I want more.

Have you ever heard someone offer a strong word of encouragement, teaching, or correction and leave that word with you unsupported by a foundation of truth? Truth being the Word of God. Or have you heard someone offer a strong word of encouragement, teaching, or correction and USE the Word of God - but use it completely out of context? I have - often, in fact - I have heard myself do it. YUK!

So do you JUST want a verse with that?

I want more. I need more. Don't just give me the verse. Don't just give me the context. I need the voice of our God walking me through this learning in the ONE on ONE relationship I get to have with Him in this life - By His Spirit.

Even. Even. EVEN your best logic cannot surpass the VOICE of God through His Word in our decision making. You know? Well this is right - because__________. This is wrong because____________. That way of thinking cannot compare to The Word of God that teaches us wisdom beyond reason.

Abraham left his family to go where God would lead him. I should do it then, right?

Rahab lied about the spies she was hiding. I should do it then, right?

David had more than one spouse. I should do it then, right?

Paul remained single. I should do it then, right?

Paul also made a vow and shaved off his hair to mark the end of it. I should do it then, right?

My friends are going to Israel. I should do it then, right?

Some of my friends are going on a missions trip to the Dominican. I should do it then, right?

My doctor prescribed me pills to calm my nerves when flying in an airplane. I should do it then, right?

What does God want me to do in this life that I have been given FOR HIS PURPOSES to bring Him glory?

Right. Wrong. Everything in the way we live is not about a law. Everything in the way we live is about glorifying God. And God will not leave us without His help, His instruction, His Spirit to guide us. Will we seek Him? He will answer. And we will not always feel good about the response. We will, however, be blessed. Romans 8.

How critical then is the pivotal point on which we turn our lives to God - embrace - and serve Christ! I Thessalonians 1:9. Our responsibility as hearers and doers of the Word does not rest exclusively on the teacher, although, ABSOLUTELY, our teachers hold great purpose in our learning, which is why James said not many should want to be teachers (James 3:1). To whom much is given - MUCH MUCH MORE is required (Luke 12:48). Jesus was speaking of the Word given to the Servant by His Master. Read this when you get a chance - the whole context of it Luke 12. And ask God to show you wonderful things from this passage. He will. Because in TRUTH - as it was and always will be - the most critical point in our learning - and life change - life purpose - is based on our own relationship with the Father - who is faithful to teach us HIMSELF - when we seek Him with our whole heart, our whole mind, and all of our strength (Deut. 4:29).

Deuteronomy 4! Oh my soul, please study this chapter. How clear the love of the Father - to His people - to us - as He speaks through Moses about how obedience to God's laws shows WISDOM and understanding to the nations. And Moses - who heard for HIMSELF - the voice of God was not allowed to enter the promised land because he did not obey what God spoke to him. "From heaven he made you hear his voice to discipline you...because He loved you." Deuteronomy 4:36-37

God has not left us without a way to hear His voice. The commands were not enough. They were not intended to be - only a teacher to help us process - synthesize - how lost we are without the way of Christ, the voice of the Spirit, the Life of our eternal God.

I make no decision based on my own feelings, my own understanding, my own ability. This was my past, and this way of living was my greatest downfall. Jesus has taught me a new way of life; LIFE that is in Him. To Follow Him - what He would do; to listen to His Voice of Truth spoken by the Spirit; to experience full life that I was made to realize.

Every decision that breeds opportunity to glorify God in my skin - in my life as a whole - whatever I eat, drink or whatever I do - I do it all with one thought...WILL THIS GLORIFY GOD? I Corinthians 10:31 AND that answer - THAT answer - does not - could not - will not EVER. EVER. come from me.

Hear me softly, and low before you, and in love - The question is not: IS IT RIGHT? NOT: IS IT WRONG. That way of thinking is NOT consistent with the whole Word of God. Consider not just the law - but the Spirit of the Law. The Spirit of the Law speaks to the truth that we are not our own. The Spirit of the Law says I do not act without consideration of THE KING - the ONE my life represents and is subject to. The Spirit of the Law expresses this life is not about me.

So, consider not just the teachings of Moses that were given to point to our sinful nature and need of a Savior. I don't even keep ALL of those - do you? Do you honestly keep the Sabbath as was taught by God through Moses in the book of Exodus? (31:14-15, 35:2-3) Jesus didn't even keep the Sabbath according to Jewish law! (Luke 13) He directed us to the Spirit of the Law. Consider the totality of the teachings of Christ who said, "The Spirit will lead you in all truth. He speaks not on His own; - (even the Spirit of God does not go with his gut - how he feels - how he thinks!) He will speak only what He hears, and He will tell you what is to come. He will glorify ME because it (TRUTH) is from me that He will receive and make known to you." John 16:13-14...yeah - I'm asking you to check out that whole passage, too. You'll love it...and if you really want a great study time on this whole idea of being led by the Spirit of God start at chapter 14 and read to chapter 17. Then follow Jesus from His point of arrest in John 18 and the few words God directed him to speak before Pilate. You won't be able to stop there because the Spirit of God remained with Him as He was crucified, and would not release Him until it was finished..."With that he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." John 19:30. Spirit way. Spirit truth. Spirit life. And that life got up from the grave in 3 days! Yeah. You'll want to read on.

As I process all the significance of the gift of Christ - the Spirit of God in my life on this earth until death, and then up from the grave - the significance of having His Word in my heart - memorized - familiar to me moment by moment - as familiar as a recipe we have been nourished by for years, or the way to my mother's house where love is always found ... I am moved to tears. I want more than just a verse. I want the voice of God - speaking to me directly - so that my resolve to live for God - IS CHRIST. Philippians 1:21. Christ alone. Not what I think is right. Not what I think is wrong. But The Savior who is neither. I want to reflect the Savior who is THE GREAT I AM.

I am so Grateful you are with me. It is a gift to worship Him with you. Please pray for me. I struggle in this stuff called flesh. I will pray for you, too. God is faithful. And oh so patient! We will hear Him - and we do hear Him - for His purposes. "'It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by His own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be MY WITNESSES in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth'....this Jesus who has been taken from you into heaven, will come back..." Acts 1:7-11

The bold and the beautiful.

Do you watch Miss America? Crazy beauty, right? Just... wow.

I used to hate to watch Miss America when I was little. I can remember sitting on my best friend's couch with our eyes focused on the t.v. and aching over the beauty of those women - the beauty that I, myself, did not possess. Jealousy gurgled and surged through my veins. Critical self examination loomed and pervaded for weeks. No matter what I put on, did, imitated, I could not be perfect beauty - ever.

So, with complete dissatisfaction in myself - my broken inward gaze glared outward to find fault in others. My goal: How can I make ME feel better about ME??? The hope of finding one thing wrong with a woman who possessed the gift of perfect beauty was born in those adolescent days. I would never feel good about me unless I could find something - ANYTHING - wrong with the beautiful girl. But this wasn't something I could share with anyone - talk about - get help with. I had to hide it; - I had to struggle to keep that inner ache as quiet as possible, because how ugly - right? UNLESS - hmmmm...unless someone else had the same sick parasite that I did. THEN - I knew it was safe to reveal my own. All it would take was one whisper of criticism toward another person - and I could exhale the poison that was brewing in my own mind and heart. That poison in our heart always finds a way out. Doesn't it? Why? It was never meant to be there.

Truth #1. "So God created human beings in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female created He them." Genesis 1:27

Adolescents grow up and our parasites grow with us. The "ME" poison just gets expressed differently. I used to think how easy and small were the sins of my youth. The consequences of lying, cheating, being disrespectful to my parents, or talking about a beautiful girl behind her back, as was my adolescent carnage; - these sins seemed so small compared to getting drunk, stealing, or having sex before I was married. Not so. Not so. The consequences of living for myself, while visibly different, INTERNALLY - in the unseeen depths of the heart - the consequence for each expression of "ME" on this earth is the same. All are poison. All kill the soul. You with me? Same poison. Same consequence. Death.

Truth #2. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23

The glory of God is life; life that sustains life. Holy. Perfect. Life. We were created in that image. Can you even imagine? Life that seeks to sustain life. Life that only wants LIFE for someone else. That I could live for the purpose of helping someone else live...BOLD - beautiful thought. But ummm....yeah - what is THAT life?

Truth 3#. "In HIM was life, and this life was the light of all men." John 1:4

Jesus is the picture of Life. What it looked like to provide, heal, nourish, socialize, rescue, encourage, instruct, correct, rebuke, forgive, and die to self for others. He is the way, the truth, THE LIFE.

The image of Jesus is what we were meant to know, BE, and extend. But somehow the fullness of the image of Jesus drowns in Me poison. How can I give up Me to live for you? Life apart from ME thoughts - ME motivations. Only. YOU. So that what flows from me - has nothing to do with me - but only extending JESUS - LIFE - to you. AND how is it possible for someone to receive THAT from us??? Because seriously - even Jesus had skeptics. Is the person we are loving - the person we are trying to breathe LIFE into - gonna choke on our efforts - because SERIOUSLY??? Aren't they really thinking, "YOU are going to love ME without an agenda???

HOW is LIFE in Jesus possible? I'm dying here under thoughts of failure! I see the breakdown and hear the breakdown...everywhere!!! AND I AM GUILTY of this breakdown.

You might be thinking, Laura Lewis! Get a grip!!! I do have a grip. I have a grip on the heart that was before me Monday night at Panera. My grip is around a beautiful girl who spoke to me of the church family she has separated herself from. We were talking about love on the heels of Valentine's day - and how to love others well. The conversation turned to how she is not loved - by believers especially. "No one wants good things for me. Everyone is waiting for me to fail." And I just ache. The beautiful girl. The girl who has a beautiful life. She is aching for love. My heart begins to crack. A knot curls up in my stomach. I would love to SMASH that window of condemnation that I, MYSELF, have often stood in front of to size up someone else for no. good. reason.

"But I want good things for you!" I told her through tears that well up in my eyes as I realize I WAS among the girls that sought to find failure in the beautiful ones. And I KNOW - I could be that infected girl again in a minute if I gave into the concocted POISON of:
sassy shoe,
purse,
new house,
perfect skin,
hard body,
dream vacation,
YOUTH,
career,
or hair ENVY.

BUT here's the thing; I don't want to be that girl. I don't want to be the little girl who hated watching Miss America - ANYMORE! The one who can find the littlest fault in the good bestowed on others. - I REFUSE to go for that poison anymore - I want to run from it. You're with me in this right? We want to stay clear of it with everything that God has taught us about what that running from ENVY looks like in our head, and in our heart, and with our tongue.

So, in this time with her - where I am so saddened by what she has experienced, I quickly consider that I am with her NOW - and I am her church family NOW - resurrected in new life - who has been forgiven and now hates the poison that seized me once upon a time, and who can see this poison clearly because it was MY OWN.

And so I realize... we get to Love out of the forgiveness we have been shown, out of the healing we have experienced. Out of who we were and who God has made us through those hard learning experiences. I get to be the poisoned - adolescent girl - healed.

And so I thought... BOLDLY tell her YOU LOVE HER!

And so I did! I most certainly did! And I got to tell her how sorry I am for the way she has been treated, on behalf of myself - and our church family, with all the honesty of who I was - my own guilt, and what God has done, and IS STILL doing in me daily to keep me from hurting others out of envy. AND in loving her - I don't need to put a tongue lashing beat down on everyone else who is causing pain - because I AM EVERYONE ELSE! I am capable of wrong all the time. SO, out of love for those who failed her, who are forgiven just as I am, I need to love the heart that is in front of me - without any kind of ME poison spewing out about anyone or anything.

We get to LOVE freely, exhaling alll the POISON concocted of self. That poison in us - in others - has been forgiven - once and for all - totally absorbed on the cross. What a gift to be given His Spirit, in place of that poison, that teaches us His Way. His Truth. His Life, AND that bears tasty, juicy, succulent fruit - fruit that will last to SUSTAIN LIFE.

My words fall way short of what my heart is locked in on. Extend what we have been given - extend what we realize IS NOW and HAS BEEN grace to us. Extend it one heart at a time. God is faithful to penetrate the heart. He does it. He has done it. He will never stop. Ever.

Truth #4. Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others." Philippians 2:1-4

May we be so bold. so beautiful.

Pulling up weeds.

Going inward is a lonely place isn't it? And yet we run there so quickly don't we? I think we actually beam ourselves there in the speed of light - no sassy footwear needed. And I think we do it so quickly and so habitually - that we don't realize this inward lonely place has become our frequent watering hole. Expecting to find something refreshing with which to wash down our woes, we run inside our own thoughts of why it is so bad for us, why it isn't for someone else, and what could we ever possibly do to change those circumstances. Actually, that last thought about trying to change our circumstances - THAT one would only come on maybe a half bad day - like maybe the circumstances stunk, but at least your hair turned out okay, right? Cuz usually - from an inward view - .there's just plumb. no. way. out. Are you feeling like a dark cloud is hovering right about now? Yeah - let's get out of here!

My mom - a bright ray of sunshine on any day - said something to me once upon a tear filled day when I ran to her hoping to have my wounds nursed - but instead got some hard truth to suck on.

She said, "Laura Jean - (that means this is serious) , it is always better to work in someone else's garden."

"What? What was that? You've got to be kidding me right now. You're going to talk to me about weed pulling for someone else when I have this gargantuan vine of thorns around my neck just sucking all 26 years of life out of me?"

"Yes, dear. I am."

I left. I couldn't take anymore of her metaphors - because well -in truth - she had said all I needed to hear. I was feeling so sorry for myself - and what I really needed to do - was focus on another person's circumstances and try to make life lovely for them. I hate when she is right. And then again - I count on it.

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." - Jesus before he went into the Garden of Gethsemane to pray for you and me.

Outward focus. SO loud and clear, and yet we miss it. "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.(husband, mother, siblings, mother-in-law, children, neighbor, room mate, co-workers... - all included)" John 15. That's love we get to live in. walk in. soak up. and give away.

Growing in truth with you. And grateful I get to.

pray.

A four letter word, that I often say - and do - but NEVER, EVER fully understand.

From one book study on prayer to one Bible study on prayer - and back again to my thoughts of confusion. I hear lots of amazing insights, that's for sure, but WHAT is insight on a page if I don't grip the TRUTH from where it came with my own hands? JUST GOOD WORDS can sometimes make me sick. My life BEGS the ACTION of TRUTH. EFFECTIVE PRAYER. GIVE ME THAT!!! EFFECTIVE prayer being the pivot point on which I twirl round and round in the arms of my GOD. What is effective to me - may not be so effective to my Teacher. I do not think He scores our prayers the way we do.

Asked for forgiveness first : THAT's gotta be a 5.7

Gave a long shout out of praise and hands were raised - no one even around to see such a display of adoration! : TOTALLY a 6!

Asked for the poor and did not even mention myself - moved to tears: That's a strong 8

And how 'bout that prayer for self-control??? : Definitely a 7.5 compared to my old prayers for a pool.

Prayers for healing - a little weak because I didn't use a Bible verse: 4 (grab verse and example of healing)

And then there's that constant prayer for clear skin: weak. only a 1 (stop doing that!)

Prayers for Buffalo on my knees - ding! ding! 9.5! (must be completely prostrate next time)

And lastly - a prayer that's answered by getting what I asked for! exactly what I prayed...: - THAT there, people, a 10!


WHAT ON EARTH!?!?!
I know Jesus taught us how to pray. I have read commentaries on that, too - and heard some pretty rockin' messages that revealed amazing truth about the name of our God WHO is THE WHAT of our prayers.

But really I still don't get it.

I love to hear people pray. You hear a relationship when people pray. Ya know? You can hear either great longing, great distance, great love, great respect, great resolve, great intimacy - or... you can hear a heart that's just bare naked in the arms of the Father. I LOVE to hear people pray!!! I think, actually - that is when I learn the most about prayer.

Our prayers reveal a heart that longs for God.

My brother is in the military, and he is waiting orders to either take a position in an office, or take one "down range". He has been to war. Too many times, too many prayers to list. Psalm 91 is stained with tears for his life and the dates of his tours. And so now, I consider again what may be my painful prayer in 2012.

Do you have those, too? Prayers that turn your gut as you speak them? Prayers that you mouth without really knowing what you're saying because you are in such agony at the thought that THIS is what you HAVE to pray - These ugly words YOU hear yourself narrating is the life you have to live! I hate that realization! I can't believe what I have had to pray! Sometimes I think that's why I can't pray. I need someone else to call it out...ya know? Painful to hear myself acknowledge that is this MY life right now. I get stuck there in my tears until I realize that is a lame place. And sometimes it is the prayers of my friends - those who call to pray with me right over the phone that lift me up...(call your friends to pray with them! it's not weird!) I can petition! I can ask! I have to ASK! and then it's like sometimes you don't know what to pray because you just want the power of GOD to take it away -. RIGHT? GOD!!!! Make it GOOD!!!! You are the only one who can make it GOOD!

I have that knot right now. I hate the prayer for my brother's life in the midst of war - more than any prayer I pray. I do not want to pray that prayer again. Not ever.

I'm asking for a miracle, I guess. My brother calls it a Tim Tebow. We need a 316 yard pass with my brother's name on it, to secure the win - and the receiver is General who only has to put it in a D.C. end zone. You might think I'm praying wrong. I've been told that already. But - as I read through story after story of God's relationship to man - I will line up with those who don't deserve it, but ask God for His help anyway. Like the Canaanite woman who begged for mercy and told Jesus that even the dogs eat the crumbs from the Master's table; I love her guts!!!...She didn't ask Him to help her be okay with her demon possessed child - for Him to give her a right heart to handle this situation. She asked for MERCY!!!...(Matt 15).

Soooo...here I am on this snowy day. I am crying out to my God. I may have limited knowledge or understanding of the theology of prayer - and even if I did know, I'm sure my expression of it would be broken anyway! Right? This is me we're talking about...Me. A forty-one year old Buffalo girl trying to figure out what it means to live for God. So, with what I have been given - with what has been taken away, with all I am, and all I am not - I will ask God to bless my brother by sending him to D.C to live out these next two years alongside his wife and kids....and I will continue to beg Him for this - until I must beg otherwise. Right now - I'm BOLDLY asking for MERCY.

This is my God. This is your God, my friend. He loves me. He loves you. He hears me. He hears you. He sits with me in tears. He sits with you in tears. He knows. I have nowhere else to go in my longing - and no one else to go to so that I can learn what I can or cannot have. I only trust God. You have nowhere else to go in your longing - and no one else to teach you what you can or cannot have. Trust God. I understand full well that He can say no. I understand full well that horrible sting. But I know the joy of yes, too...and so - I will wait with thanksgiving for what He has taught me in both answers. Does that just blow your mind or what? That you and I refuse to walk away from God no matter what He says - that is ONE miracle we can rejoice in!!! Are you there with me? Come on now! Hands up! Hallelujah moment! (That's a 10 if no one is looking at you!!! lol!) WE will not be moved by circumstances!!!! NOT EVER! GOD IS!!!

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22

That's not about results. That's about relationship. We will not be moved!

I am waiting on GOD, and OHHH HOW waiting on HIM always - always - always is our good. What amazing grace to realize such peace today - 1/13/12.

"I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2

more.

One word can change not only our understanding of what is written on a page - but one word can change the perception of our heart. One. Single. Word.

Be it:
Law.
Yes.
No.
Stop.
Forbidden.
Command.
Freedom.
Sacrifice.
Self.
Love.

One Word.

What I consider most carefully as I type, is that what you in fact read with eye, and mind, and heart. How you perceive the written word is a package deal. These words mingle with all of who you are, and I cannot control the outcome. My intentions are good, I promise, at least as good as I can so approach that Glittering Gem. I am limited; I know you realize that. But I wish you well. As yodeler of sorts or harbinger of truth, if you will, I wish to sing of lovely images - of strong truths - that inspire - that motivate - that refresh, God willing. His Word does not return void - and so His Word is at the core of every message you will find above or beneath my name.

I don't begin to suggest that I have it right. What I have - is I have it HUNGRY!!! I am a sojourner of 41 years - and only 13 of those years have been a determined walk in living the teaching of Jesus Christ. So if you are looking for wisdom of great worth - I welcome you to walk with me blog by bog - because I'm searching for it, digging for it, longing for it, too.

I want more of Jesus. I want more love. I want more joy. I want more truth. I want more hope. I want more patience. I want more awe. Yes! I want more of God. That is my passion! MORE of what we were created for. I hope MORE than anything you read and salivate on TRUTH that God leads us to realize together - THAT YOU and I - we were made for MORE than what we see in the cup that we hold. In the cup that we drink. So much more.

And if that is so...then would we be so willing to dump what we hold dear - to ask - to reach - for what God is pouring.

I read this today...and it will not let me go.

"If you asked twenty good men today what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But - if you had asked almost any of the great Christians of old, he would have replied, Love.

You see what happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative idea of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. I do not think this is the Christian virtue Love.

The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith.

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward, and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.

We half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. We are far too easily pleased."

C.S. Lewis

Are you with me? There is far more. I've dumped out what was old in the old cup, and I am holding up a cup that is empty - and asking God to fill it, without even knowing what that will look like. He knows the more I am thirsting for. How ignorant I am in my thirsting - often so blindly grabbing at what is but a shadow of Him, and then settling for it... Instead of waiting - for the fullness of all He is.

How grateful I am for the promise that IF we

delight ourselves
in the LORD

HE
will give
us
the desire
of our heart.

What we long for - is more

of God.

I will wait for Him to fill this cup, and not fear what that will look like. even. if. the cup - to me - appears empty. day after day.

He is so good. Praying we realize that MORE today.

Beginning of the New Year

"I know all about the despair of overcoming chronic temptations. It is not serious, provided self-offended petulance, annoyance at breaking records, impatience, etc. don't get the upper hand. No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep on picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one's temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us: it is the very sign of His presence." C.S. Lewis

Every year my father would record our New Year's resolutions...well, that is when we were old enough to realize what a resolution was - and of course when camcorders were invented. I loved it. I loved it because I got to think about being new, about what that should look like. And I loved to hear my parents and my brothers express how they wanted to be new as well. We all wanted the same thing - to start over and do better, even though our personal goals, whether seemingly trivial or seemingly grand - were very, very different.

The ironic thing about a resolution - at least it is ironic to me - is that I cannot grow or change - without having been impressed to do so in the place where I have been. My New Year resolution for good change - is only realized because I have been there in that"place". Do you berate yourself like I do for having been there in the first place? I know, right? Why do we do that? Why do we expect that we should learn, move forward, or grow without bruises - setbacks - dirty knees... without error? What lesson is not riddled with mistakes? And who does not need to grow?

I can still hear my dad in our New Year's video blog, "This body before you will change." He often resolved to exercise and lose weight, and I love that even the day before he died he was still trying. We went for a long walk that May 28th evening, and my mom and I watched him run ahead of us what we called "the hill". We were ro0ting for him all the way - until he made it home. How sweet that memory to my soul when I consider "the hill" that is before me, the people in my life who hope, - who hoot, and holler for me to overcome, and the purpose of the victory.

Are you there? Are you at the base of a hill, too? Have you set out in your heart and mind what you want to do? to change? to pursue? to overcome? Have you made this resolution before? And now you hear yourself make it - yet again... GOOD FOR YOU!!! Fight for it! With all the awareness of what works, what doesn't, what triggers your set backs, what assures your advance...Go for it!

Is this a new resolution you're making this year? Sweetness! I'm with you...We're not going to let fear defeat us. Right? Crawling on hands and knees or running that hill - we're going to give it all we've got!

Uh oh - got a tune runnin' through my head. This is not good for you! I'm singin'...can you hear me??? "Climb every mountain! Ford every stream! Follow every rainbow, til you find your dream." Watch it when you get a chance. You'll get all fired up and flibbertijibbet with Maria.

I MUST - express deep, deep gratitude to our TEACHER who takes us daily by the hand - if we let Him - and leads us - on ahead - with Light - through The Experience of where we are...to see. to realize. to put off. to heal. to put on. to grow. to shine. to go. What an amazing God! Were it not for His grace we would not see; were it not for His Wisdom we would not learn; were it not for His patience we would not try; and were it not for His love, we would continue to misappropriate longing.

C.S. Lewis wrote, "Humanity does not pass through phases as a train passes through stations: being alive, it has the privilege of always moving yet never leaving anything behind. Whatever we have been, in some sort we are still." - The Allegory of Love

We only have to examine our passions in this life to remember who we were, who we still are - and with God given strength - embrace with humility and gratitude the gift of a new day in 2012 to learn of Him, by Him, for Him.

"He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ."
Philippians 1:6

Happy New Year!

say what???

I have said some purdy dumb things in my life, but the other day - I have to admit I said one that took the prize. I was talking to a friend about this blogging thing I do. And I realize, it's not a big deal - it's a lil' ol' blog where I ramble about what I'm learning in this life about our God - about believing Him - living HIM...and not a whole lot of people rilly wanna take the time to hear what I have to say - well, except for you, my friends - and well, Mama. Do you hear my self pity? Good - cuz that's where I'm going.

A friend of mine was commenting that she had read one entry (I love you, Robin Albion! and I'm sorry I'm an idiot! Thank you for loving me!) -As I was saying, she read an entry I had written - unbeknownst to me, until now - or rather then, as we were talkin'. "Cool," I thought... - but then - I felt little in that moment for some prideful reason. My blog is little. I have done nothing big, and that pathetic view was my focus, even though she was being very sweet about having read something that I had written that encouraged her. I hate my pride, but I love that God doesn't leave me there. I responded from that ugly place of feeling small on PLANET ME with this idiotic, oh-so-popular rant, "I do it for me." AND IMMEDIATELY, as soon as those words left my lips... it was like God shouted in my heart - "What did you JUST say?"

Of course I didn't answer Him then, but I think my cheeks flushed, cuz I knew He was listening and He was weighing in. I just went on chatting with my friend and tried not to pay attention to the constant echo that reverberated from my heart to my brain and back to my heart to my brain, heart-brain, heart-brain, ALL NIGHT. What did I say? What was wrong with that?

So as the echo continued from that day - FRIDAY - until now. I sat down with Jesus and asked Him to teach me about what I said and what He hears in my statement.

I hunkered down with my defense first - knowing I am wrong and about to be corrected. My complaint to Him: Lord, I am a small person. My influence small. My life small. My territory small. My audience small. My abilities small. I am so stinkin' small.

He waited. He knows when I have more to regurgitate.

My dreams were big. My hopes big. My focus wide. The people around me huge. The world spectacular. The planet gargantuan. The platform incredulous. And you, too, God. You, too. Everything around me, including everyone else I see - greater than I. SO I get a little embarrassed. That's all.

He was still silent.

Crickets.

SAY SOMETHING, GOD! SAY SOMETHING CUZ I'M DYING HERE. Correct this fool who is riddled with pride and stupidity. A lil' encouragement maybe? Is there a beat down coming? Land me somewhere.

Exhale. Nothing.

If I don't say, " I do this for me"...how can I protect my heart? If it's for me - and I fail - it doesn't really matter. Right? If it's for me, and no one's listening it doesn't really matter. If it's for me and no one ever shows up, I won't be hurt. Cuz it's just me. Is this so bad?

A Word. A powerful word comes to mind.

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him". Colossians 3:17

What does that mean? I do live for you. Take me deeper. Help me get it.

Go to the chapter. That's the sense that I get. Great. I don't have time. Lord? IS this you? Cuz if this is me takin' myself on some goose chase through the word...Ugh. I'm loud, you know? So is this you?

Silence. I go to the chapter.

Colossians 3. It hits me hard just at the first seven words.
"Since, then, you have been raise with Christ." Tears. I died.I did, didn't I? Yes. I did. About 13 years ago. Me. AND now - I have resurrected myself, Lord, haven't I? I plumb climbed up out of the skin casket of my old ways, and I have clawed myself out of the dirt that covered up my gnarly ol' self - and just totally announced I'm BACK! with that attitude of - "I do this for me." Wow. How ugly is that thought, huh? I laugh. You are funny, Lord! Tears subsiding...

He goes on..."For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ - who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory."

Wow. I'm smaller than I even realized. I'm so small I can't even be seen. I hide behind you, Lord. I am hidden in you. And I resurrected myself in my thinking, "I do this for me."

We read on...and hash it out again at verse 15. "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace."

Strong image to stomp on ME PLANET with, Lord. Peace of Christ. One body with many members, and I get to be in there somewhere - hidden with great peace.

Exhale. Only your Spirit in me would find this most pleasant, Lord. Apart from you - this would not make sense.

We read on. "And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach, and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs form the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts."

It's good to do life with one another. It's good, so good. The people I see and envy - are a glimpse of your glory. Your Body. Because of others who love you, live for you, serve you - as You Have Called Them to Their Place in the BODY - I can realize who is the one to focus on. People will seem huge to me and I will seem small - when I do not see the One Who is Our Life. And, Lord - they're people who need to be admonished like me - and encouraged like me...Right? Like who does not need to be corrected? Who is soooo good according to themselves, that they don't need to be encouraged??? Which one of us does not need the other? Somebody hug me quick! I have a Psalm I wanna sing to you to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"! Good thing my kids are at school! I'm fired up!!!

Last verse. "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to the Father through Him."

It could be no other way, Lord. You are in me. You will not let me live in my pride and stupidity. When I get to say or do anything in this Body of Believers that is YOU COVERING ME - because I am not an island - not even now as I type alone at home. They are with me. They influence me. Hold me accountable. Encourage. They are my family, and I will play my part to love them - and honor you - with the way I love them. No envy... it is all for you.

My pride. My stinkin' ugly ME planet pride (Thankful to my friend, Edie Gillis, for the "Me Planet" phrase the other day at Mom2Mom. God has used it!!!...shew yeah!). I protect myself with this "I do it for me" mentality out of pride. No matter what I do - it is for God. All of it. It's all His to use or not, and when I look at Him - I won't see me - anymore. anyway. big or small. I'm outta here!

C'mon. You're with me...right? (I promise - I won't sing that Psalm to "twinkle twinkle" - well, at least not too loudly.)

Peace!