Expectation Drug

"Expect nothing. Surrender everything." - Wes Aarum says this. He's the college pastor at Vintage at The Chapel at CrossPoint, and he's been a part of my life since I was 10. Crazy that I have been able to learn truth from this man for over 20 years, and it's still rockin' my boat!

I've been following hard after Christ for 14 years now. Following hard and stumbling forward - daily. The lessons that Jesus teaches me in my study time with Him are powerful and they pervade my life; from the teachings at my church on Sunday, the Bible study I teach on Tuesday mornings, the teachings at Vintage on Tuesday - with my small group twice a month on Wednesday, the radio teachings I tune in to - , the worship music I get to hear and to sing all day long; the missions trip I just went on this past March...so many teaching moments where my God speaks into my life! And in all of them, Jesus, our teacher, has focused the lessons of my life, carefully scaffolding each step so that they can be repeated, and reiterated, and articulated in so many forms, and voices, and pictures, and application pieces - so that this dumb sheep of a learner will not miss it...But I do. I still do. Patient! Patient God! who loves relentlessly in His patient teaching.

My mom asked me early in the New Year - to ask God to give me one lesson to learn this year - specifically ask Him for just ONE WORD to teach me a TRUTH for life - and then BELIEVE He will do it. She told me this is what she had done - and that God had given her a word; so plain - and simple - and clear before her eyes - she was astounded - and completely ready to learn it.

Sounded great, right? Crazy - but great - and intriguing enough that I wanted this craziness for myself, but I figured - this is for her! She has been given something from God, and that doesn't mean it's for me, too. Words are important to her after her stroke. She craves to know them - understand them - master them...that's why asking God for ONE Word is important to her. So -this couldn't be for me... But yet - my heart ached for what she was telling me. A pinpoint lesson from God - that He would make me well aware of - a theme that He would weave in and out of my days... What could be more intimate with our God? (are you intrigued, too??? I hope so!) So - I prayed for it. I prayed for it - hoping I would hear or see or know the Word when it came. AND so it did. Not once - but day after day after day. I read it. I heard it. People said it to me. I would read it again. It would be in a book, in a verse, in a title or an article, in a song...I could not miss this word if I tried.

JOY.

Really, Lord? Really? But I am so happy! Why is my word - my lesson JOY? And is this you? Or is this me hoping it's you? If the lesson should be JOY -...God would truly have to open my eyes and ears and heart to realize it... Do I really not understand Joy? ummm - yeah.

I could write a book on how I have missed it - and how God has made JOY clear to me in so many circumstances...I don't want to lose you here though. This blog would get booky. So, I'll keep it brief. Each story and each circumstance that I would want to share with you has one poison that pervaded my perception of life in the moment - one JOY robber that I have let dominate my thinking - my relationships - my life on this planet - and Jesus has painted it VIVID before my heart - my mind - my eyes ... EXPECTATION.

To live in expectation of ANYTHING other than - ready for this??? --- the Spirit of the Living God - is to our Joy's demise. Why am I telling you? I mean it's my lesson, right? Indeed! Well, first of all I'm telling you because - I can't keep the truth of God to myself - cuz it is just too good! And second of all - could I really be so alone in this view? Might you, my friend, be suckin' on this poison too - and so immune to it now you don't realize it either? I don't want poinson for you - for my kids - my husband - for me...any more. So - I HAVE to tell you! I want JOY FOR YOU! And also, when I tell you - and the people in my life - I get the accountability that helps me stay far from my addiction. TRULY living according to my expectations for life is absolutely an addiction.

Living in expectation of what a day, a person, a plan, an effort should be like - can cause so much disappointment, can't it? I mean think about it... You plan a great vacation, and everybody gets sick. HUGE blow to the heart! Did your plans for marriage and career go the way you saw them on graduation day? Funny how all those pictures and ideas and the songs and poems we adored that matched our planned out moments just don't match what is true life... One divorce in my past and now a stay at home mom - I would have never written this as my story at 18. I had much different plans. MUCH different.

Or how 'bout when you plan a romantic dinner with candlelight and your favorite LBD, with Sinatra playing softly, and then your husband walks in the door from work turns on the lights and says he doesn't feel well. HEARTACHE! And what about your precious cherubs? Did we or did we not have an idea about what we as mothers would look like and how our babies would be? The picture cannot compare to reality - not one little bit. And blow - by heart blow - I have had to stare into a canyon of despair, the canyon that spans my expectation for how they should behave and how life should be with my children - and what is in truth the reality of who we are and what each day holds.

So where is joy? Right? Can you see the picture of where we stand that is our reality - the VAST CANYON that is before us - and expectation on the other side? With our seemingly innocent and lovely expectations we dig a dark, deep canyon and joy is lost in depths. Were we wrong to want good things? Are we wrong to hope in something beautiful and wonderful for life? IS it always going to be like this? You know what - I still can't answer those questions. And I don't really think they matter - because that way of thinking isn't the point. The point is the canyon of separation. The question we should be asking is WHAT DO WE FILL THE CANYON WITH?

When things don't go our way - how do we respond? How are we linking where we stand to what we wanted? Personally, I have yelled, cried, exploded, been depressed, disenchanted, disengaged, withdrawn and just plain ugly. I have filled the gap with wrong behavior toward God - and wrong behavior toward others. I have medicated myself with shopping, and food, and even cleaning ( i know- weird) to make myself feel better about circumstances I could not control.
Please forgive me!

What I am learning is that JOY is found when I fill the CANYON of my heart with the Spirit of the LIVING GOD! I know - what is that? AND what does that look like? It's a moment by moment work of God - a creation in my heart of something new and better and more REAL than I could have imagined. God waits for me to call to Him across the canyon and I beg to Him for His power to close the gap with grace, love, peace, self-control - to help me see the moment as He sees it - and the people that are close to me as He sees them...and He does it. He is DOING IT!!! and I am flipping out because I am such a jerk! Why would He do this in me - for me?

I'll tell you one example that happened of God filling the gap in my heart - MOVING the expectation mountain - and the mountain of my reality - and bringing them together with Himself... My son had baseball practice Wednesday night. My husband was out of town so this was on me. No problem! I can handle it. We got homework done. Dinner started. A snack to tide us over - and the two kids and I went to the location my husband told me to go. 5:00 sharp I was there. Exhale. We made it with glove, water, bat...we're good - or really, if I'm honest, I was thinking, I'm good. BUT - no one was there. I texted my husband. "I'm here. Where is everyone?"

Text comes back - "It's not until 5:30"
Ok. No problem. It's a nice night. We'll hang out here and play until 5:30.
5:30 comes and goes - no one shows up.
My husband is in a meeting at this point so I had to make some command decisions on my own. Maybe we got the field location wrong. My heart is pounding, stomach turning in a tiny knot. BUT - it's okay. The kids and I get in the car - and they were GEMS! So good! And we begin to drive around from field location to possible field location in search of my son's team.

6:30 rolls around and we have burnt gas and time without getting to baseball practice. I am seething in my heart and mind while my children are laughing in the backseat. I want to cuss so bad my tongue hurts. I am begging God for help! I am telling Him I am so mad at my husband who is OBVIOUSLY the one at fault here. So I text him - my husband, not God - while sitting at the traffic light (sorry! I did! I wasn't driving...). The text read: "Never found practice. I am driving home."

While I am hitting send, a loud honk is heard behind me. I have missed the fact that the light is now green and I have ticked off one very mad faced woman. REALLY? REALLY RIGHT NOW?

I wanted to flip her off so bad I had to fight with my hands - but instead I waved to her a little thank you wave - and guess what??? SHE FLIPPED ME OFF!!! and my children saw it! They were in disbelief! I WAS A TRAIN WRECK of emotion. The last pebble in the canyon just got thrown and hit me in the face before it landed!

GOD! I prayed in my heart! I'm going to explode. And the one thought that came to my mind was - tell my children what I am learning right now, so they can see I learn with God too. Really? Tell them? Okay. I'm gonna tell them.

I said to them, "Mommy is dying right now. I'm ready to explode with tears! I just want to yell!" I told them calmly. "I didn't get Kaden to practice. We have been driving around for an hour and it's such a nice night. Daddy can't help me! I have totally blown what I was supposed to do... Now I get honked at and flipped off! I need God to give me self control and peace right now."

My daughter said, "It's okay, Mommy - let it out."

Well I laughed so hard when she said that! JOYJOYJOY!!! overflowing JOY! Here I am in a moment I will never get back with my children - a memory that is locked in my mind forever. If I reach out to the blessings that are right in front of me plain as day - there is always Joy. Always. One day those sweet babies will be far from me and I will long to have them in the car with me for an hour - doing ANYTHING! and there we were all safe, and well - and we had each other.... JOY!

Bad feelings gone. Expectation gap closed. I lack NOTHING! And when my husband called - pure joy and peace could be extended to him, not blame. I knew he felt bad, and was wishing he could be there to help me. It wasn't his fault! It was mine. I messed up as I found out later on. The practice was on the other side of the building, and I never drove around to see the other side. Ha! And he was not mad at me either...cuz he could have been frustrated with me, too. He's better at this drawing on the Spirit of God thing than I am...much!

Anyway...if you hung in for this long rant... thank you. If you didn't then you won't hear me say, that I am a stupid sheep who is desperate for the Spirit of God to take me where green pastures always are...where He is - within me. If you know this - what a gift you extend to those in your life who get to be loved by you as you do life together. If you don't know it....what a beautiful lesson for us to embrace together today...It's a new day - Expect nothing. Surrender everything.

JOY!

"The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want...He leads me beside the cool waters. He restores my soul." Psalm 23