Posts
I had to write these words to you that will not let me go - as sure as thoughts of you grip my heart since we last met. I asked God how I should pray for you, my friend. He knows far better than I the needs of your heart. This is where I was led. May you, sweet Julie, be overwhelmed with our Heavenly Daddy's intimate knowledge of you - and care for your heart, for your soul, and your mind and strength... and realize with me, sweet one - the breadth and width of the love of our God - through His WORD - to us - over us - for us - ALWAYS.
God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, BUT - WITH the temptation - will also make the way of ESCAPE - that you may be able to bear it. I Corinthians 10: 13. Satan has asked for you - that he may sift you as wheat. BUT I (JESUS) have prayed for you, That YOUR FAITH - should not fail. Luke 22:31-32.
WHATEVER happens as citizens of heaven, live in manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come, and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving TOGETHER with one accord for the faith of the gospel without being frightened in ANY WAY by those who oppose you...For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but to suffer for him, since you are going through the SAME struggle you saw I HAD, and now hear that I STILL HAVE. Philippians 1:27-30
Your eyes - WILL SEE - the King in His beauty. Isaiah 33:17 That at the name of Jesus every knee shall bow in heaven, and on earth - and under the earth. Philippians 2:10 We shall see HIM as He is. I John 3:2 In my flesh - I shall see God. Job 19:26 I shall be satisfied when I awake in YOUR likeness. Psalm 17:15
Further my ...Sister...we who serve God by HIS Spirit who put no confidence in the flesh... (That which is born of flesh - IS FLESH, but that which is born of SPIRIT - IS SPIRIT! John 3:6) NOT that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on and take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ...Sister - I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But ONE THING I do - FORGETTING - what is behind and STRAINING toward what is ahead, I PRESS ON - toward the goal - to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:12-14
Trust in the Lord and do good. Dwell in the land and enjoy SAFE pasture. Take delight - IN THE LORD. And HE will give you - the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:3-4
Therefore my...sisters - whom I love and long for, my joy...stand firm in the Lord in this way...
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:1,4
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Got a third breast?
I'm sorry! Does that title gross you out? Call me politically incorrect - or, as my friend Jaime would say, "Here's the line - Here's you," and then she clearly demonstrates I've crossed it with facial expressions and hand gestures that crack me up!!!.... But I know - full well - that what I have called good in my life - is often NOT GOOD at all. And only - ONLY- ONLY - by the grace of God have I been able to realize the futile way of thinking that allowed something to comfort me, encourage me, entertain, support and gratify me, instruct and guide, mold and inspire me, supplement my daily life diet - that was in fact - POISON. I've come to call these potential hazards a third breast. (Sorry, Jaim!) Stay with me, please... I'll explain.
When I have failed to recognize that God is my portion - no matter what it is that I am seeking in this life - I have run to another source of help. Cigarettes. Food. Music. Alcohol. Movies. Friends. T.V. Exercise. Food. Shopping. Books. Magazines. Cooking. Cooking Food. Did I say food? Anyone else with me? What I want isn't always what I need.
Have you ever had a craving, and then you couldn't find what it was you really wanted so you jammed whatever you could find in your mouth just to get you by? I hate those moments. My kids do that constantly. They stand in front of the fridge or the cupboard just looking, like maybe what they're hoping for and not seeing will suddenly appear. My son is famous for this. He tells me he's hungry and then says, "Mommy, I'm hungry for something. I know you are going to say no."
"Try me," I say.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he asks so adorably.
"Like what?" I'll ask, trying to avoid the fact that he was right; I am going to say no.
"Like bubble gum - or a lollipop?"
Like that's going to fill him up? What he's needing is nutrition - something to satisfy his body hunger. What he's going for is something that in his thinking is the perfect choice. AHHHHH! That is so me! I'm an adult and I can soooo clearly see my own thinking as he postures his plea so innocently! ...I want:_________ ...but since that's beyond my control and not readily going to appear any time soon - I'm thinking this: _______ - will be good."
And then what happens? I go for it! I go for what I think is good and will satisfy, and then all of a sudden I grow a third breast. I didn't see it coming, but it's there. I add onto myself something that seemingly is good - but is really not of God's design for me at all. I can justify it though - boy I can justify myself very well before a crystal clear mirror! But it's a breast! A breast is a good thing! A very good thing for crying out loud!!! Really? The enemy is so, so deceptive! He can actually help manipulate my thinking by showing me - as daily the Spirit of God increases my discomfort - and by Him His Spirit is disquieted in me as I try to balance my third breast. My enemy has actually - brilliantly - absolutely brilliant on his wicked part! He has strategically molded and placed other third breasted people in this world! Yes! I kid you not! So then we see each other and we think - "Hey, they're just like me! It must be okay! I'm not alone - and their third breast is actually bigger and more obvious than mine! ...so, I should be able to enjoy and handle it just as well without it ever becoming too much to live with. OH MY HEART!!!! Is anyone else with me in this?
God is El Shaddai. Have you heard this name for our God? It means: "pourer-forth or shedder -forth - of blessings. Shaddai describes power, not violent power but of all-bountiness. Shaddai primarily means breasted - from the Hebrew word Shad - that is "the breast" - that which nourishes - pours forth - blessings, temporal and spiritual. El Shaddai means multi breasted one. Think about that. It is God who is The Source of all blessing - all nourishment - every need met in One God. (Lord, I Want to Know You by Kay Arthur - please check it out!) God called Himself "El Shaddai" - God Almighty in Genesis 17:1-8 when He tells 99 year-old childless Abram that he is going to YET have descendants with whom God ALMIGHTY is going to establish an everlasting covenant. Abram had all he needed IN GOD for this dream - this desire of being a father - of having descendants - to be met in God - and God alone, which is exactly how God wanted it. Abraham had a craving - and he did not trust what God said about how it would be met. (Genesis 15-22 ) So what did Abraham do? He got a third breast. His name was Ishmael. Ishmael would cause increasing discomfort as Abraham sought to balance his will with God's. That never works! Eventually, Abraham was told by God - who knew what was best for Abraham all along - to send Ishmael and his mother away. Abraham obeyed. Sorrowfully? You bet! A mastectomy is never pleasant, but it does heal.
Creator - life giving God - is our source of every need, every want. What I desire - so needs to be examined, and pressed up against, and pressed into my God. What does that look like - pressing my desires into our God? For me ...well...you really wanna know? Cuz you don't have to do it this way - but for me - this is clarity...HUGE! I write out what I am asking God for! Yes! I do! I keep a journal of my conversations - requests to God - and I examine what I am talking to Him about in light of Scripture. And in Scripture is where HE lovingly, mercifully, and gently examines me - what I am asking - examines my heart - all rolled up in the safety and security of His embrace. I learn this way - about me, about what I want - yes - in a way. - But primarily - most importantly so - I learn about OUR El Shaddai. He knows the purpose for what we were made. He knows what we need to achieve that soul satisfying purpose. He is that purpose. Without Him, we do not have life. Oh sure we'll exist - but don't you want to do more than exist? I want to live. I want to live the way I was made to live. Are you with me?
"Take delight IN the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 Praise the Lord, oh my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all of his benefits - who forgives all your sins, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion; who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. Psalm 103:1-5 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your ind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2 Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation...My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. Psalm 62:1,5. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:4
When I have failed to recognize that God is my portion - no matter what it is that I am seeking in this life - I have run to another source of help. Cigarettes. Food. Music. Alcohol. Movies. Friends. T.V. Exercise. Food. Shopping. Books. Magazines. Cooking. Cooking Food. Did I say food? Anyone else with me? What I want isn't always what I need.
Have you ever had a craving, and then you couldn't find what it was you really wanted so you jammed whatever you could find in your mouth just to get you by? I hate those moments. My kids do that constantly. They stand in front of the fridge or the cupboard just looking, like maybe what they're hoping for and not seeing will suddenly appear. My son is famous for this. He tells me he's hungry and then says, "Mommy, I'm hungry for something. I know you are going to say no."
"Try me," I say.
"Can I have a piece of candy?" he asks so adorably.
"Like what?" I'll ask, trying to avoid the fact that he was right; I am going to say no.
"Like bubble gum - or a lollipop?"
Like that's going to fill him up? What he's needing is nutrition - something to satisfy his body hunger. What he's going for is something that in his thinking is the perfect choice. AHHHHH! That is so me! I'm an adult and I can soooo clearly see my own thinking as he postures his plea so innocently! ...I want:_________ ...but since that's beyond my control and not readily going to appear any time soon - I'm thinking this: _______ - will be good."
And then what happens? I go for it! I go for what I think is good and will satisfy, and then all of a sudden I grow a third breast. I didn't see it coming, but it's there. I add onto myself something that seemingly is good - but is really not of God's design for me at all. I can justify it though - boy I can justify myself very well before a crystal clear mirror! But it's a breast! A breast is a good thing! A very good thing for crying out loud!!! Really? The enemy is so, so deceptive! He can actually help manipulate my thinking by showing me - as daily the Spirit of God increases my discomfort - and by Him His Spirit is disquieted in me as I try to balance my third breast. My enemy has actually - brilliantly - absolutely brilliant on his wicked part! He has strategically molded and placed other third breasted people in this world! Yes! I kid you not! So then we see each other and we think - "Hey, they're just like me! It must be okay! I'm not alone - and their third breast is actually bigger and more obvious than mine! ...so, I should be able to enjoy and handle it just as well without it ever becoming too much to live with. OH MY HEART!!!! Is anyone else with me in this?
God is El Shaddai. Have you heard this name for our God? It means: "pourer-forth or shedder -forth - of blessings. Shaddai describes power, not violent power but of all-bountiness. Shaddai primarily means breasted - from the Hebrew word Shad - that is "the breast" - that which nourishes - pours forth - blessings, temporal and spiritual. El Shaddai means multi breasted one. Think about that. It is God who is The Source of all blessing - all nourishment - every need met in One God. (Lord, I Want to Know You by Kay Arthur - please check it out!) God called Himself "El Shaddai" - God Almighty in Genesis 17:1-8 when He tells 99 year-old childless Abram that he is going to YET have descendants with whom God ALMIGHTY is going to establish an everlasting covenant. Abram had all he needed IN GOD for this dream - this desire of being a father - of having descendants - to be met in God - and God alone, which is exactly how God wanted it. Abraham had a craving - and he did not trust what God said about how it would be met. (Genesis 15-22 ) So what did Abraham do? He got a third breast. His name was Ishmael. Ishmael would cause increasing discomfort as Abraham sought to balance his will with God's. That never works! Eventually, Abraham was told by God - who knew what was best for Abraham all along - to send Ishmael and his mother away. Abraham obeyed. Sorrowfully? You bet! A mastectomy is never pleasant, but it does heal.
Creator - life giving God - is our source of every need, every want. What I desire - so needs to be examined, and pressed up against, and pressed into my God. What does that look like - pressing my desires into our God? For me ...well...you really wanna know? Cuz you don't have to do it this way - but for me - this is clarity...HUGE! I write out what I am asking God for! Yes! I do! I keep a journal of my conversations - requests to God - and I examine what I am talking to Him about in light of Scripture. And in Scripture is where HE lovingly, mercifully, and gently examines me - what I am asking - examines my heart - all rolled up in the safety and security of His embrace. I learn this way - about me, about what I want - yes - in a way. - But primarily - most importantly so - I learn about OUR El Shaddai. He knows the purpose for what we were made. He knows what we need to achieve that soul satisfying purpose. He is that purpose. Without Him, we do not have life. Oh sure we'll exist - but don't you want to do more than exist? I want to live. I want to live the way I was made to live. Are you with me?
"Take delight IN the Lord, and HE will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4 Praise the Lord, oh my soul; all my inmost being praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all of his benefits - who forgives all your sins, and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion; who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. Psalm 103:1-5 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your ind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2 Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation...My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. Psalm 62:1,5. When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory." Colossians 3:4
Sunday, November 7, 2010
This house.
We bought our home in 1999. I remember the day we found it. The realtor saved this house for last. I'm sure she knew it would be the one that would grip us to buy. The master bathroom was the romancer that had me at "hello". His and her sinks - smiling sweetly at a loving distance across from one another, and a welcoming jacuzzi tub;... for me ... as a new home buyer - this was a dream.
How could we afford this house? We had agreed before we began our shopping journey that this purchase would be made based on one income - my husband's. How tempting it was to include mine - house after disappointing house. If we would include my income - oh the houses that we could have! That thought pervaded, but our commitment to what we had prayed and what we were sure was direction from God - remained.
Amazing to me now - AMAZING! No audible voice - no printed sign - or pushy well intending parent - this home ownership deal was ours - ours by our God who would lead us. One income thinking was for one purpose only - that I would remain home if I would so choose when we began a family. Can I even just tell you - at this juncture in our growth in Christ - I was not going to Scripture daily, nor was my husband. Can I even just tell you - I could not have brought to mind one verse that told me to seek God's will above my own - to be a worker at home - to consider the needs of my household - above my own...not one verse - only a strong impressed sense in both of our hearts - that to purchase our home on one income was the wise thing to do - despite what we wanted and could own with two.
And can I even just tell you - I AM A MATERIALISTIC PERSON! I am! I constantly have to surrender my wants and desires to my God! And at this juncture - that I would submit to a one income kind of home - BLOWS MY ARROGANT MIND! I would have wanted to impress! I would have wanted to toot my - "I made it through the rain" - horn! Because at this point in my life - I had been divorced - I had shared a dank apartment with a mouse - and I had lost the respect of many people in my life because of my poor decisions. So to be able to shine through my new teacher income and my husband's income in the image of a "HOUSE upon a hill" kinda home - that would have been the longing of my heart. "Look EVERYBODY - I made it!!!" Do you know what I mean? Sad, and ridiculously true.
But - BUT - BUT!!! the grace of God! the help of God continued to cover me - and cover the sweet man who married the risky choice of this gal. Grace covered us both, and God impressed gently, and yet so powerfully, on our hearts to buy our home with one paycheck comin' in the door. I love our God! He made it happen. God alone.
So, this morning I sat in our family room - and because of festivities happening in our house today with friends and our children - and the joy all that brings - I thanked God for our house - for this life I get to live within its walls. And then - as only God can do - he brought to my mind the image of another house - of another life - I once loved, and wanted, and prayed for.
Once upon a time, I loved a house in Akron. It was a beautiful little ranch. Built before my eyes - and not without the help of my own hands in tiny tasks - like picking up stones, scraps from the yard, and garbage that building can bring. I wanted this house, but it was not mine. It was built and belonged to my boyfriend. It was his dream - and he made it happen. Swept up in awe of him, I clung to his strength - to his dream - and the hope that he would wrap me up and carry me into this picture of security.
He did. He asked me be his wife despite the caveat shouting to both of our hearts. He was wrong for me in so many ways - and I for him in equal - or maybe even greater - measure. We did not live for God independently - nor did we live for God in our relationship. A marriage built on sand will fall as surely as the rains will come. And fall it did. The fairytale crumbled around me - and the house I lived in with him could not hold it together.
I am not one to give much weight to dreams, but at times they do reveal our inner struggles - don't they? One night, after crying myself to sleep knowing the divorce date was upon us, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was standing in the kitchen of my Akron house. It was burning - all of it - engulfed in flames - all around me. I stood there - trapped - locked in by the flames and consumed with grief. This house was being destroyed. And then - through the fiery red door - came a man whose face I could not see - but a tall, strong image of a man. He wrapped me up in his arms - and we began to dance. He twirled me - made me smile - and covered me with a sense of safety and joy - almost instantly. I did not see the house - the flames - only him. Through every room on out of the house we danced. Onto the plush, green lawn he twirled me loose - out of his arms - so that I spun around to see the house as it stood complete - but in flames - with me on the outside looking in. I was free.
I woke up. I woke up hugely impacted by the dream. I played it over and over and over in my mind. I would never forget it, but I tucked it away over the years - until several Sunday mornings ago...God unpacked it for me again - so that I could see it play more vividly now then ever before.
Jenna Cowart was leading worship this one morning. Before she began to sing, she asked us to close our eyes, and ask God to speak to us. She asked us to focus on Him, and just allow God to wash over our hearts - our minds - before we worship. I did as she asked - prayerful - still - seeking God. Then the song and the balladeer began. "Our God is an all-consuming fire - a burning holy flame - with glory and freedom. Our God is the only righteous judge ruling over us, with kindness and wisdom. We will keep our eyes on you. Yes we will keep our eyes on you. A mighty fortress is our God. A sacred refuge is your name. Your Kingdom is unshakable. With you forever we will reign. Our God is jealous for His own. None can comprehend his love and his mercy."
And I knew. I knew then, in that moment, what I was reminded of this morning when I began to thank God for this house. The mighty fortress is our God. To cling to anyone or anything else - to give thanks for what I have and where I am - is our God.
"Those who cling to worthless idols sacrifice God's love for them. But I - with shouts of grateful praise - I will sacrifice to you." Jonah 2:8-9
How could we afford this house? We had agreed before we began our shopping journey that this purchase would be made based on one income - my husband's. How tempting it was to include mine - house after disappointing house. If we would include my income - oh the houses that we could have! That thought pervaded, but our commitment to what we had prayed and what we were sure was direction from God - remained.
Amazing to me now - AMAZING! No audible voice - no printed sign - or pushy well intending parent - this home ownership deal was ours - ours by our God who would lead us. One income thinking was for one purpose only - that I would remain home if I would so choose when we began a family. Can I even just tell you - at this juncture in our growth in Christ - I was not going to Scripture daily, nor was my husband. Can I even just tell you - I could not have brought to mind one verse that told me to seek God's will above my own - to be a worker at home - to consider the needs of my household - above my own...not one verse - only a strong impressed sense in both of our hearts - that to purchase our home on one income was the wise thing to do - despite what we wanted and could own with two.
And can I even just tell you - I AM A MATERIALISTIC PERSON! I am! I constantly have to surrender my wants and desires to my God! And at this juncture - that I would submit to a one income kind of home - BLOWS MY ARROGANT MIND! I would have wanted to impress! I would have wanted to toot my - "I made it through the rain" - horn! Because at this point in my life - I had been divorced - I had shared a dank apartment with a mouse - and I had lost the respect of many people in my life because of my poor decisions. So to be able to shine through my new teacher income and my husband's income in the image of a "HOUSE upon a hill" kinda home - that would have been the longing of my heart. "Look EVERYBODY - I made it!!!" Do you know what I mean? Sad, and ridiculously true.
But - BUT - BUT!!! the grace of God! the help of God continued to cover me - and cover the sweet man who married the risky choice of this gal. Grace covered us both, and God impressed gently, and yet so powerfully, on our hearts to buy our home with one paycheck comin' in the door. I love our God! He made it happen. God alone.
So, this morning I sat in our family room - and because of festivities happening in our house today with friends and our children - and the joy all that brings - I thanked God for our house - for this life I get to live within its walls. And then - as only God can do - he brought to my mind the image of another house - of another life - I once loved, and wanted, and prayed for.
Once upon a time, I loved a house in Akron. It was a beautiful little ranch. Built before my eyes - and not without the help of my own hands in tiny tasks - like picking up stones, scraps from the yard, and garbage that building can bring. I wanted this house, but it was not mine. It was built and belonged to my boyfriend. It was his dream - and he made it happen. Swept up in awe of him, I clung to his strength - to his dream - and the hope that he would wrap me up and carry me into this picture of security.
He did. He asked me be his wife despite the caveat shouting to both of our hearts. He was wrong for me in so many ways - and I for him in equal - or maybe even greater - measure. We did not live for God independently - nor did we live for God in our relationship. A marriage built on sand will fall as surely as the rains will come. And fall it did. The fairytale crumbled around me - and the house I lived in with him could not hold it together.
I am not one to give much weight to dreams, but at times they do reveal our inner struggles - don't they? One night, after crying myself to sleep knowing the divorce date was upon us, I had a dream. I dreamed that I was standing in the kitchen of my Akron house. It was burning - all of it - engulfed in flames - all around me. I stood there - trapped - locked in by the flames and consumed with grief. This house was being destroyed. And then - through the fiery red door - came a man whose face I could not see - but a tall, strong image of a man. He wrapped me up in his arms - and we began to dance. He twirled me - made me smile - and covered me with a sense of safety and joy - almost instantly. I did not see the house - the flames - only him. Through every room on out of the house we danced. Onto the plush, green lawn he twirled me loose - out of his arms - so that I spun around to see the house as it stood complete - but in flames - with me on the outside looking in. I was free.
I woke up. I woke up hugely impacted by the dream. I played it over and over and over in my mind. I would never forget it, but I tucked it away over the years - until several Sunday mornings ago...God unpacked it for me again - so that I could see it play more vividly now then ever before.
Jenna Cowart was leading worship this one morning. Before she began to sing, she asked us to close our eyes, and ask God to speak to us. She asked us to focus on Him, and just allow God to wash over our hearts - our minds - before we worship. I did as she asked - prayerful - still - seeking God. Then the song and the balladeer began. "Our God is an all-consuming fire - a burning holy flame - with glory and freedom. Our God is the only righteous judge ruling over us, with kindness and wisdom. We will keep our eyes on you. Yes we will keep our eyes on you. A mighty fortress is our God. A sacred refuge is your name. Your Kingdom is unshakable. With you forever we will reign. Our God is jealous for His own. None can comprehend his love and his mercy."
And I knew. I knew then, in that moment, what I was reminded of this morning when I began to thank God for this house. The mighty fortress is our God. To cling to anyone or anything else - to give thanks for what I have and where I am - is our God.
"Those who cling to worthless idols sacrifice God's love for them. But I - with shouts of grateful praise - I will sacrifice to you." Jonah 2:8-9
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
My Grandparents' Farm
Softly woke the world today
in autumn's subtle hue.
And morning breathed so sweet and cool,
she crystallized the dew.
A lazy pond that's vacant now
exhales a misty sigh,
For way off in the distance he can hear
the wild geese cry.
I wrote this poem when I was 17. My grandparents have been in heaven for a few years now, but I think of them often - especially this time of year when I anticipate my favorite holiday with all the smells of Grace from God cooking in the oven - and His love surrounded at our table - brimming over from our hearts. Although they are not with us - I sense them in my mother's mannerisms - her sentimentality -love of words and music - her apron - her Bitner nose - her laugh. She is their legacy, and she is good at it.
My uncle - my mother's brother is dying. I went and sat by his bedside the other day. I must tell you, this was not an easy choice. I am not one compelled to attend to the sick and dying. My heart is fragile and I cry so easily. I have never been close to my uncle. He was big and strong, and an offense to him was felt by all. So even though I remember times he pulled me up on his lap, funny things he said that made me laugh, or even though I remember still - the moment - the chair where he sat - and how I was simply walking past and said, "hello" -... I remember that he told me in that moment - long ago - that I was like a breath of fresh air; such comforting thoughts to carry with me when I was in his presence, but still he scared me most of the time. I, in spite of my fear, felt an urgency to go to see him. I argued with myself that I would not be wanted, and that I would be in the way. But the urgency would not let me rest. I prayed that if God wanted me to have time with Him - then He would have to give me entrance into that ICU, and I would trust he would and move, because I am His daughter.
As I approached the ICU, I could see it maybe 30 feet ahead of me - a nurse was pushing a bed through it's wide open doors. I heard in my heart, "run". And so I did. And when I entered, and turned to go to my uncle's room - there was my aunt, her grandson, and my cousin. She welcomed me - hugged me and told me how to gown up with mask and gloves and know he may sleep - but that I could go and sit with him. My cousin walked me to his glass walled room and even helped me put everything on so that he would be protected from outside germs that I might bring in. And then they were all gone.
It was just he and I - and yet - I knew we were not alone. The presence of God - a holy hush - settled in on my heart, and I was moved to tears as I prayed for this man that I saw - once again - through the eyes of a child that ran and played on his farm - the 18 year-old girl that lived under his roof my senior year of high school, and ate Captain Crunch at his breakfast table while he sipped coffee and a breakfast shake. This is my uncle; he is my grandparents - my mother - my own blood.
Words seemed silly in such a delicaate moment. But I spoke them anyway -fumbling to gather them - while I suppressed my fear of his reaction. He is a powerful man in my memory - and that image holds my respect no matter how frail - how sick he may be. I spoke gently this poem I've shared with you here - and thanked him for ducks, and cows and sheep filled memories of his farm where my brother's and I could play with rabbits, and chase chickens, and feed pigs slop. I thanked him for letting me live in his house - and told him I was sorry I did not thank him more. He smiled. And then the tears would not stop. He turned to me and squeezed my hand. "Don't cry."
I opened my journal and began to read to him. I didn't dare look at his eyes, for fear he would disapprove of the words I spoke with much conviction - and love. John 8:12...John 9:5. John 10:14. John 11:23-25. John 14:6. John 15:1. John 14:22 all the way to "Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." And then I knelt beside him and prayed for light. He said as I knelt there, "Tell Bonnie to get Jack." I told him she was coming. He repeated it again, "Tell Bonnie to get Jack." "They'll be here," I assured him. Hold I thought. Please hold. I watched his vital signs of green lines and numbers. Life is still in you. There is time to live full life even now, my uncle. Right now we can know full life. I could not stop crying. He looked at me again. I smiled at him. "I want to take this from you," was all I could say. He closed his eyes.
He turned to me and said, "Sit down." I thanked him for inviting me to stay and pulled the chair beside him.I gave him some of the liquid he could have by a spoon. He took two swallows, and closed his eyes again. I lowered my head and continued to pray. He drifted to sleep, and would open his eyes from time to time to see if I was still there. I would say, "I do not want to leave you." And I would say, "I'm just sitting here praying for you. You sleep." And I said, "You're not alone." He responded that time, "I know." He said a little later, "I have to get up. I have to get out of the way." I said, "You have to rest." He smiled.
And as time always does, time urged me to leave. The bus would be coming and my children would be waiting. Life would go on outside that room where he was captive, and I did not want to leave him there. Full life, I thought. You can know full life right here. Right now. I told him I was going to go, but I wanted to see him again - thinking of heaven, but hoping for 8:00 p.m. that night. "I love you," he said. My uncle has never told me he loved me. It is written on my heart forever. "I love you, too, " I said. I have never told my uncle I loved him either.
I left in tears, but comforted by the understanding of grace, of love, of the Spirit that compels me. This was a good day to sit in silence with a man who is dying. This was a good day to grow up beside my uncle. We were not alone.
in autumn's subtle hue.
And morning breathed so sweet and cool,
she crystallized the dew.
A lazy pond that's vacant now
exhales a misty sigh,
For way off in the distance he can hear
the wild geese cry.
I wrote this poem when I was 17. My grandparents have been in heaven for a few years now, but I think of them often - especially this time of year when I anticipate my favorite holiday with all the smells of Grace from God cooking in the oven - and His love surrounded at our table - brimming over from our hearts. Although they are not with us - I sense them in my mother's mannerisms - her sentimentality -love of words and music - her apron - her Bitner nose - her laugh. She is their legacy, and she is good at it.
My uncle - my mother's brother is dying. I went and sat by his bedside the other day. I must tell you, this was not an easy choice. I am not one compelled to attend to the sick and dying. My heart is fragile and I cry so easily. I have never been close to my uncle. He was big and strong, and an offense to him was felt by all. So even though I remember times he pulled me up on his lap, funny things he said that made me laugh, or even though I remember still - the moment - the chair where he sat - and how I was simply walking past and said, "hello" -... I remember that he told me in that moment - long ago - that I was like a breath of fresh air; such comforting thoughts to carry with me when I was in his presence, but still he scared me most of the time. I, in spite of my fear, felt an urgency to go to see him. I argued with myself that I would not be wanted, and that I would be in the way. But the urgency would not let me rest. I prayed that if God wanted me to have time with Him - then He would have to give me entrance into that ICU, and I would trust he would and move, because I am His daughter.
As I approached the ICU, I could see it maybe 30 feet ahead of me - a nurse was pushing a bed through it's wide open doors. I heard in my heart, "run". And so I did. And when I entered, and turned to go to my uncle's room - there was my aunt, her grandson, and my cousin. She welcomed me - hugged me and told me how to gown up with mask and gloves and know he may sleep - but that I could go and sit with him. My cousin walked me to his glass walled room and even helped me put everything on so that he would be protected from outside germs that I might bring in. And then they were all gone.
It was just he and I - and yet - I knew we were not alone. The presence of God - a holy hush - settled in on my heart, and I was moved to tears as I prayed for this man that I saw - once again - through the eyes of a child that ran and played on his farm - the 18 year-old girl that lived under his roof my senior year of high school, and ate Captain Crunch at his breakfast table while he sipped coffee and a breakfast shake. This is my uncle; he is my grandparents - my mother - my own blood.
Words seemed silly in such a delicaate moment. But I spoke them anyway -fumbling to gather them - while I suppressed my fear of his reaction. He is a powerful man in my memory - and that image holds my respect no matter how frail - how sick he may be. I spoke gently this poem I've shared with you here - and thanked him for ducks, and cows and sheep filled memories of his farm where my brother's and I could play with rabbits, and chase chickens, and feed pigs slop. I thanked him for letting me live in his house - and told him I was sorry I did not thank him more. He smiled. And then the tears would not stop. He turned to me and squeezed my hand. "Don't cry."
I opened my journal and began to read to him. I didn't dare look at his eyes, for fear he would disapprove of the words I spoke with much conviction - and love. John 8:12...John 9:5. John 10:14. John 11:23-25. John 14:6. John 15:1. John 14:22 all the way to "Do not let your heart be troubled and do not be afraid." And then I knelt beside him and prayed for light. He said as I knelt there, "Tell Bonnie to get Jack." I told him she was coming. He repeated it again, "Tell Bonnie to get Jack." "They'll be here," I assured him. Hold I thought. Please hold. I watched his vital signs of green lines and numbers. Life is still in you. There is time to live full life even now, my uncle. Right now we can know full life. I could not stop crying. He looked at me again. I smiled at him. "I want to take this from you," was all I could say. He closed his eyes.
He turned to me and said, "Sit down." I thanked him for inviting me to stay and pulled the chair beside him.I gave him some of the liquid he could have by a spoon. He took two swallows, and closed his eyes again. I lowered my head and continued to pray. He drifted to sleep, and would open his eyes from time to time to see if I was still there. I would say, "I do not want to leave you." And I would say, "I'm just sitting here praying for you. You sleep." And I said, "You're not alone." He responded that time, "I know." He said a little later, "I have to get up. I have to get out of the way." I said, "You have to rest." He smiled.
And as time always does, time urged me to leave. The bus would be coming and my children would be waiting. Life would go on outside that room where he was captive, and I did not want to leave him there. Full life, I thought. You can know full life right here. Right now. I told him I was going to go, but I wanted to see him again - thinking of heaven, but hoping for 8:00 p.m. that night. "I love you," he said. My uncle has never told me he loved me. It is written on my heart forever. "I love you, too, " I said. I have never told my uncle I loved him either.
I left in tears, but comforted by the understanding of grace, of love, of the Spirit that compels me. This was a good day to sit in silence with a man who is dying. This was a good day to grow up beside my uncle. We were not alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
