Healing

Are you well acquainted with sickness? Does it pervade over the lives of your friends and family, too? Have you continually begged God for healing for you or for someone you love - while you wait in sterile silence by a bedside where healing does not come? Sounds like I'm about to sell you something - right? Ha! I'm not! I'm asking you, because I want you to know - first of all where I'm heading with this blog and also - to let you know you're not alone! I have been begging God for healing, too! maybe not in the same way you have - with the same situation; the details of our stories could not possibly align exactly - nor the outcome. But even so - I hope to encourage you with truth that God reveals about who He is as our healer.

My brother has had diabetes since he was ten years old. The race for a cure has been in our vernacular since 1980. I had grown accustomed to my brother's silent fight. With the invention of the insulin pump, diabetes is hushed more than it used to be in the past with syringe needles and vials of insulin glaring at us as my brother would prepare his shots. However, despite the change in treatment that has stifled, somewhat comforted, the cry of many diabetics - the volume of this disease was turned up for all of us in 2008. At 11 years of age my niece was diagnosed with diabetes. She braved this diagnosis with her mom at her side at a hospital in Germany. My brother, her dad, was serving our country in Iraq at the time; his wife and three children stationed in Manheim, Germany during the tour. My brother was given a brief leave to come and see his little girl and wife at the hospital, a mental and physical time-out from the war on terrorism - only to try to understand and manipulate tactics of what life with a new enemy - diabetes - would look like - at war within his child.


Then this past March, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. I have always been told that breast cancer would eventually touch all of us - not just by association - or by friendship - but the touch of cancer would be the grip of a family member who would cling to us for help and strength and love... I couldn't imagine that... until now. Now - for me - I cannot see a pink ribbon without seeing our Debbie. Today she is very sick with chemo-therapy. What can we do for her? What would God have us do? Does He see her right. now?

I could go on. Illness in our family does not stop there. My step brother's son - my step sister's sons, close friends and their spouses, children - the disease battle is on going. It is blood deep, thick and heavy; it is personal, and it is relentless. I could pray the names of those I love who are sick - for hours.

I want healing to come to my family - and to my friends, and my daughter is a reminder to me to pray for them daily. Kamryn has been diagnosed with chronic urticaria. This cannot compare with anyone else's battle - I would not begin to compare...My daughter's illness is merely a reminder of those I love who also long for healing. That precious - daily - reminder is, in itself, a beautiful gift. SHE reminds me of THEM. As I long for her to be healed, I long for their healing. Her discomfort makes me realize theirs. Her fight causes me to pray for their strength. Her moments of peace and comfort causes me to pray for their comfort and realization of God in the midst of disease.

Jenna, my diabetic niece, is the one on my mind - in particular - today. As I see her - I have hope for everyone else. Kamryn. Debbie. All of them. Jenna's hope - in God in the midst of diabetes has been and continues to be - beautiful. And God's blessing in the midst of this disease is most evident. From a distance, and at times up close, when we have been able to visit with my soldier family, and I have been able to witness how Jenna embraced the challenges of diabetes with her own two little hands - AND - chose to fight diabetes to conquer it.

Jenna's diet and insulin balance became a matter of her personal studies. She could have let her mom continue to do the work for her - but she didn't. Jenna took diabetes on for herself - because SHE wanted to master it for herself. What child does that? Can you imagine her mom's wonder and pride as she watched her YOUNG daughter take on so much responsibility and self-discipline? Can you just see her daddy wonder in amazement at his baby's GIGANTIC inner drive and fortitude?

This child not only mastered nutrition and diet, but between the ages of 12 and 13, she mastered her insulin levels to eliminate her constant need for insulin injections. She hates shots - and so while the shot-hate motivated her - so too did her God given drive to be healthy. God gave her new desires for her heart. Self-discipline took ROOT in her mind, and determination gripped her spirit. This concoction of champions changed not only her way of thinking, and eating, and lifestyle - it changed her dreams. Now a runner girl, and motivational health nut, Jenna wants to study to be a nutritionist when she graduates from college one day, so she can help others embrace a healthy life. Laser light focus - directed out of chaos. To God be the glory in my niece's heart and mind and body - purposed by God - to bring Him glory. She takes no credit for herself either - but only says - "It is because of prayer alone." WHAT IS THAT but miraculous!?!? ALL GOD! God in a little girl who loves and trust HIM.

It was through this view of my niece that I looked to my own little lamb. Could our Kamryn somehow be given this God-given gift to grip her diagnosis? Could there be someway, somehow, that diet and self-discipline could eliminate her need for the drugs that dominate her life - every . single day??? ... I have talked to God so much about this...so very much. Doctor after doctor, and yes - those that prescribe drugs and those that vitamin and diet analyze - to no avail! One morning a few weeks ago I woke up out of a sound sleep...sat straight up and thought - stop giving her milk. The milk is hurting her. Milk in anything...

And so - trying to sound sane - I told my husband that this is my new thinking, and I was going to trust God with it. How trusting was my child, when I told her that I believed this idea was from God, and that we were just going to follow Him with it, until He would direct us otherwise. "God is my dreaming". You probably think I am crazy. If you do - you're right. HOW INCREDULOUS for me to trust in God! a physician who speaks without a voice to me in sleep - who impressed direction to me without a burning bush or angelic being. To trust God without hesitation...ME?!?! Ha! This is plain nuts and is miraculous to me as well.

I went on a very intense ingredient hunt - and ANYTHING with milk - I removed from her diet. ANYTHING! You know how many things have milk? Within two days - no Zyrtec and no more itchy, watery eyes. Day three she hived. There's more, I thought. What else is an allergen? I studied my face off. Wheat, gluten and eggs are high on the list. All of them we have removed from her diet. Can I tell you - that in the midst of this - my Bible study group at church asked me if the seven of us could pray for Kamryn together...we did. Just before Easter they prayed with me. Powerfully! I wish you could have heard them cry out to God for help for my girl. BEAUTIFUL PRAYERS of women who believe in God! Can I even tell you!?!!> Kamryn did not hive for a week...until she ate wheat and gluten in pretzels by mistake. The hives came - and even so - I was still excited! We have found it! Milk, gluten, wheat - and perhaps eggs. She went for seven days without any allergy symptoms! I am freaking out! This has not happened in this little girl's life since she was 2 1/2! All these years battling allergy symptoms - lethargy, depression, itching - weepy, itchy eyes! AND NOW!!! yes! now!!! She is free! (I wish you could have heard the prayers of praise from my Bible study group! They clapped in prayer! Are you in a Bible study group? JOIN MINE!!! Oh so good to do life with women who love Jesus with you!!!)

So - now it's game on at the grocery store and in my kitchen as I feed this child in a whole new way - I could care less about the diet challenges ahead of us...my baby is drug free...and our prayers for healing - have been answered well beyond what I could have hoped or imagined... What do I mean by that?

I get that her body is not resilient to the allergen. That was my hope. But THIS - this challenge that my daughter is now undertaking - is doing in her, what diabetes has done in her cousin. AND glory to God that my daughter can look up to her cousin who, at the same age Kamryn is now, - 11 - had to completely change her diet to live a new and BETTER way! Kamryn is learning what I could have never taught her with words, or even examples of people she knows and loves, ... She - my hands-on little learner - is embracing the beauty of self-discipline with her own heart - her own mind - her own hands...and THIS for her will continue to change everything in her life. How beautiful as a momma - to see my baby discipline herself in ways I would have never thought possible. What a blessing to her athlete daddy to see his baby in the training of her life...a new heart - a new mind - a new body - a new focus...

My prayers for healing for those I love - who continue to battle disease - have been revamped. I no longer pray wondering if God hears me. I no longer pray out of an impatient, aching heart. I pray with the knowledge that our God is at work, and He has a plan - and I can wait EXPECTANTLY in the midst of disease for the evidence of His work to become clear to me. I have misunderstood my God - our healer - for so long. He is at work in His people CONSTANTLY- racing for the cure - that is not just our body - but is our eternal soul. What a God!

"And WE KNOW!!! all things work together for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

There is no such thing as sterile silence when we pray. We - who know and love God - pray on HOLY! FERTILE ground! (yes, I'm -a-shoutin'!) with expectation that GOD IS! We can KNOW He is not stymied by disease but is ABLE to accomplish beyond what we can ask or imagine for our good - and for His glory. He is OUR God. MIGHTY. Everlasting. HEALER!

Expectation Drug

"Expect nothing. Surrender everything." - Wes Aarum says this. He's the college pastor at Vintage at The Chapel at CrossPoint, and he's been a part of my life since I was 10. Crazy that I have been able to learn truth from this man for over 20 years, and it's still rockin' my boat!

I've been following hard after Christ for 14 years now. Following hard and stumbling forward - daily. The lessons that Jesus teaches me in my study time with Him are powerful and they pervade my life; from the teachings at my church on Sunday, the Bible study I teach on Tuesday mornings, the teachings at Vintage on Tuesday - with my small group twice a month on Wednesday, the radio teachings I tune in to - , the worship music I get to hear and to sing all day long; the missions trip I just went on this past March...so many teaching moments where my God speaks into my life! And in all of them, Jesus, our teacher, has focused the lessons of my life, carefully scaffolding each step so that they can be repeated, and reiterated, and articulated in so many forms, and voices, and pictures, and application pieces - so that this dumb sheep of a learner will not miss it...But I do. I still do. Patient! Patient God! who loves relentlessly in His patient teaching.

My mom asked me early in the New Year - to ask God to give me one lesson to learn this year - specifically ask Him for just ONE WORD to teach me a TRUTH for life - and then BELIEVE He will do it. She told me this is what she had done - and that God had given her a word; so plain - and simple - and clear before her eyes - she was astounded - and completely ready to learn it.

Sounded great, right? Crazy - but great - and intriguing enough that I wanted this craziness for myself, but I figured - this is for her! She has been given something from God, and that doesn't mean it's for me, too. Words are important to her after her stroke. She craves to know them - understand them - master them...that's why asking God for ONE Word is important to her. So -this couldn't be for me... But yet - my heart ached for what she was telling me. A pinpoint lesson from God - that He would make me well aware of - a theme that He would weave in and out of my days... What could be more intimate with our God? (are you intrigued, too??? I hope so!) So - I prayed for it. I prayed for it - hoping I would hear or see or know the Word when it came. AND so it did. Not once - but day after day after day. I read it. I heard it. People said it to me. I would read it again. It would be in a book, in a verse, in a title or an article, in a song...I could not miss this word if I tried.

JOY.

Really, Lord? Really? But I am so happy! Why is my word - my lesson JOY? And is this you? Or is this me hoping it's you? If the lesson should be JOY -...God would truly have to open my eyes and ears and heart to realize it... Do I really not understand Joy? ummm - yeah.

I could write a book on how I have missed it - and how God has made JOY clear to me in so many circumstances...I don't want to lose you here though. This blog would get booky. So, I'll keep it brief. Each story and each circumstance that I would want to share with you has one poison that pervaded my perception of life in the moment - one JOY robber that I have let dominate my thinking - my relationships - my life on this planet - and Jesus has painted it VIVID before my heart - my mind - my eyes ... EXPECTATION.

To live in expectation of ANYTHING other than - ready for this??? --- the Spirit of the Living God - is to our Joy's demise. Why am I telling you? I mean it's my lesson, right? Indeed! Well, first of all I'm telling you because - I can't keep the truth of God to myself - cuz it is just too good! And second of all - could I really be so alone in this view? Might you, my friend, be suckin' on this poison too - and so immune to it now you don't realize it either? I don't want poinson for you - for my kids - my husband - for me...any more. So - I HAVE to tell you! I want JOY FOR YOU! And also, when I tell you - and the people in my life - I get the accountability that helps me stay far from my addiction. TRULY living according to my expectations for life is absolutely an addiction.

Living in expectation of what a day, a person, a plan, an effort should be like - can cause so much disappointment, can't it? I mean think about it... You plan a great vacation, and everybody gets sick. HUGE blow to the heart! Did your plans for marriage and career go the way you saw them on graduation day? Funny how all those pictures and ideas and the songs and poems we adored that matched our planned out moments just don't match what is true life... One divorce in my past and now a stay at home mom - I would have never written this as my story at 18. I had much different plans. MUCH different.

Or how 'bout when you plan a romantic dinner with candlelight and your favorite LBD, with Sinatra playing softly, and then your husband walks in the door from work turns on the lights and says he doesn't feel well. HEARTACHE! And what about your precious cherubs? Did we or did we not have an idea about what we as mothers would look like and how our babies would be? The picture cannot compare to reality - not one little bit. And blow - by heart blow - I have had to stare into a canyon of despair, the canyon that spans my expectation for how they should behave and how life should be with my children - and what is in truth the reality of who we are and what each day holds.

So where is joy? Right? Can you see the picture of where we stand that is our reality - the VAST CANYON that is before us - and expectation on the other side? With our seemingly innocent and lovely expectations we dig a dark, deep canyon and joy is lost in depths. Were we wrong to want good things? Are we wrong to hope in something beautiful and wonderful for life? IS it always going to be like this? You know what - I still can't answer those questions. And I don't really think they matter - because that way of thinking isn't the point. The point is the canyon of separation. The question we should be asking is WHAT DO WE FILL THE CANYON WITH?

When things don't go our way - how do we respond? How are we linking where we stand to what we wanted? Personally, I have yelled, cried, exploded, been depressed, disenchanted, disengaged, withdrawn and just plain ugly. I have filled the gap with wrong behavior toward God - and wrong behavior toward others. I have medicated myself with shopping, and food, and even cleaning ( i know- weird) to make myself feel better about circumstances I could not control.
Please forgive me!

What I am learning is that JOY is found when I fill the CANYON of my heart with the Spirit of the LIVING GOD! I know - what is that? AND what does that look like? It's a moment by moment work of God - a creation in my heart of something new and better and more REAL than I could have imagined. God waits for me to call to Him across the canyon and I beg to Him for His power to close the gap with grace, love, peace, self-control - to help me see the moment as He sees it - and the people that are close to me as He sees them...and He does it. He is DOING IT!!! and I am flipping out because I am such a jerk! Why would He do this in me - for me?

I'll tell you one example that happened of God filling the gap in my heart - MOVING the expectation mountain - and the mountain of my reality - and bringing them together with Himself... My son had baseball practice Wednesday night. My husband was out of town so this was on me. No problem! I can handle it. We got homework done. Dinner started. A snack to tide us over - and the two kids and I went to the location my husband told me to go. 5:00 sharp I was there. Exhale. We made it with glove, water, bat...we're good - or really, if I'm honest, I was thinking, I'm good. BUT - no one was there. I texted my husband. "I'm here. Where is everyone?"

Text comes back - "It's not until 5:30"
Ok. No problem. It's a nice night. We'll hang out here and play until 5:30.
5:30 comes and goes - no one shows up.
My husband is in a meeting at this point so I had to make some command decisions on my own. Maybe we got the field location wrong. My heart is pounding, stomach turning in a tiny knot. BUT - it's okay. The kids and I get in the car - and they were GEMS! So good! And we begin to drive around from field location to possible field location in search of my son's team.

6:30 rolls around and we have burnt gas and time without getting to baseball practice. I am seething in my heart and mind while my children are laughing in the backseat. I want to cuss so bad my tongue hurts. I am begging God for help! I am telling Him I am so mad at my husband who is OBVIOUSLY the one at fault here. So I text him - my husband, not God - while sitting at the traffic light (sorry! I did! I wasn't driving...). The text read: "Never found practice. I am driving home."

While I am hitting send, a loud honk is heard behind me. I have missed the fact that the light is now green and I have ticked off one very mad faced woman. REALLY? REALLY RIGHT NOW?

I wanted to flip her off so bad I had to fight with my hands - but instead I waved to her a little thank you wave - and guess what??? SHE FLIPPED ME OFF!!! and my children saw it! They were in disbelief! I WAS A TRAIN WRECK of emotion. The last pebble in the canyon just got thrown and hit me in the face before it landed!

GOD! I prayed in my heart! I'm going to explode. And the one thought that came to my mind was - tell my children what I am learning right now, so they can see I learn with God too. Really? Tell them? Okay. I'm gonna tell them.

I said to them, "Mommy is dying right now. I'm ready to explode with tears! I just want to yell!" I told them calmly. "I didn't get Kaden to practice. We have been driving around for an hour and it's such a nice night. Daddy can't help me! I have totally blown what I was supposed to do... Now I get honked at and flipped off! I need God to give me self control and peace right now."

My daughter said, "It's okay, Mommy - let it out."

Well I laughed so hard when she said that! JOYJOYJOY!!! overflowing JOY! Here I am in a moment I will never get back with my children - a memory that is locked in my mind forever. If I reach out to the blessings that are right in front of me plain as day - there is always Joy. Always. One day those sweet babies will be far from me and I will long to have them in the car with me for an hour - doing ANYTHING! and there we were all safe, and well - and we had each other.... JOY!

Bad feelings gone. Expectation gap closed. I lack NOTHING! And when my husband called - pure joy and peace could be extended to him, not blame. I knew he felt bad, and was wishing he could be there to help me. It wasn't his fault! It was mine. I messed up as I found out later on. The practice was on the other side of the building, and I never drove around to see the other side. Ha! And he was not mad at me either...cuz he could have been frustrated with me, too. He's better at this drawing on the Spirit of God thing than I am...much!

Anyway...if you hung in for this long rant... thank you. If you didn't then you won't hear me say, that I am a stupid sheep who is desperate for the Spirit of God to take me where green pastures always are...where He is - within me. If you know this - what a gift you extend to those in your life who get to be loved by you as you do life together. If you don't know it....what a beautiful lesson for us to embrace together today...It's a new day - Expect nothing. Surrender everything.

JOY!

"The Lord is my Shepherd. I shall not want...He leads me beside the cool waters. He restores my soul." Psalm 23

Simply Go.

How many times have you heard someone say when describing their daily life as a follower of Christ, "I am still struggling with _________". Have you heard it? Like for example you may hear people say: I still struggle with not reading my Bible, with not praying, with shooting off my mouth when I'm mad, with gossip, with porn, with food, with money - with WHATEVER. The list among us is long and personal, isn't it?

A struggle is a noose around the neck that we, who are indwelt by the Spirit of God, have the power to remove and even destroy in our lives. But we don't. We leave it there and let it tighten and then complain about it - like it's a hopeless situation of who we are - and that struggle factor is a just a fact of life.

Well that's just bunk! I don't buy it. I refuse!!! Especially when Colossians teaches us that we can put to death our old nature and put on a new self that is being renewed in the knowledge of our Creator. Colossians 3! There's no struggle depicted for the believer - just dead sin. LOVE IT!

Author and speaker Elisabeth Elliot said once, "Struggle is just another word for disobedience." I like her thinking. I like it because this statement she is making puts the power to change where it belongs - on us. Do we really want to be different? Because if we do - well, then with that comes a whole new game, a new way of life, and that might be....hard.

If we choose to read our Bible every day - then that means our whole schedule must change, right?

If we choose to pray, then that means our focus is constantly on God, inviting Him into our thoughts all day long. That constant awareness of God is daunting even weird sounding. Isn't it? Am I going to be weird?

If we choose not shoot our mouth off when we are mad, then that means we don't get to say how we feel. Do we ever get to express how we feel? Does the other person just get to get away with hurting us and making us mad?

If we choose not to gossip then what will we have that is interesting to talk about? People are interesting. What else is there to say without trying to sound smart or actually sounding dumb?

If we choose not to look at porn then our thrill seeking and satisfaction must be met by God. Could that be fun?

If we choose to eat to live and not to live to eat then we may feel hungry and go through cravings. We would have to learn an entirely different way to think about food and what our body really needs verses what we want to give it and enjoy.

If we choose to acknowledge that God owns our stuff, we may give away more than we keep, and so could we really ever be happy? We won't have what other people have.

To struggle is to simply tell God "no". I'm not ready to let go of what I am use to right now. I like it this way, and your way, God, - the unknown - is not as comfortable as where I am right now and what I am choosing to do with my life.

Sad. And sad not because of what we're stuck living with - but sad because we are held captive by something powerless: a weightless, pitiful, laughable IDEA we saw, heard, and then simply chose to put on and believe in. And why? Think about it...think about it carefully - wasn't it because we either didn't know God - or maybe we did know God to some shallow degree, but simply didn't believe Him?

I look back at my life through the pages of my picture books and journals and I just shake my head at what I chose to settle for out of ignorance, complacency, fear or just plain disobedience. I don't want to be that girl today - not ever again. I want to Know God. I want to know Him more and more and more. Could knowing an eternal God ever stop? I want to know Him and believe Him for everything He says no matter what uncertainty or discomfort I may feel. I want to be a woman of God. How could that ever come without fear or discomfort? I'm in skin for crying out loud and I'm carved out in sin potential! To quote my morning workout coach "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable." Thank you, Jillian Michaels. That statement absolutely echoes the truth of God's Word over the lives of His people - whether He was telling Abram to go to a place that God would show Him, or telling Joshua to march around a city 7 times for 7 days, or telling Mary that she would give birth to the Messiah, or the disciples to go into all the world and preach the gospel. Where is comfort in all of that? Where is there not cause to fear? God is asking us to get comfortable with being uncomfortable...at least for awhile.

I turned to John 8 this morning and read Jesus words to the woman caught in the act of adultery. I was this woman. Maybe not in complete detail - but I can feel her shame because it was my own years ago. What Jesus would say to her, mattered greatly to me. He had my attention, and so I listened.

This great Teacher, The King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, "The One who was, and is, and is to come" did not give her a lecture, even though He could have, and she would have had to lay there at his feet and listen. He did not give her a 12 step plan . It would have overwhelmed her. He gave her one, simple direction. "Go and leave your life of sin."

I wonder if she did. Ya know? And though I cannot find evidence of her anywhere else in Scripture...I don't really have to, because He spoke these words to me. "Go." And so I did. And I have not looked back, nor have I gone forward without daily going to God to rid my mind and my heart of the habits that brought me to my knees before Him when I was 26. Was it easy? No. Has it been worth it? A thousand times and eternity of times to come - YES! That simple statement is how I look at each day. Jesus set me free, I will not return to the way I lived before Him.

"Go, and leave your life of sin." Powerful truth. We won't miss our life of sin. Of this I am QUITE sure. You know what I'm talkin' about! I know you do! Why are we so afraid we will??? Just like we don't miss our mother's womb, right??? Can you remember that? Do you miss that? No way! In the same way, when we leave our life of sin our new lungs will fill with air, and we will wonder how we ever lived any other way.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should GO; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you." Psalm 32:8

Breathe in truth - breathe out grace - and GO!