Regret.

I'm up early this morning. Earlier than usual. Bad dream. A bad dream for me is one where I am in the midst of people that I used to know, love, and do life with - and I am trying to undo what I have already done. The scenarios are never the same. The people are. People are forever, you know?

Heartache grips me when I wake up and realize I live the struggle of that dream in reality. What's done is done, and I cannot make it any different. Wow. Who wants to live in that mess, right? Not me; not by the power of God in me. I run to Jesus. He is my source of life and hope and redemption. "Talk to me, Daddy, " I say to Him at 4:00a.m. "Wash over this regret with the wisdom of your Word." He pulls up in the chair next to me, and lets me cry while I fumble for my glasses and His book of Truth. Yeah - that's the way I see it. Call me crazy, I'm good with it.
I Corinthians 15:1-11 is my scheduled reading for today with my Vintage egroup babes - www.vintagetruth.com I'm thinkin' of them. Praying for them. What a gift to do life with women seeking Jesus. I begin to read.

"Now brothers and SISTERS" - Stop. Think. Because my heart is arrested just here. I am the member of a family, one that loves me, hopes for me. The apostle Paul, my brother - You God, my Daddy.

"I want to remind you of the gospel" - By it I am rescued from who I once was.

Please don't stop, Lord. I need more. Please wrap me up in more truth. Tears. Why do you want to remind me of the gospel this morning?

"I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise you have believed in vain." - Heart adjustment. Hold firmly to what is now - not what was then. I stand because I was rescued. I am not there anymore. But, Jesus - what do I do with the memories I carry? I hold them in full view, and I still hurt.

"By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise you have believed in vain". That I was rescued by Jesus from the life I lived for myself is the gospel. If it were not for that realization, - if it were not for the freedom to fall far from you - how would you have influenced my love? In this painful moment of realization - you were waiting all along to love me and receive my love.

"For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance, that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, and that he appeared to Cephas (Peter), and then to the Twelve. After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers and sisters at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles.. " Did anyone believe that they had been with Jesus? Did they live diffferently because of it? I mean, were these people, like me who made bad choices - and were known by those choices - and then changed the way they made every choice from JesusMeetingMoment on...? and so then exemplified the TRUTH of the Gospel? .... sigh. oh my Jesus. please tell me more. Thank you for continuing through Paul.

"...and last of all he appeared to me also, as to one abnormally born." - what does he mean? i hear a familiar inward ache.

"For I am the least of the apostles, and do not even deserve to be called an apostle because I persecuted the church of God." Regret. There it is. This is my ache, Jesus. My brother - the apostle Paul knows my ache of regret. In this moment does he see the face of those he could have loved and chose to hurt instead. Does he see the choices that he made for himself - out of pride - out of lust - greed - envy - empty soul hunger apart from you, God? He does, doesn't he? Does he dream of holding Stephen's coat while he watched him being stoned, and wish he could change that day? He does, Lord, doesn't he? What does my brother, Paul do with such pain? Tell me what does he do with the heartache? Does it ever go away?

"By the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them - yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." - No it does not go away. This is the grace of God to him realized - and by it - He lives through you. This regret, Jesus - is my understanding of your grace. This regret, Jesus, is the reason that I will not forsake you ever again - and by YOUR GRACE that washes over REGRET with wisdom - I will embrace the gospel that is your story in my dreams, and your story in my NOW reality. By it I live differently forever. I have been forgiven much, and by this forgiveness - I love you, withmyheartmysoulmymindandlstrength in this life so much. Thank you for wrapping me up in this comfort today. I will walk in it. I will stand on it. I will hold firmly to the Word you have preached right. to. me.

Regret is a harsh teacher. Jesus is not. My favorite truth. It is the gospel to me. Praying it for my children, my egroup babes, for myself, for you. Today is a new day. Faithful Jesus.