Dust.

I can't help but go back to the beginning in trying to figure it all out. When there is a mystery - isn't that where we go? Retracing steps back to the beginning is significant in finding the answer for which we seek.

In fact sitting in a doctor's office, that's exactly what she did. She traced steps from where we were to where we are now. My baby hives - every day without antihistamines. So, the doctor began with her conception. How was my pregnancy? How was the delivery? How was her first week of life? Did I nurse this baby girl? How long did I nurse her? When did I introduce foods? What foods were introduced first? The beginning is critical to where we are now.

The doctor queried further. "Tell me about YOUR history." My history? Not mine alone, however - the two become one; she was asking about mine and my husband's. This baby is combination of the two. Oh what we do not consider before we stand before one another at the alter! This baby we both adore is not just a combination of our love out poured - this baby is a combination of our flesh - our history of flesh. Parents - grandparents - great grandparents all sat with us in this hot room on Delaware Avenue. I was sweating under the scrutiny, and I suddenly felt like the one who was in need of a doctor. The scarlet letter on my chest - D - Diabetes. The scarlet letter on my husband's - L - Leukemia. What a lethal genetic pool we are - and still these babies live and breathe and love out of the dust. I wanted to cry I'm sorry. I still want to tell them how sorry I am this is what they are made of. Would they have chosen not to be born if they knew this is what I had to offer. How can I love them well when I have selfishly brought this upon them? This is how I feel. I wanted them. I knew what I was made of - and even if I didn't know fully what genetic disaster could come of me - I believed we - my husband and I in love - were invincible. What a fool! How can dust be invincible?

EVERY SINGLE DAY we must consider our steps to find an answer for their health - to ensure they continue to live and breathe. How many mothers I now relate to - including my own - who must ache in her heart as she cries out to GOD - HEAL THEM! Not Mohammed. Not Ghandi. Not Buddha. But to JESUS. Jesus was there as the foundations of the world were laid, as man was formed in His image and His own breath infused in the dust of man's shell to give him life. Jesus. You are the Creator. You made all things good. I see the brokenness of a world subjected to sin. I see how sin broke everything - and polluted what was pure. OUR GENETIC GENE POOL REEKS! and I cannot fix it! I can't make it perfect no matter how well I love them, no matter what good I do, no matter what I give my babies to help them endure the discomfort they feel in the skin they wear that is my own. How limited our love is - when it comes from dust that is full of disease. Only God can love them perfectly.

You teach beautiful things. You are not a harsh teacher. You are good. What you teach is good and pure and holy. I am learning a lesson I would have never asked for, and I ache that it must come through the innocence of my babies. They did not ask for this. But God - YOU - who gave them to me not for myself alone - but YOUR purposes - will teach them also.

I believe God will teach us more than I can even imagine. I also believe in a very real enemy who wars against my God to try to make us hate Him, distrust Him - and run from the truth that was established before the dust of the beginning settled. I will run to my God. I will not doubt. I will believe THE TIMELESS WORD of GOD - the light of my path - the lamp on my feet as I hold my children and we stomp forward on grace. I will believe for them - until He teaches their hearts - to believe on their own. I cannot choose faith for them. Oh my heart, I can feed them, nurture them, help them in their discomfort, pray for them, and give them truth upon truth...BUT - only He can make their heart see...and THEY MUST SEE FOR THEMSELVES He is their God.

You teach beautiful things, Lord. Even of this there is a beautiful thing to behold in our understanding.

I believe there is healing, and I believe many get to walk in it even today. I see them - and I see the evidence of my God and praise Him for that. He IS able to heal my children - but what if there is more than that to ask for? I read this morning in the book of Luke, chapter 18, that Jesus asked a blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" vs. 41. My heart was arrested. I love when God stops my heart. I cannot touch my heart - so I know when it is halted to attention and locked on the words that I have read - He is speaking. My eyes held to those words and considered the beginning. This blind man stood before the God of the Universe in flesh. This blind man could have even touched him - and maybe the blind man was touching Him. Did he see that? Did he know? Were the eyes of his heart open to WHO stood before him in that moment - this blind man - out of all the people who would have loved to touch Jesus - let alone be asked "What do you want ME to do for YOU?" And so I cried. Because now it was me - before my God - the same God of the blind man. No I couldn't touch his flesh - I have better. His Spirit indwells me. And so as I sat with Him at my kitchen table - crying out to Him without a word - to heal my children, He asked me. "What do you want Me to do for YOU?" Like a flood the truth poured out over my thoughts. This is my God; the God of my children. This is my redeemer, the redeemer of my children. My healer - yes - my children's healer - yes - but oh so much more - the healer of the nations' children. He made everyone of them.

- He knows what my babies are made of - their very hairs are numbered. He has led us every step of the way from the moment He formed them in my womb knowing full well the dust that would knit their fibers together - and He allowed it. He made them, and will bear them, and carry them, and He will deliver them. So what then? What will I answer my God when He asks, "What do you want me to do for YOU?" One answer came to mind - and it was not the cure for disease - It was simply - THAT THEY WOULD KNOW YOU, THE ONE TRUE GOD. What would it matter if they gained the world, but lost their own soul?

I went back to the beginning. In the beginning God. And He brought to my mind the end. "God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4

"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth." Colossians 3:2

My tears settled here. The dust cleared.

You are praying to the God of the Universe. Do you know who it is to whom you are speaking? But what if I don't get what I am asking for? I want them to believe - and I want them well, Lord! I want both!

I then realized in the quiet I had to reconsider my question - as I stared at the verses from Luke 18 in front of me....What will we do - if He does give this gift for which we are asking? - To whom much is given - much is required.

I pray to a God who is Living and Active. I believe He makes beautiful things out of the dust.

Romans 8:28-39 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called he also justified; those he justified he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare HIS OWN SON, but GAVE HIM UP for us all - how will he not also, along with Him - GIVE US ALL THINGS? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then can condemn? No one. Christ Jesus who died - more than that, who was RAISED TO LIFE - is at the right hand of God and is INTERCEDING FOR US. ("what do you want me to do for you?") Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall TROUBLE? or Hardship? or PERSECUTION? or FAMINE? or NAKEDNESS? Or DANGER? Or SWORD? (cuz it's all probable in this broken world!) As it is written:

For your sake we face death ALL DAY LONG! we are considered sheep to be slaughtered.

No, in ALL THESE THINGS we are MORE than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am CONVINCED that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of GOD that is in CHRIST JESUS our LORD!"