say what???

I have said some purdy dumb things in my life, but the other day - I have to admit I said one that took the prize. I was talking to a friend about this blogging thing I do. And I realize, it's not a big deal - it's a lil' ol' blog where I ramble about what I'm learning in this life about our God - about believing Him - living HIM...and not a whole lot of people rilly wanna take the time to hear what I have to say - well, except for you, my friends - and well, Mama. Do you hear my self pity? Good - cuz that's where I'm going.

A friend of mine was commenting that she had read one entry (I love you, Robin Albion! and I'm sorry I'm an idiot! Thank you for loving me!) -As I was saying, she read an entry I had written - unbeknownst to me, until now - or rather then, as we were talkin'. "Cool," I thought... - but then - I felt little in that moment for some prideful reason. My blog is little. I have done nothing big, and that pathetic view was my focus, even though she was being very sweet about having read something that I had written that encouraged her. I hate my pride, but I love that God doesn't leave me there. I responded from that ugly place of feeling small on PLANET ME with this idiotic, oh-so-popular rant, "I do it for me." AND IMMEDIATELY, as soon as those words left my lips... it was like God shouted in my heart - "What did you JUST say?"

Of course I didn't answer Him then, but I think my cheeks flushed, cuz I knew He was listening and He was weighing in. I just went on chatting with my friend and tried not to pay attention to the constant echo that reverberated from my heart to my brain and back to my heart to my brain, heart-brain, heart-brain, ALL NIGHT. What did I say? What was wrong with that?

So as the echo continued from that day - FRIDAY - until now. I sat down with Jesus and asked Him to teach me about what I said and what He hears in my statement.

I hunkered down with my defense first - knowing I am wrong and about to be corrected. My complaint to Him: Lord, I am a small person. My influence small. My life small. My territory small. My audience small. My abilities small. I am so stinkin' small.

He waited. He knows when I have more to regurgitate.

My dreams were big. My hopes big. My focus wide. The people around me huge. The world spectacular. The planet gargantuan. The platform incredulous. And you, too, God. You, too. Everything around me, including everyone else I see - greater than I. SO I get a little embarrassed. That's all.

He was still silent.

Crickets.

SAY SOMETHING, GOD! SAY SOMETHING CUZ I'M DYING HERE. Correct this fool who is riddled with pride and stupidity. A lil' encouragement maybe? Is there a beat down coming? Land me somewhere.

Exhale. Nothing.

If I don't say, " I do this for me"...how can I protect my heart? If it's for me - and I fail - it doesn't really matter. Right? If it's for me, and no one's listening it doesn't really matter. If it's for me and no one ever shows up, I won't be hurt. Cuz it's just me. Is this so bad?

A Word. A powerful word comes to mind.

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him". Colossians 3:17

What does that mean? I do live for you. Take me deeper. Help me get it.

Go to the chapter. That's the sense that I get. Great. I don't have time. Lord? IS this you? Cuz if this is me takin' myself on some goose chase through the word...Ugh. I'm loud, you know? So is this you?

Silence. I go to the chapter.

Colossians 3. It hits me hard just at the first seven words.
"Since, then, you have been raise with Christ." Tears. I died.I did, didn't I? Yes. I did. About 13 years ago. Me. AND now - I have resurrected myself, Lord, haven't I? I plumb climbed up out of the skin casket of my old ways, and I have clawed myself out of the dirt that covered up my gnarly ol' self - and just totally announced I'm BACK! with that attitude of - "I do this for me." Wow. How ugly is that thought, huh? I laugh. You are funny, Lord! Tears subsiding...

He goes on..."For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ - who is your life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory."

Wow. I'm smaller than I even realized. I'm so small I can't even be seen. I hide behind you, Lord. I am hidden in you. And I resurrected myself in my thinking, "I do this for me."

We read on...and hash it out again at verse 15. "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace."

Strong image to stomp on ME PLANET with, Lord. Peace of Christ. One body with many members, and I get to be in there somewhere - hidden with great peace.

Exhale. Only your Spirit in me would find this most pleasant, Lord. Apart from you - this would not make sense.

We read on. "And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach, and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs form the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts."

It's good to do life with one another. It's good, so good. The people I see and envy - are a glimpse of your glory. Your Body. Because of others who love you, live for you, serve you - as You Have Called Them to Their Place in the BODY - I can realize who is the one to focus on. People will seem huge to me and I will seem small - when I do not see the One Who is Our Life. And, Lord - they're people who need to be admonished like me - and encouraged like me...Right? Like who does not need to be corrected? Who is soooo good according to themselves, that they don't need to be encouraged??? Which one of us does not need the other? Somebody hug me quick! I have a Psalm I wanna sing to you to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"! Good thing my kids are at school! I'm fired up!!!

Last verse. "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to the Father through Him."

It could be no other way, Lord. You are in me. You will not let me live in my pride and stupidity. When I get to say or do anything in this Body of Believers that is YOU COVERING ME - because I am not an island - not even now as I type alone at home. They are with me. They influence me. Hold me accountable. Encourage. They are my family, and I will play my part to love them - and honor you - with the way I love them. No envy... it is all for you.

My pride. My stinkin' ugly ME planet pride (Thankful to my friend, Edie Gillis, for the "Me Planet" phrase the other day at Mom2Mom. God has used it!!!...shew yeah!). I protect myself with this "I do it for me" mentality out of pride. No matter what I do - it is for God. All of it. It's all His to use or not, and when I look at Him - I won't see me - anymore. anyway. big or small. I'm outta here!

C'mon. You're with me...right? (I promise - I won't sing that Psalm to "twinkle twinkle" - well, at least not too loudly.)

Peace!