Baby Days

Do I miss them? Do I long for them even now when the house is currently quiet - empty of the sounds that my babies once brought - empty of the bustle and laughter that my children will bring home from school in a few short hours?

Do I miss those days of weaknesses, and challenges in the midst of discovering a love that I had never known or thought I could feel?

Do I miss those days of - being grown with the growing - holding a precious life in my arms that held me, too... both of us blindly trusting by faith - and with a strength that sometimes - for me and baby - was only realized through the breathing in and breathing out of tears...

When I consider - what I am able to remember of those fragile baby days - do I miss them???

No.

Missing them expresses regret or dissatisfaction - like they left without taking their perfect effect. They had their full effect again and again - and again - and still yet again when I felt that I could not take the joy or pain of them - one. minute. more.

No. I do not miss them. I could not have scripted them better, so there is no missing or longing for their sequel. I revisit them in my memories only to remember that they were mine. They were ours.

What I feel for those days, much like our attempts to re-tell our labor stories, cannot fully be conveyed with words, pictures, or even video. Those baby days had a purpose in my life - and the miracle is not just that we were given them - not just that we survived each one; the miracle is that we grew - all four of us - one at a time, and all at once - in love. And just like I had no words for how I felt in the midst of them then - for fear I would not correctly express my heart and be judged for it - not matter what emotion I happened to collapse upon in the moment, just like that -I have no words for them now.

Those days are a part of me - and by them this mother was made.