Resolution.

"For me to live is Christ; to die is gain." Philippians 1:21

If for me to live - ACTUALLY is Christ.... SHEWWWEEEE! giddy up with that thought! Ready for this? If for me to live is Christ - and this means YOU and ME, Believers in The Savior...then consider the miracle of our purpose in God before the foundations of the world began. Oh my heart! Consider the miracle of OUR birth and the miracle of our baptism, and consider that OUR Heavenly Father looked on and affirmed our calling! I can't take it! It's too good! And consider that our flesh and blood were purposed to bring God glory, and purposed to be a temple that would indeed be destroyed, raised up, and filled with the Spirit of God. Consider that we were given everything we need to do and accomplish His good and perfect will. WE were purposed to bring light to those who are in darkness, to bring healing to the sick, food to the poor and the widows, hope to the destitute, and the good news to those who are in bondage - so that they can be free. WE were purposed TO KNOW sorrow and suffering. WE were purposed to ENDURE temptation. WE were purposed to be VICTORIOUS over sin and futile thinking that destroys and tears down. WE were purposed to build up and restore that which evil has annihilated. Consider that our life is directed with precision by the God who gave it. The purpose of our life is sacrifice and IN THAT we are purposed to have joy and joy that is complete.

If for me and you, believer - to die is gain. Than we do not consider what we do not have or what we surrender more than who we are because of God the Father. If for me and you to die is actually gain, than every painful sacrifice is not for us alone, but for those we do not even see face to face - but for those who have gone before and those that come after - who one day we will know and embrace and dine with at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. If for us to die is gain, than we will not mourn as those who have no hope. We will rejoice with every cost and expense that leads us closer to our King and His riches - His treasures that we cannot comprehend or hold in flesh. By faith - we surrender in death our Spirit daily. We give up to God the searing pain, the ridicule, the loneliness, the taunting, the denial - not just by those who would corner themselves against us in battle as a very real enemy - but by those also who would even now call us friends to our faces and perhaps even mean it for today - for their own purposes. If for us to die is gain than we will expect that in our death - mourning will cease - and joy will come at the resurrection day and not a moment sooner - for even mourning will have its full purpose.

To die is gain if for me to live is Christ. In that thought I press toward the mark knowing full well I have not done near enough to die - nor near enough to live out my birth - my purpose in flesh and blood and the Spirit of God. I have not yet been all that He has purposed - and yet still I am - not for me BUT for the one who shaped me in my mother's womb - and molds me even now that I might long for His image in my own skin - in my own heart - that aches to understand "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain"; and yet will ache in each moment of clarity.

"I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death."
Philippians 1:20

Grace to us all. Much grace is given.

Dear Julie For You - For Us All

I had to write these words to you that will not let me go - as sure as thoughts of you grip my heart since we last met. I asked God how I should pray for you, my friend. He knows far better than I the needs of your heart. This is where I was led. May you, sweet Julie, be overwhelmed with our Heavenly Daddy's intimate knowledge of you - and care for your heart, for your soul, and your mind and strength... and realize with me, sweet one - the breadth and width of the love of our God - through His WORD - to us - over us - for us - ALWAYS.

God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, BUT - WITH the temptation - will also make the way of ESCAPE - that you may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10: 13. Satan has asked for you - that he may sift you as wheat. BUT I (JESUS) have prayed for you, That YOUR FAITH - should not fail. Luke 22:31-32.

WHATEVER happens as citizens of heaven, live in manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come, and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving TOGETHER with one accord for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in ANY WAY by those who oppose you...For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but to suffer for him, since you are going through the SAME struggle you saw I HAD, and now hear that I STILL HAVE. Philippians 1:27-30

Your eyes - WILL SEE - the King in His beauty. Isaiah 33:17 That at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven, and on earth - and under the earth. Philippians 2:10 We shall see HIM as He is. I John 3:2 In my flesh - I shall see God. Job 19:26 I shall be satisfied when I awake in YOUR likeness. Psalm 17:15

Further my ...Sister...we who serve God by HIS Spirit who put no confidence in the flesh... (That which is born of flesh - IS FLESH, but that which is born of SPIRIT - IS SPIRIT! John 3:6) NOT that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on and take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ...Sister - I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But ONE THING I do - FORGETTING - what is behind and STRAINING toward what is ahead, I PRESS ON - toward the goal - to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14

Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and enjoy SAFE pasture. Take delight - IN THE LORD. And HE will give you - the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:3-4

Therefore my...sisters - whom I love and long for, my joy...stand firm in the Lord in this way...
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:1,4

Got a third breast?

I'm sorry! Does that title gross you out? Call me politically incorrect - or, as my friend Jaime would say, "Here's the line - Here's you," and then she clearly demonstrates I've crossed it with facial expressions and hand gestures that crack me up!!!.... But I know - full well - that what I have called good in my life - is often NOT GOOD at all. And only - ONLY- ONLY - by the grace of God have I been able to realize the futile way of thinking that allowed something to comfort me, encourage me, entertain, support and gratify me, instruct and guide, mold and inspire me, supplement my daily life diet - that was in fact - POISON. I've come to call these potential hazards a third breast. (Sorry, Jaim!) Stay with me, please... I'll explain.

When I have failed to recognize that God is my portion - no matter what it is that I am seeking in this life - I have run to another source of help. Cigarettes. Food. Music. Alcohol. Movies. Friends. T.V. Exercise. Food. Shopping. Books. Magazines. Cooking. Cooking Food. Did I say food? Anyone else with me? What I want isn't always what I need.

Have you ever had a craving, and then you couldn't find what it was you really wanted so you jammed whatever you could find in your mouth just to get you by? I hate those moments. My kids do that constantly. They stand in front of the fridge or the cupboard just looking, like maybe what they're hoping for and not seeing will suddenly appear. My son is famous for this. He tells me he's hungry and then says, "Mommy, I'm hungry for something. I know you are going to say no."
"Try me," I say.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he asks so adorably.
"Like what?" I'll ask, trying to avoid the fact that he was right; I am going to say no.
"Like bubble gum - or a lollipop?"

Like that's going to fill him up? What he's needing is nutrition - something to satisfy his body hunger. What he's going for is something that in his thinking is the perfect choice. AHHHHH! That is so me! I'm an adult and I can soooo clearly see my own thinking as he postures his plea so innocently! ...I want:_________ ...but since that's beyond my control and not readily going to appear any time soon - I'm thinking this: _______ - will be good."

And then what happens? I go for it! I go for what I think is good and will satisfy, and then all of a sudden I grow a third breast. I didn't see it coming, but it's there. I add onto myself something that seemingly is good - but is really not of God's design for me at all. I can justify it though - boy I can justify myself very well before a crystal clear mirror! But it's a breast! A breast is a good thing! A very good thing for crying out loud!!! Really? The enemy is so, so deceptive! He can actually help manipulate my thinking by showing me - as daily the Spirit of God increases my discomfort - and by Him His Spirit is disquieted in me as I try to balance my third breast. My enemy has actually - brilliantly - absolutely brilliant on his wicked part! He has strategically molded and placed other third breasted people in this world! Yes! I kid you not! So then we see each other and we think - "Hey, they're just like me! It must be okay! I'm not alone - and their third breast is actually bigger and more obvious than mine! ...so, I should be able to enjoy and handle it just as well without it ever becoming too much to live with. OH MY HEART!!!! Is anyone else with me in this?

God is El Shaddai. Have you heard this name for our God? It means: "pourer-forth or shedder -forth - of blessings. Shaddai describes power, not violent power but of all-bountiness. Shaddai primarily means breasted - from the Hebrew word Shad - that is "the breast" - that which nourishes - pours forth - blessings, temporal and spiritual. El Shaddai means multi breasted one. Think about that. It is God who is The Source of all blessing - all nourishment - every need met in One God. (Lord, I Want to Know You by Kay Arthur - please check it out!) God called Himself "El Shaddai" - God Almighty in Genesis 17:1-8 when He tells 99 year-old childless Abram that he is going to YET have descendants with whom God ALMIGHTY is going to establish an everlasting covenant. Abram had all he needed IN GOD for this dream - this desire of being a father - of having descendants - to be met in God - and God alone, which is exactly how God wanted it. Abraham had a craving - and he did not trust what God said about how it would be met. (Genesis 15-22 ) So what did Abraham do? He got a third breast. His name was Ishmael. Ishmael would cause increasing discomfort as Abraham sought to balance his will with God's. That never works! Eventually, Abraham was told by God - who knew what was best for Abraham all along - to send Ishmael and his mother away. Abraham obeyed. Sorrowfully? You bet! A mastectomy is never pleasant, but it does heal.

Creator - life giving God - is our source of every need, every want. What I desire - so needs to be examined, and pressed up against, and pressed into my God. What does that look like - pressing my desires into our God? For me ...well...you really wanna know? Cuz you don't have to do it this way - but for me - this is clarity...HUGE! I write out what I am asking God for! Yes! I do! I keep a journal of my conversations - requests to God - and I examine what I am talking to Him about in light of Scripture. And in Scripture is where HE lovingly, mercifully, and gently examines me - what I am asking - examines my heart - all rolled up in the safety and security of His embrace. I learn this way - about me, about what I want - yes - in a way. - But primarily - most importantly so - I learn about OUR El Shaddai. He knows the purpose for what we were made. He knows what we need to achieve that soul satisfying purpose. He is that purpose. Without Him, we do not have life. Oh sure we'll exist - but don't you want to do more than exist? I want to live. I want to live the way I was made to live. Are you with me?

"Take delight IN the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 Praise the Lord, oh my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all of his benefits - who forgives all your sins, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion; who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. Psalm 103:1-5 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your ind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2 Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation...My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. Psalm 62:1,5. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:4

This house.

We bought our home in 1999. I remember the day we found it. The realtor saved this house for last. I'm sure she knew it would be the one that would grip us to buy. The master bathroom was the romancer that had me at "hello". His and her sinks - smiling sweetly at a loving distance across from one another, and a welcoming jacuzzi tub;... for me ... as a new home buyer - this was a dream.

How could we afford this house? We had agreed before we began our shopping journey that this purchase would be made based on one income - my husband's. How tempting it was to include mine - house after disappointing house. If we would include my income - oh the houses that we could have! That thought pervaded, but our commitment to what we had prayed and what we were sure was direction from God - remained.

Amazing to me now - AMAZING! No audible voice - no printed sign - or pushy well intending parent - this home ownership deal was ours - ours by our God who would lead us. One income thinking was for one purpose only - that I would remain home if I would so choose when we began a family. Can I even just tell you - at this juncture in our growth in Christ - I was not going to Scripture daily, nor was my husband. Can I even just tell you - I could not have brought to mind one verse that told me to seek God's will above my own - to be a worker at home - to consider the needs of my household - above my own...not one verse - only a strong impressed sense in both of our hearts - that to purchase our home on one income was the wise thing to do - despite what we wanted and could own with two.

And can I even just tell you - I AM A MATERIALISTIC PERSON! I am! I constantly have to surrender my wants and desires to my God! And at this juncture - that I would submit to a one income kind of home - BLOWS MY ARROGANT MIND! I would have wanted to impress! I would have wanted to toot my - "I made it through the rain" - horn! Because at this point in my life - I had been divorced - I had shared a dank apartment with a mouse - and I had lost the respect of many people in my life because of my poor decisions. So to be able to shine through my new teacher income and my husband's income in the image of a "HOUSE upon a hill" kinda home - that would have been the longing of my heart. "Look EVERYBODY - I made it!!!" Do you know what I mean? Sad, and ridiculously true.

But - BUT - BUT!!! the grace of God! the help of God continued to cover me - and cover the sweet man who married the risky choice of this gal. Grace covered us both, and God impressed gently, and yet so powerfully, on our hearts to buy our home with one paycheck comin' in the door. I love our God! He made it happen. God alone.

So, this morning I sat in our family room - and because of festivities happening in our house today with friends and our children - and the joy all that brings - I thanked God for our house - for this life I get to live within its walls. And then - as only God can do - he brought to my mind the image of another house - of another life - I once loved, and wanted, and prayed for.

Once upon a time, I loved a house in Akron. It was a beautiful little ranch. Built before my eyes - and not without the help of my own hands in tiny tasks - like picking up stones, scraps from the yard, and garbage that building can bring. I wanted this house, but it was not mine. It was built and belonged to my boyfriend. It was his dream - and he made it happen. Swept up in awe of him, I clung to his strength - to his dream - and the hope that he would wrap me up and carry me into this picture of security.

He did. He asked me be his wife despite the caveat shouting to both of our hearts. He was wrong for me in so many ways - and I for him in equal - or maybe even greater - measure. We did not live for God independently - nor did we live for God in our relationship. A marriage built on sand will fall as surely as the rains will come. And fall it did. The fairytale crumbled around me - and the house I lived in with him could not hold it together.

I am not one to give much weight to dreams, but at times they do reveal our inner struggles - don't they? One night, after crying myself to sleep knowing the divorce date was upon us, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was standing in the kitchen of my Akron house. It was burning - all of it - engulfed in flames - all around me. I stood there - trapped - locked in by the flames and consumed with grief. This house was being destroyed. And then - through the fiery red door - came a man whose face I could not see - but a tall, strong image of a man. He wrapped me up in his arms - and we began to dance. He twirled me - made me smile - and covered me with a sense of safety and joy - almost instantly. I did not see the house - the flames - only him. Through every room on out of the house we danced. Onto the plush, green lawn he twirled me loose - out of his arms - so that I spun around to see the house as it stood complete - but in flames - with me on the outside looking in. I was free.

I woke up. I woke up hugely impacted by the dream. I played it over and over and over in my mind. I would never forget it, but I tucked it away over the years - until several Sunday mornings ago...God unpacked it for me again - so that I could see it play more vividly now then ever before.

Jenna Cowart was leading worship this one morning. Before she began to sing, she asked us to close our eyes, and ask God to speak to us. She asked us to focus on Him, and just allow God to wash over our hearts - our minds - before we worship. I did as she asked - prayerful - still - seeking God. Then the song and the balladeer began. "Our God is an all-consuming fire - a burning holy flame - with glory and freedom. Our God is the only righteous judge ruling over us, with kindness and wisdom. We will keep our eyes on you. Yes we will keep our eyes on you. A mighty fortress is our God. A sacred refuge is your name. Your Kingdom is unshakable. With you forever we will reign. Our God is jealous for His own. None can comprehend his love and his mercy."

And I knew. I knew then, in that moment, what I was reminded of this morning when I began to thank God for this house. The mighty fortress is our God. To cling to anyone or anything else - to give thanks for what I have and where I am - is our God.

"Those who cling to worthless idols sacrifice God's love for them. But I - with shouts of grateful praise - I will sacrifice to you." Jonah 2:8-9

My Grandparents' Farm

Softly woke the world today
in autumn's subtle hue.

And morning breathed so sweet and cool,
she crystallized the dew.

A lazy pond that's vacant now
exhales a misty sigh,

For way off in the distance he can hear
the wild geese cry.

I wrote this poem when I was 17. My grandparents have been in heaven for a few years now, but I think of them often - especially this time of year when I anticipate my favorite holiday with all the smells of Grace from God cooking in the oven - and His love surrounded at our table - brimming over from our hearts. Although they are not with us - I sense them in my mother's mannerisms - her sentimentality -love of words and music - her apron - her Bitner nose - her laugh. She is their legacy, and she is good at it.

My uncle - my mother's brother is dying. I went and sat by his bedside the other day. I must tell you, this was not an easy choice. I am not one compelled to attend to the sick and dying. My heart is fragile and I cry so easily. I have never been close to my uncle. He was big and strong, and an offense to him was felt by all. So even though I remember times he pulled me up on his lap, funny things he said that made me laugh, or even though I remember still - the moment - the chair where he sat - and how I was simply walking past and said, "hello" -... I remember that he told me in that moment - long ago - that I was like a breath of fresh air; such comforting thoughts to carry with me when I was in his presence, but still he scared me most of the time. I, in spite of my fear, felt an urgency to go to see him. I argued with myself that I would not be wanted, and that I would be in the way. But the urgency would not let me rest. I prayed that if God wanted me to have time with Him - then He would have to give me entrance into that ICU, and I would trust he would and move, because I am His daughter.

As I approached the ICU, I could see it maybe 30 feet ahead of me - a nurse was pushing a bed through it's wide open doors. I heard in my heart, "run". And so I did. And when I entered, and turned to go to my uncle's room - there was my aunt, her grandson, and my cousin. She welcomed me - hugged me and told me how to gown up with mask and gloves and know he may sleep - but that I could go and sit with him. My cousin walked me to his glass walled room and even helped me put everything on so that he would be protected from outside germs that I might bring in. And then they were all gone.

It was just he and I - and yet - I knew we were not alone. The presence of God - a holy hush - settled in on my heart, and I was moved to tears as I prayed for this man that I saw - once again - through the eyes of a child that ran and played on his farm - the 18 year-old girl that lived under his roof my senior year of high school, and ate Captain Crunch at his breakfast table while he sipped coffee and a breakfast shake. This is my uncle; he is my grandparents - my mother - my own blood.

Words seemed silly in such a delicaate moment. But I spoke them anyway -fumbling to gather them - while I suppressed my fear of his reaction. He is a powerful man in my memory - and that image holds my respect no matter how frail - how sick he may be. I spoke gently this poem I've shared with you here - and thanked him for ducks, and cows and sheep filled memories of his farm where my brother's and I could play with rabbits, and chase chickens, and feed pigs slop. I thanked him for letting me live in his house - and told him I was sorry I did not thank him more. He smiled. And then the tears would not stop. He turned to me and squeezed my hand. "Don't cry."

I opened my journal and began to read to him. I didn't dare look at his eyes, for fear he would disapprove of the words I spoke with much conviction - and love. John 8:12...John 9:5. John 10:14. John 11:23-25. John 14:6. John 15:1. John 14:22 all the way to "Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." And then I knelt beside him and prayed for light. He said as I knelt there, "Tell Bonnie to get Jack." I told him she was coming. He repeated it again, "Tell Bonnie to get Jack." "They'll be here," I assured him. Hold I thought. Please hold. I watched his vital signs of green lines and numbers. Life is still in you. There is time to live full life even now, my uncle. Right now we can know full life. I could not stop crying. He looked at me again. I smiled at him. "I want to take this from you," was all I could say. He closed his eyes.

He turned to me and said, "Sit down." I thanked him for inviting me to stay and pulled the chair beside him.I gave him some of the liquid he could have by a spoon. He took two swallows, and closed his eyes again. I lowered my head and continued to pray. He drifted to sleep, and would open his eyes from time to time to see if I was still there. I would say, "I do not want to leave you." And I would say, "I'm just sitting here praying for you. You sleep." And I said, "You're not alone." He responded that time, "I know." He said a little later, "I have to get up. I have to get out of the way." I said, "You have to rest." He smiled.

And as time always does, time urged me to leave. The bus would be coming and my children would be waiting. Life would go on outside that room where he was captive, and I did not want to leave him there. Full life, I thought. You can know full life right here. Right now. I told him I was going to go, but I wanted to see him again - thinking of heaven, but hoping for 8:00 p.m. that night. "I love you," he said. My uncle has never told me he loved me. It is written on my heart forever. "I love you, too, " I said. I have never told my uncle I loved him either.

I left in tears, but comforted by the understanding of grace, of love, of the Spirit that compels me. This was a good day to sit in silence with a man who is dying. This was a good day to grow up beside my uncle. We were not alone.

A Familar Place Called Wait.

I'm in a place of discomfort, Lord; a longing place for you to sit beside me for awhile right here - where there is an empty seat. I'm in a wanting place; wanting to hear your voice of direction; a quiet place, Lord. I'm in a place of restless emotions that cry for you to settle me right where I am, or send me in the direction that I am supposed to GO. I'm in a hard place, Lord; a place like rock. I am in a place called Wait. I am here listening for a Word. A Word from you, Lord; I am listening for a Word from you.

Do you know where I am, Lord?

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I fee from your presence?" Psalm 139:7

I hear this verse. I do.

Do you know this place, Lord? This place of Wait?

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:9

Yes. I hear this verse, Lord.

This is a hard place. A place like Rock, Lord. You are much stronger than I am.

"The Lord is the strength of his people, a fortress of salvation for his anointed one." Psalm 28:8
"To you, Lord, I call: You are my Rock. Do not turn a deaf ear to me." Psalm 28:1

Are you hear now, Lord? I hear your Scripture in my head. It is in my heart. Is that you bringing it to my mind? I have sought you and seek you like air, Lord, in this Great Book you have given me to know you. I hear your Scripture, Lord all day. You are always speaking. You know that I know this. What I want is a Word from you that is specific to the need of my heart right now in this place of Wait. That Word from you, that intimate Daddy Word that is so personal and directional that it will change my circumstances today for the rest of my life. I am waiting on that Word that will wrap itself around my heart and echo through my life as part of your story in me forever. I am waiting on that Word that is our eye to eye moment, Lord. You and Me. You in me. You through me: piercing Word.

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

I know you direct my waiting, Lord. I know.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?" Isaiah 40:28

Ahhh, yes. I know this one, too. Lord. I do. Isaiah 4O:31 "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength..." I know this one, too.

"What do you know?"

Are you asking me to consider more Scripture, Lord? The Bible heroes? I know your people waited on a Word from you. I know.

"What do you know?"

Alright. I know...let's see. Direct my thinking, Lord. What do I know?
I know Noah waited on a Word in the ark while water covered the earth. Abraham waited on a Word while he climbed the mountain to sacrifice his only son. Moses waited on a Word while living in the desert for forty years.

I do know.

"What do you know?"

Okay. More. I know David waited on a Word from you when he was faced with his enemy, King Saul. Solomon waited on a Word for wisdom in leading Israel . Nehemiah waited on a Word to rebuild the temple.

Yes, Lord. I know. I know that your people waited on a Word from you.

Isaiah waited on a Word from you to tell of the Messiah. Simeon waited to behold The Word. Paul, Timothy, John, all waited to behold His return.

I do know. I know, Lord.

"What do you know?"

I know, Lord, that your people have always waited on you; your people have always waited on your Word.

Teach me, please, why is this good? Why is this a good thing, Lord? Why do you make your people come to this place of Wait? Direct my thinking, by your Spirit.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God." Isaiah 40:28

Back to Isaiah 40. I learned this as a child. Lord, this word - everlasting. What is this to me? To my understanding? It is a term of exhaustion. Yet there it defines you without exhaustion. You are everlasting - a God that reaches around and holds the confinement of time - and beyond it you are there, and still beyond that.

"What do you know?"

"The Creator of the ends of the earth." Isaiah 40:28

You made it all. The vast expanse of earth - the boundaries of it. The ends of it? It will cease, then. Won't it?

"What do you know?"

Isaiah 40.

"He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. " Isaiah 40:28

I should not try to figure this out, Lord should I? At forty years old, I should expect to be in a place of Wait. Who am I, right? Is that the right question? Who am I to be elsewhere?

"What do you know?"

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall:" Isaiah 40:29-30

This place of Wait has nothing to do with who I think I am in my skin at forty, does it? I may think I know where I should be, and I may think I know where I should have been by now, but you are beyond my age or frame or boundaries.

"What do you know?"

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:31

You are my strength.

"What do you know?"

"They will soar on wings like eagles." Isaiah 40:31

I will see above this place of Wait - and beyond it.

"What do you know?"

"They will run and not grow weary." Isaiah 40:31

When I feel like I am moving at a pace that is beyond my capacity - I will be able.

"What do you know?"

"They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

When I get to slow to a pace of ease - I will still be strong enough to still keep going.

It is good to be in a place of Wait. This is a good teaching place, Lord. I know. It will cease. I will move from here, and I will have perspective, and strength I did not have before. I know.

"What do you know?"

More? We're not done? More. Okay. Direct my thinking, Lord. What do I know?

I know that your people have waited long and hard for your Word. I know that you have always brought your people to a place of Wait. I know that you have brought them through this place and you have used your people, the place of Wait, and beyond it, for your glory.

"What do you know?"

I know - well - I know your people! Oh God! I do know your people! People I get to see with my own eyes, touch, and love, people who live for you in my lifetime - who have told of your story in their lives - when you have been with them in a place of Wait!

I know that Wes and Connie Aarum waited on your Word in a little town of Arcade.
I know that Jerry and Edie Gillis waited on your Word in the beautiful state of Georgia.
I know that Benji and Jenna Cowart waited on your Word in a small apartment in Florida.

I know that Kathy Freeman waits on your Word beside her husband, Russel, in Tulsa.
I know that Melissa Lombardo waited on your Word in Mannheim, Germany for her husband, my brother Lt. Col. Thomas Lombardo serving in Iraq.
I know that Bonnie Lombardo Wells waits on your Word every single morning at 5 a.m. in the city of Lockport - begging for every word you might give her to read and know and keep.

I know that this is a place of your people. I know your people. I know that you love them. I know I am counted among them. I know.

"What do you know?"
I am loved?

What do you know?
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of Justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30:18

"What do you know?"
I am blessed!
"What do you know?"
I AM blessed!
"What do you know?"
I am BLESSED!
What more do I possibly need to know in this place of Wait? I am blessed, Lord. Grateful now, and blessed.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? That I am the everlasting God."

flight.

"I know whom I have believed." 2 Timothy 1:12

Those who know me well know the sad truth that I do not like air travel. It is an exercise of faith every time I step onto an airplane. For me the entire flight is spent in prayer begging God for my life and fighting the imaginations that feed my fat, insatiable fear.

I hate that I have any fear. I hate that I am so very skilled at feeding fear. Shoveling detailed images from my mind into the gaping mouth of fear physically hurts. And fear most definitely does not reveal the Spirit of God that I believe indwells me. Fear reveals the pitiful shell of me.

In my younger years I traveled by airplane with much excitement! Loved the adventure! Couldn't wait to board the plane and feel it lifting off. Ireland, England, Florida,Tennessee, Las Vegas, Mexico, North Carolina, Australia for crying out loud!!! - wherever! I loved to travel! How then was my fear birthed? One flight. That was all it took. On one flight into Buffalo the plane I was on had trouble with the landing gear. After several loud attempts the landing gear had not come down, and so the emergency lighting inside the plane went on. Panic consumed me. I literally felt overcome with fear. Just breathing took effort. I cried in quiet, sleeve stifled hysterics while the man beside me, whose hand I grabbed without permission - assured me the aircraft would land despite the difficulty. We did land, but I would never fly again without a new fear, a grotesque and hungry monster that lives to coil around my gut at any moment in the cold, stale, pressingly small, tight, inescapable carcass of a plane.

Have I stopped flying? Of course not! Because then, in my warped mind, what I fear will become real! Right? Then it's as if I have confirmed for all of life - my life - my husband and children with me - for my family and friends - that death for me and for those I love is going to be by plane. Ludicrous. My grandmother had a fear of traveling far from home. Just that: fear of leaving home. She died in a chair in a very safe nursing home at 86. One breath - and she was gone. Fear that was life confining and fear that was totally unfounded. I consider this carefully, I assure you - and by her story I assure myself.

My pastor once asked me, "Does God need a plane to kill you?" Hard question to ponder - the reality that one day God will in fact take life from me. The answer however is simple: no. Our every heart beat - our every breath- is a gift that can and will be taken from us - by the will of God. That I can control what that end of life as I now know it will look like and feel like is plain stupid - arrogant, sure - but more than that - stupid. So I fly. I fly and suppress the fear monster with every bit of faith I have been given to employ.

We traveled to Dallas, Texas on 9/10 - yes, I was well aware this was the day before the anniversary of 9/11 - and did indeed contemplate how terrorists may like to do a countdown type of strategy with the U.S. to our final destruction - one plane and national site at a time - you know...9/11 -9/10-9/9 - a countdown with the dates...I know - I'm pathetic - I tell you - PATHETIC! But anyway we were on this flight from Buffalo to Newark on to Dallas to visit family. My children were so excited for - absolutely - the plane ride. To see their thrill of stepping on board the aircraft - while touching the side of the plane that would rise high above the earth and cut through clouds - was beautiful. To see the excitement on their faces as we peered down at the earth below and looked out at billowy skies - was beautiful. I longed for childlike faith. LOOOONGGGEEED for it! Beautiful, peaceful faith that does not look for harm, but looks for wonder and amazement. Who gets that but children?!?!

They contemplated the sherbet dripping heavens at sunset while I contemplated all the tragedies God has allowed in this world. Their bowl of perspective was so much more enjoyable - but I could not bring myself to taste from it.

From the devastation of the world to the persecution of His saints, from the sinking of the Titanic to the attacks on 9/11. "God," I prayed, "you allow so many horrible tragedies. Why should I think you would not allow me or my children to experience horror? I refuse not to be ready for it, God. Tragedy for me - for us is possible. Right now. I'm ready." God was silent. One verse kept going through my mind as I watched the sunset from the window of my self inflicted tomb. "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament shows His handwork."

"This is not helping, " I prayed. "I know you made the heavens. I know they are miraculous. I also know that well-intended, brave astronauts have slipped the surly bounds of earth to touch the face of God. "So, I still do not want to be this high - or higher still. "I'm not dong well with the heavens declaring the glory of God, Lord, " I prayed. The verse repeated as if to tell me my feelings did not concern truth.

I held a book in my sweaty hands, Faith Beyond Reason by A. W. Tozer. I had opened it, and tried to read it, to learn something that I could tool with through this flight - but I could only read the title again, and again, and again. Faith Beyond Reason.

"God, " I prayed again, "you allow so many tragedies. Why should I think you would not allow me or my children to experience horror?" Faith Beyond Reason. Faith Beyond Reason. Faith Beyond Reason. I read over and over and over, as images from Life is Beautiful the story of the holocaust, http://www.zuguide.com/#Life-is-Beautiful played before my tear filled eyes. "God, your people have always suffered. Why should I believe that you would not allow me or my children to experience horror?"

Now, let me be clear here - I do not believe that I have ever heard the audible voice of God - but I know as sure as I know that someone somewhere is reading this blog (and for that I thank you!) I know that I received at this point in my banter of shallow inaudible thinking - I received an answer that I could not have given myself. It was simply and unforgettably this: "Faith is not based on what I have done. Faith is not based on what I will do. Faith is based on who I am." So upon this thought - I now had nothing to say. Because to argue this truth was pointless. "You are God," I prayed. "You are in heaven, and I am on earth. You are my God." I continued for just a few moments more to stare at the book I held. Faith Beyond Reason. Then I closed my eyes and went to sleep on a plane for the very first time in a very long time.

What is most amusing to me, and why I write this entry today, is that had I actually opened the book I held in my lap and focused my thoughts I would have read then - what I read this morning - and what God was so gracious to teach me in spite of myself. Tozer writes:

"How can we get over the idea that God exists just to help run their businesses or fly their airplanes? God is not a railway porter who carries your suitcase and serves you. God is God. He made heaven and earth. He holds the world in His hand. He measures the dust of the earth in the balance. He spreads out the sky like a mantle. He is the Great God Almighty. He is not your servant. He is your Father, and you are His child. He sits in heaven, and you are on the earth...You cannot come to God with bargaining and with promises. But if you will throw yourself recklessly upon God, trust His character, trust the merits of His Son, you will have the petition you have asked of Him. You can have this confidence in God, and you can have this respect for His will. Do not expect God to perform miracles for you so you can write books about them. Do not ever be caught asking God to send you toys like that to play around with. But if you are in trouble and concerned about your situation and willing to be honest with God, you can have confidence in Him. You can go to Him in the merit of His Son, claiming His promises, and He will not let you down. God will help you, and you will find the way of deliverance. God will move heaven and earth for you if you will trust Him."

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him." Psalm 34:8