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Do I miss them? Do I long for them even now when the house is currently quiet - empty of the sounds that my babies once brought - empty of the bustle and laughter that my children will bring home from school in a few short hours?
Do I miss those days of weaknesses, and challenges in the midst of discovering a love that I had never known or thought I could feel?
Do I miss those days of - being grown with the growing - holding a precious life in my arms that held me, too... both of us blindly trusting by faith - and with a strength that sometimes - for me and baby - was only realized through the breathing in and breathing out of tears...
When I consider - what I am able to remember of those fragile baby days - do I miss them???
No.
Missing them expresses regret or dissatisfaction - like they left without taking their perfect effect. They had their full effect again and again - and again - and still yet again when I felt that I could not take the joy or pain of them - one. minute. more.
No. I do not miss them. I could not have scripted them better, so there is no missing or longing for their sequel. I revisit them in my memories only to remember that they were mine. They were ours.
What I feel for those days, much like our attempts to re-tell our labor stories, cannot fully be conveyed with words, pictures, or even video. Those baby days had a purpose in my life - and the miracle is not just that we were given them - not just that we survived each one; the miracle is that we grew - all four of us - one at a time, and all at once - in love. And just like I had no words for how I felt in the midst of them then - for fear I would not correctly express my heart and be judged for it - not matter what emotion I happened to collapse upon in the moment, just like that -I have no words for them now.
Those days are a part of me - and by them this mother was made.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
closer than a brother.
Have you ever been lonely? Such a deep ache, isn't it? No matter how extroverted we are, we cannot escape loneliness. And no matter how introverted we are, we crave intimacy. The presence of people in our lives is not intimacy though - is it...?... We long to be known, but even more than that to be found. And not by many people either. No, it doesn't take many to satisfy the longing for intimacy - just one heart - deeply connected to ours.
Proverbs18:24 is a verse that has made me feel rather uncomfortable in my pursuit of intimacy .. It simply reads, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Every time I read this verse, the discussion going on in my heart is the same. It goes a little like this:
One: I love my brothers. They are my flesh and blood, and no matter what has ever come between us - distance or confrontation - we are family. They have embraced me throughout my entire life, and have never rejected me despite my shortcomings. Flesh and blood - what is thicker?
Two: This is God's Word, so it must be true, but I cannot imagine why God would write so boldly that there is friend who is closer to me than my own flesh and blood. Maybe this is written for those times of family - shall we say...???... turmoil ??? Maybe.
Three: I love my friends. How could there be any one of them that is closer to me than my flesh and blood? Is this is what I am supposed to realize in my friendships? That those of us who are one minded with me through our faith in Christ are closer to me than flesh and blood? Is that it? Possibly?
But my brothers are one minded with me in faith. So maybe this isn't a verse for me at all.
If it's not a verse for me, cause I know I can get a little self oriented in God's Word - than considering this verse for anyone - How could this be just one friend throughout our entire life? The word in Proverbs is definitely singular - and I always consider the facts quite critically. "There is a FRIEND"...ONE. How could anyone ever pick which friend in their lifetime has been - or is now - closer than flesh and blood? That seems rather sad for the bond of family - and dividing for the bond among several friendships. Or maybe this is like an "in the moment" kind of thing? Like moment by moment a friend in need is a friend in deed. Sounds stupid.
At 40 years of living, I always chalk up my dissatisfaction to a lack of understanding. Somethings about The Bible -about life - I will never be able to fully grasp - despite my efforts - unless...of course... God is willing to teach me. So - up until yesterday, I have walked away from this passage resolute that this passage and I would never see heart to heart.
Yesterday morning these eternal Words of God and I met up once again - and this time my Teacher opened the flood gates for our conversation. So I read, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Here we go again. I asked, how can this be? Do I really have a friend that is closer to me than my own flesh and blood?
A question is a powerful tool in the learning process. A question - although unsatisfying in itself - is the hope of something more.
God who is this friend?
I stopped and waited in the quiet, instead of rambling on about my issues of flesh and blood and my beloved friends. And since I had been studying John 15 just the day before, God brought it to my mind for this tender moment between He and I. "If you abide in me and if my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish."
I am asking.
Lord, who is this friend? In bold reply John 15 poured out like water from a dam - gushing all over me at my kitchen table so quickly I could scarcely breathe.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you...Greater love has no one than this than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you..." John 15:9,13-14,16
Absolutely, I cried! This is God's Word, and He's speaking to MY heart from it simply because I am sitting there with Him wanting it!
How beautifully God speaks the truth of His Word that it should flow from Himself, Old to New Testament - with such precision and fluidity - and yet stop for but a moment - to capture and fill a human heart! This is the intimacy I was created to know.
Indeed,now I realize, there is no greater bond of friendship than that of blood. How did I miss it? This is Jesus. His blood is our bond of life, and by Him - we have always been found.
Such love. Such love. Such LOVE!
Proverbs18:24 is a verse that has made me feel rather uncomfortable in my pursuit of intimacy .. It simply reads, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
Every time I read this verse, the discussion going on in my heart is the same. It goes a little like this:
One: I love my brothers. They are my flesh and blood, and no matter what has ever come between us - distance or confrontation - we are family. They have embraced me throughout my entire life, and have never rejected me despite my shortcomings. Flesh and blood - what is thicker?
Two: This is God's Word, so it must be true, but I cannot imagine why God would write so boldly that there is friend who is closer to me than my own flesh and blood. Maybe this is written for those times of family - shall we say...???... turmoil ??? Maybe.
Three: I love my friends. How could there be any one of them that is closer to me than my flesh and blood? Is this is what I am supposed to realize in my friendships? That those of us who are one minded with me through our faith in Christ are closer to me than flesh and blood? Is that it? Possibly?
But my brothers are one minded with me in faith. So maybe this isn't a verse for me at all.
If it's not a verse for me, cause I know I can get a little self oriented in God's Word - than considering this verse for anyone - How could this be just one friend throughout our entire life? The word in Proverbs is definitely singular - and I always consider the facts quite critically. "There is a FRIEND"...ONE. How could anyone ever pick which friend in their lifetime has been - or is now - closer than flesh and blood? That seems rather sad for the bond of family - and dividing for the bond among several friendships. Or maybe this is like an "in the moment" kind of thing? Like moment by moment a friend in need is a friend in deed. Sounds stupid.
At 40 years of living, I always chalk up my dissatisfaction to a lack of understanding. Somethings about The Bible -about life - I will never be able to fully grasp - despite my efforts - unless...of course... God is willing to teach me. So - up until yesterday, I have walked away from this passage resolute that this passage and I would never see heart to heart.
Yesterday morning these eternal Words of God and I met up once again - and this time my Teacher opened the flood gates for our conversation. So I read, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Here we go again. I asked, how can this be? Do I really have a friend that is closer to me than my own flesh and blood?
A question is a powerful tool in the learning process. A question - although unsatisfying in itself - is the hope of something more.
God who is this friend?
I stopped and waited in the quiet, instead of rambling on about my issues of flesh and blood and my beloved friends. And since I had been studying John 15 just the day before, God brought it to my mind for this tender moment between He and I. "If you abide in me and if my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish."
I am asking.
Lord, who is this friend? In bold reply John 15 poured out like water from a dam - gushing all over me at my kitchen table so quickly I could scarcely breathe.
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you...Greater love has no one than this than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you..." John 15:9,13-14,16
Absolutely, I cried! This is God's Word, and He's speaking to MY heart from it simply because I am sitting there with Him wanting it!
How beautifully God speaks the truth of His Word that it should flow from Himself, Old to New Testament - with such precision and fluidity - and yet stop for but a moment - to capture and fill a human heart! This is the intimacy I was created to know.
Indeed,now I realize, there is no greater bond of friendship than that of blood. How did I miss it? This is Jesus. His blood is our bond of life, and by Him - we have always been found.
Such love. Such love. Such LOVE!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Dust.
I can't help but go back to the beginning in trying to figure it all out. When there is a mystery - isn't that where we go? Retracing steps back to the beginning is significant in finding the answer for which we seek.
In fact sitting in a doctor's office, that's exactly what she did. She traced steps from where we were to where we are now. My baby hives - every day without antihistamines. So, the doctor began with her conception. How was my pregnancy? How was the delivery? How was her first week of life? Did I nurse this baby girl? How long did I nurse her? When did I introduce foods? What foods were introduced first? The beginning is critical to where we are now.
The doctor queried further. "Tell me about YOUR history." My history? Not mine alone, however - the two become one; she was asking about mine and my husband's. This baby is combination of the two. Oh what we do not consider before we stand before one another at the alter! This baby we both adore is not just a combination of our love out poured - this baby is a combination of our flesh - our history of flesh. Parents - grandparents - great grandparents all sat with us in this hot room on Delaware Avenue. I was sweating under the scrutiny, and I suddenly felt like the one who was in need of a doctor. The scarlet letter on my chest - D - Diabetes. The scarlet letter on my husband's - L - Leukemia. What a lethal genetic pool we are - and still these babies live and breathe and love out of the dust. I wanted to cry I'm sorry. I still want to tell them how sorry I am this is what they are made of. Would they have chosen not to be born if they knew this is what I had to offer. How can I love them well when I have selfishly brought this upon them? This is how I feel. I wanted them. I knew what I was made of - and even if I didn't know fully what genetic disaster could come of me - I believed we - my husband and I in love - were invincible. What a fool! How can dust be invincible?
EVERY SINGLE DAY we must consider our steps to find an answer for their health - to ensure they continue to live and breathe. How many mothers I now relate to - including my own - who must ache in her heart as she cries out to GOD - HEAL THEM! Not Mohammed. Not Ghandi. Not Buddha. But to JESUS. Jesus was there as the foundations of the world were laid, as man was formed in His image and His own breath infused in the dust of man's shell to give him life. Jesus. You are the Creator. You made all things good. I see the brokenness of a world subjected to sin. I see how sin broke everything - and polluted what was pure. OUR GENETIC GENE POOL REEKS! and I cannot fix it! I can't make it perfect no matter how well I love them, no matter what good I do, no matter what I give my babies to help them endure the discomfort they feel in the skin they wear that is my own. How limited our love is - when it comes from dust that is full of disease. Only God can love them perfectly.
You teach beautiful things. You are not a harsh teacher. You are good. What you teach is good and pure and holy. I am learning a lesson I would have never asked for, and I ache that it must come through the innocence of my babies. They did not ask for this. But God - YOU - who gave them to me not for myself alone - but YOUR purposes - will teach them also.
I believe God will teach us more than I can even imagine. I also believe in a very real enemy who wars against my God to try to make us hate Him, distrust Him - and run from the truth that was established before the dust of the beginning settled. I will run to my God. I will not doubt. I will believe THE TIMELESS WORD of GOD - the light of my path - the lamp on my feet as I hold my children and we stomp forward on grace. I will believe for them - until He teaches their hearts - to believe on their own. I cannot choose faith for them. Oh my heart, I can feed them, nurture them, help them in their discomfort, pray for them, and give them truth upon truth...BUT - only He can make their heart see...and THEY MUST SEE FOR THEMSELVES He is their God.
You teach beautiful things, Lord. Even of this there is a beautiful thing to behold in our understanding.
I believe there is healing, and I believe many get to walk in it even today. I see them - and I see the evidence of my God and praise Him for that. He IS able to heal my children - but what if there is more than that to ask for? I read this morning in the book of Luke, chapter 18, that Jesus asked a blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" vs. 41. My heart was arrested. I love when God stops my heart. I cannot touch my heart - so I know when it is halted to attention and locked on the words that I have read - He is speaking. My eyes held to those words and considered the beginning. This blind man stood before the God of the Universe in flesh. This blind man could have even touched him - and maybe the blind man was touching Him. Did he see that? Did he know? Were the eyes of his heart open to WHO stood before him in that moment - this blind man - out of all the people who would have loved to touch Jesus - let alone be asked "What do you want ME to do for YOU?" And so I cried. Because now it was me - before my God - the same God of the blind man. No I couldn't touch his flesh - I have better. His Spirit indwells me. And so as I sat with Him at my kitchen table - crying out to Him without a word - to heal my children, He asked me. "What do you want Me to do for YOU?" Like a flood the truth poured out over my thoughts. This is my God; the God of my children. This is my redeemer, the redeemer of my children. My healer - yes - my children's healer - yes - but oh so much more - the healer of the nations' children. He made everyone of them.
- He knows what my babies are made of - their very hairs are numbered. He has led us every step of the way from the moment He formed them in my womb knowing full well the dust that would knit their fibers together - and He allowed it. He made them, and will bear them, and carry them, and He will deliver them. So what then? What will I answer my God when He asks, "What do you want me to do for YOU?" One answer came to mind - and it was not the cure for disease - It was simply - THAT THEY WOULD KNOW YOU, THE ONE TRUE GOD. What would it matter if they gained the world, but lost their own soul?
I went back to the beginning. In the beginning God. And He brought to my mind the end. "God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth." Colossians 3:2
My tears settled here. The dust cleared.
You are praying to the God of the Universe. Do you know who it is to whom you are speaking? But what if I don't get what I am asking for? I want them to believe - and I want them well, Lord! I want both!
I then realized in the quiet I had to reconsider my question - as I stared at the verses from Luke 18 in front of me....What will we do - if He does give this gift for which we are asking? - To whom much is given - much is required.
I pray to a God who is Living and Active. I believe He makes beautiful things out of the dust.
Romans 8:28-39 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called he also justified; those he justified he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare HIS OWN SON, but GAVE HIM UP for us all - how will he not also, along with Him - GIVE US ALL THINGS? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then can condemn? No one. Christ Jesus who died - more than that, who was RAISED TO LIFE - is at the right hand of God and is INTERCEDING FOR US. ("what do you want me to do for you?") Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall TROUBLE? or Hardship? or PERSECUTION? or FAMINE? or NAKEDNESS? Or DANGER? Or SWORD? (cuz it's all probable in this broken world!) As it is written:
For your sake we face death ALL DAY LONG! we are considered sheep to be slaughtered.
No, in ALL THESE THINGS we are MORE than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am CONVINCED that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of GOD that is in CHRIST JESUS our LORD!"
In fact sitting in a doctor's office, that's exactly what she did. She traced steps from where we were to where we are now. My baby hives - every day without antihistamines. So, the doctor began with her conception. How was my pregnancy? How was the delivery? How was her first week of life? Did I nurse this baby girl? How long did I nurse her? When did I introduce foods? What foods were introduced first? The beginning is critical to where we are now.
The doctor queried further. "Tell me about YOUR history." My history? Not mine alone, however - the two become one; she was asking about mine and my husband's. This baby is combination of the two. Oh what we do not consider before we stand before one another at the alter! This baby we both adore is not just a combination of our love out poured - this baby is a combination of our flesh - our history of flesh. Parents - grandparents - great grandparents all sat with us in this hot room on Delaware Avenue. I was sweating under the scrutiny, and I suddenly felt like the one who was in need of a doctor. The scarlet letter on my chest - D - Diabetes. The scarlet letter on my husband's - L - Leukemia. What a lethal genetic pool we are - and still these babies live and breathe and love out of the dust. I wanted to cry I'm sorry. I still want to tell them how sorry I am this is what they are made of. Would they have chosen not to be born if they knew this is what I had to offer. How can I love them well when I have selfishly brought this upon them? This is how I feel. I wanted them. I knew what I was made of - and even if I didn't know fully what genetic disaster could come of me - I believed we - my husband and I in love - were invincible. What a fool! How can dust be invincible?
EVERY SINGLE DAY we must consider our steps to find an answer for their health - to ensure they continue to live and breathe. How many mothers I now relate to - including my own - who must ache in her heart as she cries out to GOD - HEAL THEM! Not Mohammed. Not Ghandi. Not Buddha. But to JESUS. Jesus was there as the foundations of the world were laid, as man was formed in His image and His own breath infused in the dust of man's shell to give him life. Jesus. You are the Creator. You made all things good. I see the brokenness of a world subjected to sin. I see how sin broke everything - and polluted what was pure. OUR GENETIC GENE POOL REEKS! and I cannot fix it! I can't make it perfect no matter how well I love them, no matter what good I do, no matter what I give my babies to help them endure the discomfort they feel in the skin they wear that is my own. How limited our love is - when it comes from dust that is full of disease. Only God can love them perfectly.
You teach beautiful things. You are not a harsh teacher. You are good. What you teach is good and pure and holy. I am learning a lesson I would have never asked for, and I ache that it must come through the innocence of my babies. They did not ask for this. But God - YOU - who gave them to me not for myself alone - but YOUR purposes - will teach them also.
I believe God will teach us more than I can even imagine. I also believe in a very real enemy who wars against my God to try to make us hate Him, distrust Him - and run from the truth that was established before the dust of the beginning settled. I will run to my God. I will not doubt. I will believe THE TIMELESS WORD of GOD - the light of my path - the lamp on my feet as I hold my children and we stomp forward on grace. I will believe for them - until He teaches their hearts - to believe on their own. I cannot choose faith for them. Oh my heart, I can feed them, nurture them, help them in their discomfort, pray for them, and give them truth upon truth...BUT - only He can make their heart see...and THEY MUST SEE FOR THEMSELVES He is their God.
You teach beautiful things, Lord. Even of this there is a beautiful thing to behold in our understanding.
I believe there is healing, and I believe many get to walk in it even today. I see them - and I see the evidence of my God and praise Him for that. He IS able to heal my children - but what if there is more than that to ask for? I read this morning in the book of Luke, chapter 18, that Jesus asked a blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" vs. 41. My heart was arrested. I love when God stops my heart. I cannot touch my heart - so I know when it is halted to attention and locked on the words that I have read - He is speaking. My eyes held to those words and considered the beginning. This blind man stood before the God of the Universe in flesh. This blind man could have even touched him - and maybe the blind man was touching Him. Did he see that? Did he know? Were the eyes of his heart open to WHO stood before him in that moment - this blind man - out of all the people who would have loved to touch Jesus - let alone be asked "What do you want ME to do for YOU?" And so I cried. Because now it was me - before my God - the same God of the blind man. No I couldn't touch his flesh - I have better. His Spirit indwells me. And so as I sat with Him at my kitchen table - crying out to Him without a word - to heal my children, He asked me. "What do you want Me to do for YOU?" Like a flood the truth poured out over my thoughts. This is my God; the God of my children. This is my redeemer, the redeemer of my children. My healer - yes - my children's healer - yes - but oh so much more - the healer of the nations' children. He made everyone of them.
- He knows what my babies are made of - their very hairs are numbered. He has led us every step of the way from the moment He formed them in my womb knowing full well the dust that would knit their fibers together - and He allowed it. He made them, and will bear them, and carry them, and He will deliver them. So what then? What will I answer my God when He asks, "What do you want me to do for YOU?" One answer came to mind - and it was not the cure for disease - It was simply - THAT THEY WOULD KNOW YOU, THE ONE TRUE GOD. What would it matter if they gained the world, but lost their own soul?
I went back to the beginning. In the beginning God. And He brought to my mind the end. "God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. there shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away." Revelation 21:4
"Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth." Colossians 3:2
My tears settled here. The dust cleared.
You are praying to the God of the Universe. Do you know who it is to whom you are speaking? But what if I don't get what I am asking for? I want them to believe - and I want them well, Lord! I want both!
I then realized in the quiet I had to reconsider my question - as I stared at the verses from Luke 18 in front of me....What will we do - if He does give this gift for which we are asking? - To whom much is given - much is required.
I pray to a God who is Living and Active. I believe He makes beautiful things out of the dust.
Romans 8:28-39 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called he also justified; those he justified he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare HIS OWN SON, but GAVE HIM UP for us all - how will he not also, along with Him - GIVE US ALL THINGS? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then can condemn? No one. Christ Jesus who died - more than that, who was RAISED TO LIFE - is at the right hand of God and is INTERCEDING FOR US. ("what do you want me to do for you?") Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall TROUBLE? or Hardship? or PERSECUTION? or FAMINE? or NAKEDNESS? Or DANGER? Or SWORD? (cuz it's all probable in this broken world!) As it is written:
For your sake we face death ALL DAY LONG! we are considered sheep to be slaughtered.
No, in ALL THESE THINGS we are MORE than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am CONVINCED that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of GOD that is in CHRIST JESUS our LORD!"
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