growing in love

I remember when he was born 8 years and 9 months ago today. His life was as miraculous to me then as it is now. He is me and my husband and he is created in the image of our God. Astounding that flesh and blood are wrapped in the eternal image of God. What do I do with such a gift? Daily I ask that God would help me guide and teach his heart to reflect the heart of his Creator. Would God have given me a son if this request were not possible? As I consider the good and the bad influences of men - those here and now men, and men long ago... maybe that's not the question. Maybe I should be asking would God have placed this desire on my heart if it were not His desire? Oh how true is His Word! "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 May this word to us - bless our children always and be their blessing to live out as well for their children.

He is eight today, and so I am reflective on - not just his beginning - his life in ours since then - but also the still small moments I have touched him, taught him, and held his heart with mine. Love such love, such powerful love in a mother's heart. Do I fully express this love? Is that the question? No. That is not the question. How do I express this love? THAT is indeed what I must consider....every single day, and sometimes one breath given and one held back at a time.

My favorite love story begins with a boy, His Father, and His mother. In the story it is the mother who invokes love in the child's heart. And it is His Father who teaches Him love's responsibility. He learned well, and He loved well, because He was loved and taught so well.

Oh that God would bless our story. No. Again I've misspoken. Oh how God HAS blessed our story! ALL of us! He has indeed given us much to know - and learn - and share of His love.

"For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalm 100:3

I prayed this verse for my son this morning. And when I finished my eyes were lead to Psalm 101, so that I would know what Jesus has prayed for - and also died for - this boy to know and live. Let me share it with you here. I am overwhelmed again as I type each word that comes to life before my eyes - and hoping in this image of Jesus through David's Psalm for my own son.

Psalm 100
I will sing of your love and justice;
to you, Lord, I will sing praise.
I will be careful to lead a blameless life -
when will you come to me?

I will conduct the affairs of my house with a blameless heart.
I will not look with approval on anything that is vile.

I hate what faithless people do;
I will have no part in it.
The perverse of heart shall be far from me;
I will have nothing to do with what is evil.

Whoever slanders their neighbor in secret,
I will put to silence;
Whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart,
I will not endure.

My eyes will be on the faithful in the land,
that they may dwell with me;
those whose walk is blameless
will minister to me.

No one who practices deceit will dwell in my house;
no one who speaks falsely
will stand in my presence.

Every morning I will put to silence
all the wicked in the land;
I will cut off every evildoer
from the city of the Lord.



And so I joined Him in this prayer, and thanked Him through tears that He will grow us in His love - together. It is His will - His good and perfect will. And His will is secure.

How DEEPLY profound and intimate is the love of our God. Oh how I pray you know this love! Seek Him at His Word. He will speak to you in a way that no one else ever could. Eye to eye - heart to heart - in the delicate place you hold on to hope; yes, yes dear reader, He is really there...loving you. right now.

mean mommy.

I don't give my children many choices. Really. I'm serious. I know. I'm mean; well at least some may call that mean. I don't. I call it great - intentional love. Sometimes they do have choices. If you were here day in and out - you'd hear them choose from time to time - yes...when it's a light issue of sorts like...well, I can't think of any right now...but it happens once in awhile. And - some may argue with me that perhaps when they're 18 and they leave this house and have to actually choose for themselves what they'll eat, drink, how they'll dress, and what their day will indeed hold - maybe they'll be stymied...but, really? think about it for a moment with me... SERIOUSLY...Because from my own life - my own strict mama and daddy -I don't think so. I chose and chose a thousand times without hesitation of wondering how to...Because it is always in us to want to choose - and to make a choice - especially - ESPECIALLY - for ourselves...Now for others??? well...hmmm. Not so much. Free will is innate. Submission is not. No one has to be taught to seek their own good. We do have to be taught self-discipline and to consider our choices for the sake of others.

So even though I may be a mean mommy to some in this respect, I will still dare say, that someday - SOMEBODY - might thank me when we are invited over for lunch and my children eat everything prepared, or when my son marries someone's daughter and he eats what she prepares without criticism. But let's just say that does not ever happen (i need to remind myself that validation is not the point) - and let's say no one else - not even my children in all of their wanderings in the world of different cuisines and cultures - experiences galore of choosing and having no choice, of comfortable and uncomfortable situations...where they may or may not realize the words I have told them since they learned to hold a spoon... I will still be satisfied, because I have taught them one thing consistent with the whole Word of God - Are you ready for those words??? Your life is not about what you like - but about what is good for you. And the kicker - that I pray they see with all their heart, and mind, and body -... God will work all things together for our good. Even if we hate it.

Thank you, Jesus. Moses. Abraham. Esther. Job. Joseph. Mary. Rahab. Joshua. Jonathan. Noah. Paul. Matthew. Mark. Luke. John. Ruth. Naomi.... should I go on? Because I know more - many, many more; my family members included....and maybe some of yours as I think of people I get to know and love...maybe you.

This life is not about always getting what we like. But somehow - SOME amazing WAY - TRUTH and LIFE - how...God makes it good. So very, very good.

Diary entry from 10.15.94

October 15, 1994

If I were going to write a book about this...first of all - who would read it? But - nonetheless - if I were going to pen it for me - or anyone interested in the twisted workings of my youth - I would have to start out by saying: All three of them were bar tenders. Seemed kind of funny since I never really did know how to handle myself at a bar. Is that funny - or ironic - or just plain sad?

Every time the trap is set I walk right in. I know the way it works; I've been in it before - tasted the bait - allowed myself to be poisoned by it, allowed a part of me to die in it. Then I've struggled to be free of it and once I actually was free ...SNAP - there I was again. I cannot reveal their names - for they are innocent. I am not their accuser. I am not their victim - I am one that gave them permission. I am amazed how easily I am snared. It's as if I am being hunted - and I know it - and I like it! My hunter knows me - and this is the best part. He knows my weaknesses - how to keep me in the darkness barely alive. I'm there.

It's so funny to me. Yet I cannot laugh. I have no laughter here.

My God - is this a hunt? Do you see me? Are you with me? Is it you? So predictable are my own moves that my hunter knows where to place a trap and what kind of bait to use. How can I survive?

There is a part of me that longs for a part of him. Never the whole - just a part. Promises - promises all of the promises. I never did get to jet ski again. To me that was his greatest gift. the feeling of riding on top of the water, overcoming my fear, the warmth of the sun on my face, him riding way ahead of me - showing me the way. I looked towards the tiny shoreline and wished I could see my father standing there. "Look at me, Daddy. I can be happy again. I still feel life. There is life again."

My God, he gave me a memory and I will cherish him always for that - that and the many others that littered our three year relationship.

Remember the one who told me I was adorable. How long has it been since someone has said that I was adorable, Daddy? If I could hear those words again. He said it like a script. My, my, my, the hunter knows me well. I'm on to you... aren't I? It's taken me a couple turns, but I think I'm on to you now.

Diary Entry 10.3.94

October 10, 1994

I embraced my sorrow; I held it tightly with all my strength and it engulfed me. We cradled each other until morning and I awoke more aware of life.

I am haunted by ghosts that tip toe through the attic of my memory. The three of us are in the back seat. silent. Dressed in Sunday best. My father drives as if called onward by the chiming bells. Even the sweetness of amazing grace chimes cannot compete with even the echo of their hollering. My mother's head is bowed and she sniffles quietly. Playing once again the Sunday song of getting to the church for what...

Driven far - some 15 years far - from that white Plymouth car, I'm in the front seat of a white truck, and I drive alongside with him to church - no chiming bells play onward - yet the music from my childhood Sunday song comes to life - yelling and tears - but this time no back seat little ears. Getting to the church for what? - And I feel the strength of the arm...the arm that I watched come around my mother's neck to pull her toward him in apology - and I realize - she was exhausted of trying - and yet so hopeful. So I slide over and succumb to the same reason why she never left.

Diary Entry 8/94

from my diary: April 1994 - April 1997

A tender memory never loses its flavor and smells sweeter every time it is inhaled.

So? Where do I begin? The beginning would be nice, but I'm not quite sure where that would be. So many little ingredients got thrown into this stew it's hard to say what went in first...and if there was even a moment when I decided - when someone decided what was going to be made.

I'd have to begin with my childhood because it's my favorite flavor. I could chew on moments of it all day long. And from time to time I wander through the kitchen and find myself rummaging through the cupboards looking for a moment to savor once again.

I never knew we were poor until my mother said that we were some years after we had struggled through hand-me-downs and patch 'em ups.

One particular Christmas Mom ad Dad were having a party. I could hear the music from my bedroom where I rested on my pillow wide awake. I could catch a glimpse of people dancing in their fancy holiday clothes. I imagined myself to be a beautiful princess who would walk into their midst and inspire them all with my graceful dancing. Daddy came in just then and kissed my forehead and asked if I was alright. I remember thinking that he left the party just to see if I was okay. He left the dancing for me.

Baby Days

Do I miss them? Do I long for them even now when the house is currently quiet - empty of the sounds that my babies once brought - empty of the bustle and laughter that my children will bring home from school in a few short hours?

Do I miss those days of weaknesses, and challenges in the midst of discovering a love that I had never known or thought I could feel?

Do I miss those days of - being grown with the growing - holding a precious life in my arms that held me, too... both of us blindly trusting by faith - and with a strength that sometimes - for me and baby - was only realized through the breathing in and breathing out of tears...

When I consider - what I am able to remember of those fragile baby days - do I miss them???

No.

Missing them expresses regret or dissatisfaction - like they left without taking their perfect effect. They had their full effect again and again - and again - and still yet again when I felt that I could not take the joy or pain of them - one. minute. more.

No. I do not miss them. I could not have scripted them better, so there is no missing or longing for their sequel. I revisit them in my memories only to remember that they were mine. They were ours.

What I feel for those days, much like our attempts to re-tell our labor stories, cannot fully be conveyed with words, pictures, or even video. Those baby days had a purpose in my life - and the miracle is not just that we were given them - not just that we survived each one; the miracle is that we grew - all four of us - one at a time, and all at once - in love. And just like I had no words for how I felt in the midst of them then - for fear I would not correctly express my heart and be judged for it - not matter what emotion I happened to collapse upon in the moment, just like that -I have no words for them now.

Those days are a part of me - and by them this mother was made.

closer than a brother.

Have you ever been lonely? Such a deep ache, isn't it? No matter how extroverted we are, we cannot escape loneliness. And no matter how introverted we are, we crave intimacy. The presence of people in our lives is not intimacy though - is it...?... We long to be known, but even more than that to be found. And not by many people either. No, it doesn't take many to satisfy the longing for intimacy - just one heart - deeply connected to ours.

Proverbs18:24 is a verse that has made me feel rather uncomfortable in my pursuit of intimacy .. It simply reads, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."

Every time I read this verse, the discussion going on in my heart is the same. It goes a little like this:

One: I love my brothers. They are my flesh and blood, and no matter what has ever come between us - distance or confrontation - we are family. They have embraced me throughout my entire life, and have never rejected me despite my shortcomings. Flesh and blood - what is thicker?

Two: This is God's Word, so it must be true, but I cannot imagine why God would write so boldly that there is friend who is closer to me than my own flesh and blood. Maybe this is written for those times of family - shall we say...???... turmoil ??? Maybe.

Three: I love my friends. How could there be any one of them that is closer to me than my flesh and blood? Is this is what I am supposed to realize in my friendships? That those of us who are one minded with me through our faith in Christ are closer to me than flesh and blood? Is that it? Possibly?
But my brothers are one minded with me in faith. So maybe this isn't a verse for me at all.

If it's not a verse for me, cause I know I can get a little self oriented in God's Word - than considering this verse for anyone - How could this be just one friend throughout our entire life? The word in Proverbs is definitely singular - and I always consider the facts quite critically. "There is a FRIEND"...ONE. How could anyone ever pick which friend in their lifetime has been - or is now - closer than flesh and blood? That seems rather sad for the bond of family - and dividing for the bond among several friendships. Or maybe this is like an "in the moment" kind of thing? Like moment by moment a friend in need is a friend in deed. Sounds stupid.

At 40 years of living, I always chalk up my dissatisfaction to a lack of understanding. Somethings about The Bible -about life - I will never be able to fully grasp - despite my efforts - unless...of course... God is willing to teach me. So - up until yesterday, I have walked away from this passage resolute that this passage and I would never see heart to heart.


Yesterday morning these eternal Words of God and I met up once again - and this time my Teacher opened the flood gates for our conversation. So I read, "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Here we go again. I asked, how can this be? Do I really have a friend that is closer to me than my own flesh and blood?

A question is a powerful tool in the learning process. A question - although unsatisfying in itself - is the hope of something more.

God who is this friend?

I stopped and waited in the quiet, instead of rambling on about my issues of flesh and blood and my beloved friends. And since I had been studying John 15 just the day before, God brought it to my mind for this tender moment between He and I. "If you abide in me and if my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish."

I am asking.

Lord, who is this friend? In bold reply John 15 poured out like water from a dam - gushing all over me at my kitchen table so quickly I could scarcely breathe.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you...Greater love has no one than this than to lay down one's life for one's friends. You are my friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you..." John 15:9,13-14,16
Absolutely, I cried! This is God's Word, and He's speaking to MY heart from it simply because I am sitting there with Him wanting it!

How beautifully God speaks the truth of His Word that it should flow from Himself, Old to New Testament - with such precision and fluidity - and yet stop for but a moment - to capture and fill a human heart! This is the intimacy I was created to know.

Indeed,now I realize, there is no greater bond of friendship than that of blood. How did I miss it? This is Jesus. His blood is our bond of life, and by Him - we have always been found.

Such love. Such love. Such LOVE!