to die is actually gain, than every painful sacrifice is not for us alone, but for those we do not even see face to face - but for those who have gone before and those that come after - who one day we will know and embrace and dine with at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. If for us to die is gain, than we will not mourn as those who have no hope. We will rejoice with every cost and expense that leads us closer to our King and His riches - His treasures that we cannot comprehend or hold in flesh. By faith - we surrender in death our Spirit daily. We give up to God the searing pain, the ridicule, the loneliness, the taunting, the denial - not just by those who would corner themselves against us in battle as a very real enemy - but by those also who would even now call us friends to our faces and perhaps even mean it for today - for their own purposes. If for us to die is gain than we will expect that in our death - mourning will cease - and joy will come at the resurrection day and not a moment sooner - for even mourning will have its full purpose.
To die is gain if for me to live is Christ. In that thought I press toward the mark knowing full well I have not done near enough to die - nor near enough to live out my birth - my purpose in flesh and blood and the Spirit of God. I have not yet been all that He has purposed - and yet still I am - not for me BUT for the one who shaped me in my mother's womb - and molds me even now that I might long for His image in my own skin - in my own heart - that aches to understand "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain"; and yet will ache in each moment of clarity.
"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."
Philippians 1:20
Grace to us all. Much grace is given.
If for me to live - ACTUALLY is Christ.... SHEWWWEEEE! giddy up with that thought! Ready for this? If for me to live is Christ - and this means YOU and ME, Believers in The Savior...then consider the miracle of our purpose in God before the foundations of the world began. Oh my heart! Consider the miracle of OUR birth and the miracle of our baptism, and consider that OUR Heavenly Father looked on and affirmed our calling! I can't take it! It's too good! And consider that our flesh and blood were purposed to bring God glory, and purposed to be a temple that would indeed be destroyed, raised up, and filled with the Spirit of God. Consider that we were given everything we need to do and accomplish His good and perfect will. WE were purposed to bring light to those who are in darkness, to bring healing to the sick, food to the poor and the widows, hope to the destitute, and the good news to those who are in bondage - so that they can be free. WE were purposed TO KNOW sorrow and suffering. WE were purposed to ENDURE temptation. WE were purposed to be VICTORIOUS over sin and futile thinking that destroys and tears down. WE were purposed to build up and restore that which evil has annihilated. Consider that our life is directed with precision by the God who gave it. The purpose of our life is sacrifice and IN THAT we are purposed to have joy and joy that is complete.
If for me and you, believer - to die is gain. Than we do not consider what we do not have or what we surrender more than who we are because of God the Father. If for me and you to die is actually gain, than every painful sacrifice is not for us alone, but for those we do not even see face to face - but for those who have gone before and those that come after - who one day we will know and embrace and dine with at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. If for us to die is gain, than we will not mourn as those who have no hope. We will rejoice with every cost and expense that leads us closer to our King and His riches - His treasures that we cannot comprehend or hold in flesh. By faith - we surrender in death our Spirit daily. We give up to God the searing pain, the ridicule, the loneliness, the taunting, the denial - not just by those who would corner themselves against us in battle as a very real enemy - but by those also who would even now call us friends to our faces and perhaps even mean it for today - for their own purposes. If for us to die is gain than we will expect that in our death - mourning will cease - and joy will come at the resurrection day and not a moment sooner - for even mourning will have its full purpose.
To die is gain if for me to live is Christ. In that thought I press toward the mark knowing full well I have not done near enough to die - nor near enough to live out my birth - my purpose in flesh and blood and the Spirit of God. I have not yet been all that He has purposed - and yet still I am - not for me BUT for the one who shaped me in my mother's womb - and molds me even now that I might long for His image in my own skin - in my own heart - that aches to understand "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain"; and yet will ache in each moment of clarity.
"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."
Philippians 1:20
Grace to us all. Much grace is given.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Dear Julie For You - For Us All
I had to write these words to you that will not let me go - as sure as thoughts of you grip my heart since we last met. I asked God how I should pray for you, my friend. He knows far better than I the needs of your heart. This is where I was led. May you, sweet Julie, be overwhelmed with our Heavenly Daddy's intimate knowledge of you - and care for your heart, for your soul, and your mind and strength... and realize with me, sweet one - the breadth and width of the love of our God - through His WORD - to us - over us - for us - ALWAYS.
God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, BUT - WITH the temptation - will also make the way of ESCAPE - that you may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10: 13. Satan has asked for you - that he may sift you as wheat. BUT I (JESUS) have prayed for you, That YOUR FAITH - should not fail. Luke 22:31-32.
WHATEVER happens as citizens of heaven, live in manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come, and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving TOGETHER with one accord for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in ANY WAY by those who oppose you...For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but to suffer for him, since you are going through the SAME struggle you saw I HAD, and now hear that I STILL HAVE. Philippians 1:27-30
Your eyes - WILL SEE - the King in His beauty. Isaiah 33:17 That at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven, and on earth - and under the earth. Philippians 2:10 We shall see HIM as He is. I John 3:2 In my flesh - I shall see God. Job 19:26 I shall be satisfied when I awake in YOUR likeness. Psalm 17:15
Further my ...Sister...we who serve God by HIS Spirit who put no confidence in the flesh... (That which is born of flesh - IS FLESH, but that which is born of SPIRIT - IS SPIRIT! John 3:6) NOT that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on and take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ...Sister - I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But ONE THING I do - FORGETTING - what is behind and STRAINING toward what is ahead, I PRESS ON - toward the goal - to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14
Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and enjoy SAFE pasture. Take delight - IN THE LORD. And HE will give you - the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:3-4
Therefore my...sisters - whom I love and long for, my joy...stand firm in the Lord in this way...
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:1,4
God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, BUT - WITH the temptation - will also make the way of ESCAPE - that you may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10: 13. Satan has asked for you - that he may sift you as wheat. BUT I (JESUS) have prayed for you, That YOUR FAITH - should not fail. Luke 22:31-32.
WHATEVER happens as citizens of heaven, live in manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come, and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving TOGETHER with one accord for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in ANY WAY by those who oppose you...For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but to suffer for him, since you are going through the SAME struggle you saw I HAD, and now hear that I STILL HAVE. Philippians 1:27-30
Your eyes - WILL SEE - the King in His beauty. Isaiah 33:17 That at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven, and on earth - and under the earth. Philippians 2:10 We shall see HIM as He is. I John 3:2 In my flesh - I shall see God. Job 19:26 I shall be satisfied when I awake in YOUR likeness. Psalm 17:15
Further my ...Sister...we who serve God by HIS Spirit who put no confidence in the flesh... (That which is born of flesh - IS FLESH, but that which is born of SPIRIT - IS SPIRIT! John 3:6) NOT that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on and take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ...Sister - I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But ONE THING I do - FORGETTING - what is behind and STRAINING toward what is ahead, I PRESS ON - toward the goal - to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14
Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and enjoy SAFE pasture. Take delight - IN THE LORD. And HE will give you - the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:3-4
Therefore my...sisters - whom I love and long for, my joy...stand firm in the Lord in this way...
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:1,4
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Got a third breast?
I'm sorry! Does that title gross you out? Call me politically incorrect - or, as my friend Jaime would say, "Here's the line - Here's you," and then she clearly demonstrates I've crossed it with facial expressions and hand gestures that crack me up!!!.... But I know - full well - that what I have called good in my life - is often NOT GOOD at all. And only - ONLY- ONLY - by the grace of God have I been able to realize the futile way of thinking that allowed something to comfort me, encourage me, entertain, support and gratify me, instruct and guide, mold and inspire me, supplement my daily life diet - that was in fact - POISON. I've come to call these potential hazards a third breast. (Sorry, Jaim!) Stay with me, please... I'll explain.
When I have failed to recognize that God is my portion - no matter what it is that I am seeking in this life - I have run to another source of help. Cigarettes. Food. Music. Alcohol. Movies. Friends. T.V. Exercise. Food. Shopping. Books. Magazines. Cooking. Cooking Food. Did I say food? Anyone else with me? What I want isn't always what I need.
Have you ever had a craving, and then you couldn't find what it was you really wanted so you jammed whatever you could find in your mouth just to get you by? I hate those moments. My kids do that constantly. They stand in front of the fridge or the cupboard just looking, like maybe what they're hoping for and not seeing will suddenly appear. My son is famous for this. He tells me he's hungry and then says, "Mommy, I'm hungry for something. I know you are going to say no."
"Try me," I say.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he asks so adorably.
"Like what?" I'll ask, trying to avoid the fact that he was right; I am going to say no.
"Like bubble gum - or a lollipop?"
Like that's going to fill him up? What he's needing is nutrition - something to satisfy his body hunger. What he's going for is something that in his thinking is the perfect choice. AHHHHH! That is so me! I'm an adult and I can soooo clearly see my own thinking as he postures his plea so innocently! ...I want:_________ ...but since that's beyond my control and not readily going to appear any time soon - I'm thinking this: _______ - will be good."
And then what happens? I go for it! I go for what I think is good and will satisfy, and then all of a sudden I grow a third breast. I didn't see it coming, but it's there. I add onto myself something that seemingly is good - but is really not of God's design for me at all. I can justify it though - boy I can justify myself very well before a crystal clear mirror! But it's a breast! A breast is a good thing! A very good thing for crying out loud!!! Really? The enemy is so, so deceptive! He can actually help manipulate my thinking by showing me - as daily the Spirit of God increases my discomfort - and by Him His Spirit is disquieted in me as I try to balance my third breast. My enemy has actually - brilliantly - absolutely brilliant on his wicked part! He has strategically molded and placed other third breasted people in this world! Yes! I kid you not! So then we see each other and we think - "Hey, they're just like me! It must be okay! I'm not alone - and their third breast is actually bigger and more obvious than mine! ...so, I should be able to enjoy and handle it just as well without it ever becoming too much to live with. OH MY HEART!!!! Is anyone else with me in this?
God is El Shaddai. Have you heard this name for our God? It means: "pourer-forth or shedder -forth - of blessings. Shaddai describes power, not violent power but of all-bountiness. Shaddai primarily means breasted - from the Hebrew word Shad - that is "the breast" - that which nourishes - pours forth - blessings, temporal and spiritual. El Shaddai means multi breasted one. Think about that. It is God who is The Source of all blessing - all nourishment - every need met in One God. (Lord, I Want to Know You by Kay Arthur - please check it out!) God called Himself "El Shaddai" - God Almighty in Genesis 17:1-8 when He tells 99 year-old childless Abram that he is going to YET have descendants with whom God ALMIGHTY is going to establish an everlasting covenant. Abram had all he needed IN GOD for this dream - this desire of being a father - of having descendants - to be met in God - and God alone, which is exactly how God wanted it. Abraham had a craving - and he did not trust what God said about how it would be met. (Genesis 15-22 ) So what did Abraham do? He got a third breast. His name was Ishmael. Ishmael would cause increasing discomfort as Abraham sought to balance his will with God's. That never works! Eventually, Abraham was told by God - who knew what was best for Abraham all along - to send Ishmael and his mother away. Abraham obeyed. Sorrowfully? You bet! A mastectomy is never pleasant, but it does heal.
Creator - life giving God - is our source of every need, every want. What I desire - so needs to be examined, and pressed up against, and pressed into my God. What does that look like - pressing my desires into our God? For me ...well...you really wanna know? Cuz you don't have to do it this way - but for me - this is clarity...HUGE! I write out what I am asking God for! Yes! I do! I keep a journal of my conversations - requests to God - and I examine what I am talking to Him about in light of Scripture. And in Scripture is where HE lovingly, mercifully, and gently examines me - what I am asking - examines my heart - all rolled up in the safety and security of His embrace. I learn this way - about me, about what I want - yes - in a way. - But primarily - most importantly so - I learn about OUR El Shaddai. He knows the purpose for what we were made. He knows what we need to achieve that soul satisfying purpose. He is that purpose. Without Him, we do not have life. Oh sure we'll exist - but don't you want to do more than exist? I want to live. I want to live the way I was made to live. Are you with me?
"Take delight IN the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 Praise the Lord, oh my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all of his benefits - who forgives all your sins, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion; who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. Psalm 103:1-5 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your ind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2 Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation...My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. Psalm 62:1,5. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:4
When I have failed to recognize that God is my portion - no matter what it is that I am seeking in this life - I have run to another source of help. Cigarettes. Food. Music. Alcohol. Movies. Friends. T.V. Exercise. Food. Shopping. Books. Magazines. Cooking. Cooking Food. Did I say food? Anyone else with me? What I want isn't always what I need.
Have you ever had a craving, and then you couldn't find what it was you really wanted so you jammed whatever you could find in your mouth just to get you by? I hate those moments. My kids do that constantly. They stand in front of the fridge or the cupboard just looking, like maybe what they're hoping for and not seeing will suddenly appear. My son is famous for this. He tells me he's hungry and then says, "Mommy, I'm hungry for something. I know you are going to say no."
"Try me," I say.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he asks so adorably.
"Like what?" I'll ask, trying to avoid the fact that he was right; I am going to say no.
"Like bubble gum - or a lollipop?"
Like that's going to fill him up? What he's needing is nutrition - something to satisfy his body hunger. What he's going for is something that in his thinking is the perfect choice. AHHHHH! That is so me! I'm an adult and I can soooo clearly see my own thinking as he postures his plea so innocently! ...I want:_________ ...but since that's beyond my control and not readily going to appear any time soon - I'm thinking this: _______ - will be good."
And then what happens? I go for it! I go for what I think is good and will satisfy, and then all of a sudden I grow a third breast. I didn't see it coming, but it's there. I add onto myself something that seemingly is good - but is really not of God's design for me at all. I can justify it though - boy I can justify myself very well before a crystal clear mirror! But it's a breast! A breast is a good thing! A very good thing for crying out loud!!! Really? The enemy is so, so deceptive! He can actually help manipulate my thinking by showing me - as daily the Spirit of God increases my discomfort - and by Him His Spirit is disquieted in me as I try to balance my third breast. My enemy has actually - brilliantly - absolutely brilliant on his wicked part! He has strategically molded and placed other third breasted people in this world! Yes! I kid you not! So then we see each other and we think - "Hey, they're just like me! It must be okay! I'm not alone - and their third breast is actually bigger and more obvious than mine! ...so, I should be able to enjoy and handle it just as well without it ever becoming too much to live with. OH MY HEART!!!! Is anyone else with me in this?
God is El Shaddai. Have you heard this name for our God? It means: "pourer-forth or shedder -forth - of blessings. Shaddai describes power, not violent power but of all-bountiness. Shaddai primarily means breasted - from the Hebrew word Shad - that is "the breast" - that which nourishes - pours forth - blessings, temporal and spiritual. El Shaddai means multi breasted one. Think about that. It is God who is The Source of all blessing - all nourishment - every need met in One God. (Lord, I Want to Know You by Kay Arthur - please check it out!) God called Himself "El Shaddai" - God Almighty in Genesis 17:1-8 when He tells 99 year-old childless Abram that he is going to YET have descendants with whom God ALMIGHTY is going to establish an everlasting covenant. Abram had all he needed IN GOD for this dream - this desire of being a father - of having descendants - to be met in God - and God alone, which is exactly how God wanted it. Abraham had a craving - and he did not trust what God said about how it would be met. (Genesis 15-22 ) So what did Abraham do? He got a third breast. His name was Ishmael. Ishmael would cause increasing discomfort as Abraham sought to balance his will with God's. That never works! Eventually, Abraham was told by God - who knew what was best for Abraham all along - to send Ishmael and his mother away. Abraham obeyed. Sorrowfully? You bet! A mastectomy is never pleasant, but it does heal.
Creator - life giving God - is our source of every need, every want. What I desire - so needs to be examined, and pressed up against, and pressed into my God. What does that look like - pressing my desires into our God? For me ...well...you really wanna know? Cuz you don't have to do it this way - but for me - this is clarity...HUGE! I write out what I am asking God for! Yes! I do! I keep a journal of my conversations - requests to God - and I examine what I am talking to Him about in light of Scripture. And in Scripture is where HE lovingly, mercifully, and gently examines me - what I am asking - examines my heart - all rolled up in the safety and security of His embrace. I learn this way - about me, about what I want - yes - in a way. - But primarily - most importantly so - I learn about OUR El Shaddai. He knows the purpose for what we were made. He knows what we need to achieve that soul satisfying purpose. He is that purpose. Without Him, we do not have life. Oh sure we'll exist - but don't you want to do more than exist? I want to live. I want to live the way I was made to live. Are you with me?
"Take delight IN the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 Praise the Lord, oh my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all of his benefits - who forgives all your sins, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion; who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. Psalm 103:1-5 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your ind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2 Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation...My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. Psalm 62:1,5. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:4
Sunday, November 7, 2010
This house.
We bought our home in 1999. I remember the day we found it. The realtor saved this house for last. I'm sure she knew it would be the one that would grip us to buy. The master bathroom was the romancer that had me at "hello". His and her sinks - smiling sweetly at a loving distance across from one another, and a welcoming jacuzzi tub;... for me ... as a new home buyer - this was a dream.
How could we afford this house? We had agreed before we began our shopping journey that this purchase would be made based on one income - my husband's. How tempting it was to include mine - house after disappointing house. If we would include my income - oh the houses that we could have! That thought pervaded, but our commitment to what we had prayed and what we were sure was direction from God - remained.
Amazing to me now - AMAZING! No audible voice - no printed sign - or pushy well intending parent - this home ownership deal was ours - ours by our God who would lead us. One income thinking was for one purpose only - that I would remain home if I would so choose when we began a family. Can I even just tell you - at this juncture in our growth in Christ - I was not going to Scripture daily, nor was my husband. Can I even just tell you - I could not have brought to mind one verse that told me to seek God's will above my own - to be a worker at home - to consider the needs of my household - above my own...not one verse - only a strong impressed sense in both of our hearts - that to purchase our home on one income was the wise thing to do - despite what we wanted and could own with two.
And can I even just tell you - I AM A MATERIALISTIC PERSON! I am! I constantly have to surrender my wants and desires to my God! And at this juncture - that I would submit to a one income kind of home - BLOWS MY ARROGANT MIND! I would have wanted to impress! I would have wanted to toot my - "I made it through the rain" - horn! Because at this point in my life - I had been divorced - I had shared a dank apartment with a mouse - and I had lost the respect of many people in my life because of my poor decisions. So to be able to shine through my new teacher income and my husband's income in the image of a "HOUSE upon a hill" kinda home - that would have been the longing of my heart. "Look EVERYBODY - I made it!!!" Do you know what I mean? Sad, and ridiculously true.
But - BUT - BUT!!! the grace of God! the help of God continued to cover me - and cover the sweet man who married the risky choice of this gal. Grace covered us both, and God impressed gently, and yet so powerfully, on our hearts to buy our home with one paycheck comin' in the door. I love our God! He made it happen. God alone.
So, this morning I sat in our family room - and because of festivities happening in our house today with friends and our children - and the joy all that brings - I thanked God for our house - for this life I get to live within its walls. And then - as only God can do - he brought to my mind the image of another house - of another life - I once loved, and wanted, and prayed for.
Once upon a time, I loved a house in Akron. It was a beautiful little ranch. Built before my eyes - and not without the help of my own hands in tiny tasks - like picking up stones, scraps from the yard, and garbage that building can bring. I wanted this house, but it was not mine. It was built and belonged to my boyfriend. It was his dream - and he made it happen. Swept up in awe of him, I clung to his strength - to his dream - and the hope that he would wrap me up and carry me into this picture of security.
He did. He asked me be his wife despite the caveat shouting to both of our hearts. He was wrong for me in so many ways - and I for him in equal - or maybe even greater - measure. We did not live for God independently - nor did we live for God in our relationship. A marriage built on sand will fall as surely as the rains will come. And fall it did. The fairytale crumbled around me - and the house I lived in with him could not hold it together.
I am not one to give much weight to dreams, but at times they do reveal our inner struggles - don't they? One night, after crying myself to sleep knowing the divorce date was upon us, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was standing in the kitchen of my Akron house. It was burning - all of it - engulfed in flames - all around me. I stood there - trapped - locked in by the flames and consumed with grief. This house was being destroyed. And then - through the fiery red door - came a man whose face I could not see - but a tall, strong image of a man. He wrapped me up in his arms - and we began to dance. He twirled me - made me smile - and covered me with a sense of safety and joy - almost instantly. I did not see the house - the flames - only him. Through every room on out of the house we danced. Onto the plush, green lawn he twirled me loose - out of his arms - so that I spun around to see the house as it stood complete - but in flames - with me on the outside looking in. I was free.
I woke up. I woke up hugely impacted by the dream. I played it over and over and over in my mind. I would never forget it, but I tucked it away over the years - until several Sunday mornings ago...God unpacked it for me again - so that I could see it play more vividly now then ever before.
Jenna Cowart was leading worship this one morning. Before she began to sing, she asked us to close our eyes, and ask God to speak to us. She asked us to focus on Him, and just allow God to wash over our hearts - our minds - before we worship. I did as she asked - prayerful - still - seeking God. Then the song and the balladeer began. "Our God is an all-consuming fire - a burning holy flame - with glory and freedom. Our God is the only righteous judge ruling over us, with kindness and wisdom. We will keep our eyes on you. Yes we will keep our eyes on you. A mighty fortress is our God. A sacred refuge is your name. Your Kingdom is unshakable. With you forever we will reign. Our God is jealous for His own. None can comprehend his love and his mercy."
And I knew. I knew then, in that moment, what I was reminded of this morning when I began to thank God for this house. The mighty fortress is our God. To cling to anyone or anything else - to give thanks for what I have and where I am - is our God.
"Those who cling to worthless idols sacrifice God's love for them. But I - with shouts of grateful praise - I will sacrifice to you." Jonah 2:8-9
How could we afford this house? We had agreed before we began our shopping journey that this purchase would be made based on one income - my husband's. How tempting it was to include mine - house after disappointing house. If we would include my income - oh the houses that we could have! That thought pervaded, but our commitment to what we had prayed and what we were sure was direction from God - remained.
Amazing to me now - AMAZING! No audible voice - no printed sign - or pushy well intending parent - this home ownership deal was ours - ours by our God who would lead us. One income thinking was for one purpose only - that I would remain home if I would so choose when we began a family. Can I even just tell you - at this juncture in our growth in Christ - I was not going to Scripture daily, nor was my husband. Can I even just tell you - I could not have brought to mind one verse that told me to seek God's will above my own - to be a worker at home - to consider the needs of my household - above my own...not one verse - only a strong impressed sense in both of our hearts - that to purchase our home on one income was the wise thing to do - despite what we wanted and could own with two.
And can I even just tell you - I AM A MATERIALISTIC PERSON! I am! I constantly have to surrender my wants and desires to my God! And at this juncture - that I would submit to a one income kind of home - BLOWS MY ARROGANT MIND! I would have wanted to impress! I would have wanted to toot my - "I made it through the rain" - horn! Because at this point in my life - I had been divorced - I had shared a dank apartment with a mouse - and I had lost the respect of many people in my life because of my poor decisions. So to be able to shine through my new teacher income and my husband's income in the image of a "HOUSE upon a hill" kinda home - that would have been the longing of my heart. "Look EVERYBODY - I made it!!!" Do you know what I mean? Sad, and ridiculously true.
But - BUT - BUT!!! the grace of God! the help of God continued to cover me - and cover the sweet man who married the risky choice of this gal. Grace covered us both, and God impressed gently, and yet so powerfully, on our hearts to buy our home with one paycheck comin' in the door. I love our God! He made it happen. God alone.
So, this morning I sat in our family room - and because of festivities happening in our house today with friends and our children - and the joy all that brings - I thanked God for our house - for this life I get to live within its walls. And then - as only God can do - he brought to my mind the image of another house - of another life - I once loved, and wanted, and prayed for.
Once upon a time, I loved a house in Akron. It was a beautiful little ranch. Built before my eyes - and not without the help of my own hands in tiny tasks - like picking up stones, scraps from the yard, and garbage that building can bring. I wanted this house, but it was not mine. It was built and belonged to my boyfriend. It was his dream - and he made it happen. Swept up in awe of him, I clung to his strength - to his dream - and the hope that he would wrap me up and carry me into this picture of security.
He did. He asked me be his wife despite the caveat shouting to both of our hearts. He was wrong for me in so many ways - and I for him in equal - or maybe even greater - measure. We did not live for God independently - nor did we live for God in our relationship. A marriage built on sand will fall as surely as the rains will come. And fall it did. The fairytale crumbled around me - and the house I lived in with him could not hold it together.
I am not one to give much weight to dreams, but at times they do reveal our inner struggles - don't they? One night, after crying myself to sleep knowing the divorce date was upon us, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was standing in the kitchen of my Akron house. It was burning - all of it - engulfed in flames - all around me. I stood there - trapped - locked in by the flames and consumed with grief. This house was being destroyed. And then - through the fiery red door - came a man whose face I could not see - but a tall, strong image of a man. He wrapped me up in his arms - and we began to dance. He twirled me - made me smile - and covered me with a sense of safety and joy - almost instantly. I did not see the house - the flames - only him. Through every room on out of the house we danced. Onto the plush, green lawn he twirled me loose - out of his arms - so that I spun around to see the house as it stood complete - but in flames - with me on the outside looking in. I was free.
I woke up. I woke up hugely impacted by the dream. I played it over and over and over in my mind. I would never forget it, but I tucked it away over the years - until several Sunday mornings ago...God unpacked it for me again - so that I could see it play more vividly now then ever before.
Jenna Cowart was leading worship this one morning. Before she began to sing, she asked us to close our eyes, and ask God to speak to us. She asked us to focus on Him, and just allow God to wash over our hearts - our minds - before we worship. I did as she asked - prayerful - still - seeking God. Then the song and the balladeer began. "Our God is an all-consuming fire - a burning holy flame - with glory and freedom. Our God is the only righteous judge ruling over us, with kindness and wisdom. We will keep our eyes on you. Yes we will keep our eyes on you. A mighty fortress is our God. A sacred refuge is your name. Your Kingdom is unshakable. With you forever we will reign. Our God is jealous for His own. None can comprehend his love and his mercy."
And I knew. I knew then, in that moment, what I was reminded of this morning when I began to thank God for this house. The mighty fortress is our God. To cling to anyone or anything else - to give thanks for what I have and where I am - is our God.
"Those who cling to worthless idols sacrifice God's love for them. But I - with shouts of grateful praise - I will sacrifice to you." Jonah 2:8-9
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