pray.

A four letter word, that I often say - and do - but NEVER, EVER fully understand.

From one book study on prayer to one Bible study on prayer - and back again to my thoughts of confusion. I hear lots of amazing insights, that's for sure, but WHAT is insight on a page if I don't grip the TRUTH from where it came with my own hands? JUST GOOD WORDS can sometimes make me sick. My life BEGS the ACTION of TRUTH. EFFECTIVE PRAYER. GIVE ME THAT!!! EFFECTIVE prayer being the pivot point on which I twirl round and round in the arms of my GOD. What is effective to me - may not be so effective to my Teacher. I do not think He scores our prayers the way we do.

Asked for forgiveness first : THAT's gotta be a 5.7

Gave a long shout out of praise and hands were raised - no one even around to see such a display of adoration! : TOTALLY a 6!

Asked for the poor and did not even mention myself - moved to tears: That's a strong 8

And how 'bout that prayer for self-control??? : Definitely a 7.5 compared to my old prayers for a pool.

Prayers for healing - a little weak because I didn't use a Bible verse: 4 (grab verse and example of healing)

And then there's that constant prayer for clear skin: weak. only a 1 (stop doing that!)

Prayers for Buffalo on my knees - ding! ding! 9.5! (must be completely prostrate next time)

And lastly - a prayer that's answered by getting what I asked for! exactly what I prayed...: - THAT there, people, a 10!


WHAT ON EARTH!?!?!
I know Jesus taught us how to pray. I have read commentaries on that, too - and heard some pretty rockin' messages that revealed amazing truth about the name of our God WHO is THE WHAT of our prayers.

But really I still don't get it.

I love to hear people pray. You hear a relationship when people pray. Ya know? You can hear either great longing, great distance, great love, great respect, great resolve, great intimacy - or... you can hear a heart that's just bare naked in the arms of the Father. I LOVE to hear people pray!!! I think, actually - that is when I learn the most about prayer.

Our prayers reveal a heart that longs for God.

My brother is in the military, and he is waiting orders to either take a position in an office, or take one "down range". He has been to war. Too many times, too many prayers to list. Psalm 91 is stained with tears for his life and the dates of his tours. And so now, I consider again what may be my painful prayer in 2012.

Do you have those, too? Prayers that turn your gut as you speak them? Prayers that you mouth without really knowing what you're saying because you are in such agony at the thought that THIS is what you HAVE to pray - These ugly words YOU hear yourself narrating is the life you have to live! I hate that realization! I can't believe what I have had to pray! Sometimes I think that's why I can't pray. I need someone else to call it out...ya know? Painful to hear myself acknowledge that is this MY life right now. I get stuck there in my tears until I realize that is a lame place. And sometimes it is the prayers of my friends - those who call to pray with me right over the phone that lift me up...(call your friends to pray with them! it's not weird!) I can petition! I can ask! I have to ASK! and then it's like sometimes you don't know what to pray because you just want the power of GOD to take it away -. RIGHT? GOD!!!! Make it GOOD!!!! You are the only one who can make it GOOD!

I have that knot right now. I hate the prayer for my brother's life in the midst of war - more than any prayer I pray. I do not want to pray that prayer again. Not ever.

I'm asking for a miracle, I guess. My brother calls it a Tim Tebow. We need a 316 yard pass with my brother's name on it, to secure the win - and the receiver is General who only has to put it in a D.C. end zone. You might think I'm praying wrong. I've been told that already. But - as I read through story after story of God's relationship to man - I will line up with those who don't deserve it, but ask God for His help anyway. Like the Canaanite woman who begged for mercy and told Jesus that even the dogs eat the crumbs from the Master's table; I love her guts!!!...She didn't ask Him to help her be okay with her demon possessed child - for Him to give her a right heart to handle this situation. She asked for MERCY!!!...(Matt 15).

Soooo...here I am on this snowy day. I am crying out to my God. I may have limited knowledge or understanding of the theology of prayer - and even if I did know, I'm sure my expression of it would be broken anyway! Right? This is me we're talking about...Me. A forty-one year old Buffalo girl trying to figure out what it means to live for God. So, with what I have been given - with what has been taken away, with all I am, and all I am not - I will ask God to bless my brother by sending him to D.C to live out these next two years alongside his wife and kids....and I will continue to beg Him for this - until I must beg otherwise. Right now - I'm BOLDLY asking for MERCY.

This is my God. This is your God, my friend. He loves me. He loves you. He hears me. He hears you. He sits with me in tears. He sits with you in tears. He knows. I have nowhere else to go in my longing - and no one else to go to so that I can learn what I can or cannot have. I only trust God. You have nowhere else to go in your longing - and no one else to teach you what you can or cannot have. Trust God. I understand full well that He can say no. I understand full well that horrible sting. But I know the joy of yes, too...and so - I will wait with thanksgiving for what He has taught me in both answers. Does that just blow your mind or what? That you and I refuse to walk away from God no matter what He says - that is ONE miracle we can rejoice in!!! Are you there with me? Come on now! Hands up! Hallelujah moment! (That's a 10 if no one is looking at you!!! lol!) WE will not be moved by circumstances!!!! NOT EVER! GOD IS!!!

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalm 55:22

That's not about results. That's about relationship. We will not be moved!

I am waiting on GOD, and OHHH HOW waiting on HIM always - always - always is our good. What amazing grace to realize such peace today - 1/13/12.

"I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." Psalm 116:1-2